The Little Book of Stoicism: Timeless Wisdom to Gain Resilience, Confidence, and Calmness

by Jonas Salzgeber

The only appropriate response is compassion and forgiveness. Marcus makes a neat comparison: He says wishing for the unknowing man not to do wrong is like wishing for a fig tree not to produce figs, babies not to cry, and horses not to neigh. These are inevitable things. They just happen by nature. Don’t wish for people not to do wrong, rather wish for the strength to be tolerant and forgiving.

Kindness Is Strength “Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” – Seneca

The next time you get treated meanly, don’t fight back but accept it. Don’t resist what happens. Accept it as it is and respond with tolerance and kindness, it’s the best you can do. “Most rudeness, meanness, and cruelty are a mask for deep-seated weakness,” says Ryan Holiday. “Kindness in these situations is only possible for people of great strength.”

How to Deal with Insults “How much better to heal than seek revenge from injury. Vengeance wastes a lot of time and exposes you to many more injuries than the first that sparked it. Anger always outlasts hurt. Best to take the opposite course. Would anyone think it normal to return a kick to a mule or a bite to a dog?” – Seneca

Let’s remember that rational and wise people don’t insult others, at least not on purpose. So if a person insults us, we can be certain this person has a flawed and immature character. Irvine compares being insulted by another person is like taking the barking of a dog personally. We’d be fools to become upset by that dog and think for the rest of the day, “Oh dear! That dog doesn’t like me!” Marcus Aurelius saw insulting people as a lesson: who not to be. “The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” The best revenge is to let it go and be a better example. And how should we respond when confronted? The Stoics say with humor rather than a counter insult. Make a joke, laugh it off.

So let’s not show any resistance to the insult. Don’t go into reaction mode with an attack, defense, or withdrawal, but let it pass right through you. As if you were not there. Offer no resistance.

There’s nobody to get hurt. In this way, you become invulnerable. The insult goes right through you. That person has no power to control how you feel.

We can only be insulted if we let it happen. If we don’t care what others say, then we won’t feel insulted. After all, other people’s actions are not under our control, so they’re ultimately indifferent.

See each day and every situation as a training exercise. You will accept things quicker even if they’re annoying—it’s just training. Scratches happen. Don’t blame your sparring partner. Don’t blame the event. We’re all just training. Things go wrong.

You’re a warrior. Nothing and nobody can throw you off balance easily. You’re ready to deal with some punches and side-kicks. Such is life. Even better, knowing that these kicks make you stronger, you rub your hands together and look forward to them. They cannot come unexpected and hard enough. You want to be strong. You want to handle yourself in the face of adversity. You want to be unshakable in the midst of a storm. You want to remain cool when others panic. So you simply can’t afford to turn your head to every scratch. It’s just training. Smile and move on.

For Such a Small Price, Buy Tranquility “Starting with things of little value—a bit of spilled oil, a little stolen wine—repeat to yourself: ‘For such a small price I buy tranquility and peace of mind.’” – Epictetus

It obviously doesn’t need to be this way. Before you react to whatever arouses anger within, say to yourself: “I buy tranquility instead.” Then smile, do what needs to get done, and move on with your life.

The main challenge is this: We need to be aware of the arising feelings in the first place. So we need to be able to step in between stimulus and automatic response. And once we’re in that gap, we need to have the self-discipline to actually buy tranquility and not react at all.

Ultimately, this all comes down to the Stoic principle that it’s not events that upset us, but our judgment about those events. If we recognize our power, and bring enough awareness and discipline into challenging situations, then we’re on our way to become an emotionally resilient and steadfast person. If that’s the path you want to go, ask yourself: “In which situations could I buy tranquility more often?”

Put Yourself in Other People’s Shoes “When you face someone’s insults, hatred, whatever . . . look at his soul. Get inside him. Look at what sort of person he is. You’ll find you don’t need to strain to impress him.” – Marcus Aurelius

The Stoics advise us to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, to take their perspective before passing a judgment.

Choose Your Company Well “Avoid fraternizing with non-philosophers. If you must, though, be careful not to sink to their level; because, you know, if a companion is dirty, his friends cannot help but get a little dirty too, no matter how clean they started out.” – Epictetus

In conclusion, the idea to choose your company well is not only about the people you spend the lion’s share of your time with, but also about not wasting your precious time. Temptation and timewasters are lurking around the corner, so we need to pay attention to what we’re doing and who we’re doing it with. Generally, if you want to be the best you can be, surround yourself with the best people. If you want to avoid getting angry and annoyed, don’t spend time with people who are likely to make you angry and annoyed.

Don’t Judge But Yourself “Someone bathes in haste; don’t say he bathes badly, but in haste. Someone drinks a lot of wine; don’t say he drinks badly, but a lot. Until you know their reasons, how do you know that their actions are vicious? This will save you from perceiving one thing clearly, but then assenting to something different.” – Epictetus

“Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others.” Seneca reminds us here of what philosophy is for: we want to scrape off our own faults. The focus is inward. To make yourself better and to leave other people to that task for themselves. Everybody must go their own way.

Do Good, Not Only No Evil “Often injustice lies in what you aren’t doing, not only in what you are doing.” – Marcus Aurelius

Say Only What’s Not Better Left Unsaid “Let silence be your goal for the most part; say only what is necessary, and be brief about it. On the rare occasions when you’re called upon to speak, then speak, but never about banalities like gladiators, horses, sports, food and drink—common-place stuff. Above all don’t gossip about people, praising, blaming or comparing them.” – Epictetus

This idea is very simple to put into practice. Go into a conversation with the intention to listen for the most part. Observe what they talk about. Observe within yourself the urge to say something (probably it’ll be self-related), and then only say it when it’s not better left unsaid. Connect with people. Don’t perform for them. Let them do most of the talking. Enjoy listening.

Listen with the Intent to Understand “Acquire the habit of attending carefully to what is being said by another, and of entering, so far as possible, into the mind of the speaker.” – Marcus Aurelius

The goal when you enter a conversation is to understand what the other person wants to tell you. You listen with the intent to understand. That’s called empathic listening. And it’ll massively improve your relationships.

Lead by Example "Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one." – Marcus Aurelius

So that when someone treats you rudely, you can show what you’ve learned and respond with kindness and forgiveness. For if you respond with rudeness, it only proves you haven’t learned anything yet. You’re the same as the other.