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It’s your reaction that shows whether you’ve been harmed or not. As Marcus Aurelius puts it: “Choose not to be harmed—and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed—and you haven’t been.” It’s obviously not easy, but it’s good to know none the less. Just try this: Don’t whine, moan, or complain.
One thing we can do is to think about how much worse off we’d be if we had never been able to enjoy the company of the person who passed away. Rather than mourning the end of her life, we could be grateful for the moments we experienced together. This may make us sad, but also grateful.
Epictetus says we should be careful not to “catch” the grief of others. We should sympathize with the person and if appropriate even accompany her moaning with our own. In doing so, be careful not to moan inwardly.
Choose Courage and Calm over Anger “Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” – Marcus Aurelius
Anger is a passion, a negative emotion the Stoics want to minimize. Seneca’s essay On Anger is the best source of Stoic advice on anger. Anger, the desire to repay suffering, is brief madness, says Seneca. Because an angry man lacks self-control, is forgetful of kinship, is deaf to reason and advice, gets aroused by trifles, and doesn’t know what’s true and false—“very like a falling rock which breaks itself to pieces upon the very thing which it crushes.”
Anger is not useful, “No man becomes braver through anger, except one who without anger would not have been brave at all: anger does not therefore come to assist courage, but to take its place.” We can find sufficient inducement without anger—with the right values in place such as love, compassion, justice, and courage. Instead of being led by dangerous and unpredictable anger, we’re motivated by intrinsic values, and deliberately choose to do the right thing.
“When a man is wandering about our fields because he has lost his way, it is better to place him on the right path than to drive him away.” Seneca
When you’re angry, says Seneca, take steps to turn anger’s indications into their opposites: Force yourself to relax your face, take a deep breath, soften your voice, and slow your pace of walking—your internal state will soon resemble your external, relaxed state.
Beat Fear with Preparation and Reason “We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.” – Seneca
The Stoics know about the danger of fear. The actual damage of what we fear pales in comparison to the damage done by ourselves as we’re blindly trying to prevent what we fear.
We fear because we want what’s outside our power, or we’re too attached to something that’s not in our power to keep. We’re attached to people we love and fear losing them. We’re attached to the security of a regular salary. And we desire what’s not in our power to receive.
Anticipating calamities is not about ruining the present moment, but optimizing it. We’ll be less afraid of things which might never happen. The Stoics think the best path to freedom is by imagining what we fear as it’s going to happen and examining it in our mind—until we can view it with detachment.
The common way to deal with fear is to hide from it and trying to think of something else. But this is probably the worst technique of all. Fear grows by not being looked at.
The proper way to deal with what we fear is thinking about it rationally, calmly, and often—until it becomes familiar. You’ll get bored with what you once feared, and your worries will disappear. By confronting your fears, whether in imagina...
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Look, you can’t cure all your fears all at once. But if we manage to get less attached to things, realize that what we fear is in our imagination, and if we face our fears even in imagination only, then we can overcome most of our fears. Step by step.
“The cucumber is bitter? Then throw it out. There are brambles in the path? Then go around them. That’s all you need to know. Nothing more. Don’t demand to know ‘why such things exist.’ Anyone who understands the world will laugh at you, just as a carpenter would if you seemed shocked at finding sawdust in his workshop, or a shoemaker at scraps of leather left over from work.” – Marcus Aurelius
We get angry, sad, or disappointed because reality doesn’t meet our expectations. We get surprised because things are not as wished. When you find yourself frustrated, don’t blame other people or outside events, but yourself and your unrealistic expectations. Turn your focus inward, remember, we must take responsibility.
Pain and Provocation: Great Opportunities for Virtue “For every challenge, remember the resources you have within you to cope with it. Provoked by the sight of a handsome man or a beautiful woman, you will discover within you the contrary power of self-restraint. Faced with pain, you will discover the power of endurance. If you are insulted, you will discover patience. In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate.” – Epictetus
“Disease is an impediment to the body, but not to the will, unless the will itself chooses,” explains Epictetus. “Lameness is an impediment to the leg, but not to the will.”
Marcus agrees, “Who is there to prevent you from being good and sincere?” We have the inborn power to choose our actions and craft our character. “So display those virtues which are wholly in your own power—integrity, dignity, hard work, self-denial, contentment, frugality, kindness, independence, simplicity, discretion, magnanimity.”
The Equanimity Game “When force of circumstance upsets your equanimity, lose no time in recovering your self-control, and do not remain out of tune longer than you can help. Habitual recurrence to the harmony will increase your mastery of it.” – Marcus Aurelius
Earlier, we said that a fire uses obstacles as fuel. They only make the fire stronger. Now, let’s look at another fire metaphor: The wind fuels a fire and extinguishes a candle. The wind is the obstacle; it extinguishes you if your commitment and perseverance are weak, but it fuels you when you accept the challenge and don’t give up with the first difficulties. If
So whenever life hits you, notice what knocks you down, and then see how long it takes you to get back up. Observe yourself and find out what helps you find your balance. You can play that game all day, every day.
What helps me most are the Stoic ideas to focus on what you control, to accept reality as it is, and to take responsibility for my life as it’s always within my power to choose to respond with virtue.
The Anti-Puppet Mindset “If a person gave away your body to some passersby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that?” – Epictetus
Instead of getting jerked around by what happens in the uncontrollable world outside, we should be guided by deep values. No matter what happens, we stick to our values of tranquility, patience, kindness, acceptance, justice, grit, and self-discipline.
Our values and mindfulness of the present moment prevent us from being puppets.
Life Is Supposed to Be Challenging “Difficulties show a person’s character. So when a challenge confronts you, remember that God is matching you with a younger sparring partner, as would a physical trainer. Why? Becoming an Olympian takes sweat! I think no one has a better challenge than yours, if only you would use it like an athlete would that younger sparring partner.” – Epictetus
Don’t wish for life to be hard, but neither wish for it to be easier when it gets tough. Rather wish for the strength to deal with it. It’s an opportunity for growth. It’s the younger sparring partner who’s challenging you. He’s just testing you.
What’s so Troublesome Here and Now? “Do not let the panorama of your life oppress you, do not dwell on all the various troubles which may have occurred in the past or may occur in the future. Just ask yourself in each instance of the present: ‘What is there in this work which I cannot endure or support?’” – Marcus Aurelius
An important part of Stoicism is developing moment-to-moment awareness that allows you to take a step back, look at the situation objectively, analyze your impressions, and proceed with what’s constructive.
If we want to express our highest self in every moment, then we need to be aware of our actions in the present moment. This mindfulness is a prerequisite for the practicing Stoic.
Marcus Aurelius says that all you’ll ever need is: Certainty of judgment in the present moment: What does the situation look like objectively? Acceptance of external events in the present moment: Accept and be content with what’s out of control. Action for the common good in the present moment: What’s the best action I can take right now?
Count Your Blessings “Don’t set your mind on things you don’t possess as if they were yours, but count the blessings you actually possess and think how much you would desire them if they weren’t already yours. But watch yourself, that you don’t value these things to the point of being troubled if you should lose them.” – Marcus Aurelius
Marcus reminds us here of three things: Material things are not important, don’t gather and hoard that stuff. Be grateful for all you have. Be careful not to get attached to those things.
Other-ize “We can familiarize ourselves with the will of nature by calling to mind our common experiences. When a friend breaks a glass, we are quick to say, ‘Oh, bad luck.’ It’s only reasonable, then, that when a glass of your own breaks, you accept it in the same patient spirit . . . We would do better to remember how we react when a similar loss afflicts others.” – Epictetus
The Stoics advise to look at an object or a situation as objectively as possible. Stick to the facts and describe an event as value-free and as close to reality as possible. That’s classic Stoic thinking: An event itself is objective. Only we give it meaning by our judgments about it.
If we simply gain time and wait before we react, then we’ll be able to resist our impulses to react instinctively and immediately. These impulsive reactions are not helpful in most cases. This is all about avoiding rash emotional reactions. And then testing primarily whether there’s something we can do about it or not. Let’s not concern ourselves with what’s beyond our control—precisely because there’s nothing we can do about it.
Only our reaction is within our control. So let’s choose our smartest (non-)reaction, and move on. Let’s hear Epictetus’ strategy to deal with pleasurable impressions: “Whenever you get an impression of some pleasure, as with any impression, guard yourself from being carried away by it, let it await your action, give yourself a pause. After that, bring to mind both times, first when you have enjoyed the pleasure and later when you will regret it and hate yourself. Then compare to those the joy and satisfaction you’d feel for abstaining it altogether.” Take-away: Before you react, say: “Wait
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Do good because it’s the right thing to do. Don’t look for anything in return. Do it for yourself. So you can be the person you want to be. Don’t be the guy who shouts from the rooftops when done a just act. “Simply move on to the next deed just like the vine produces another bunch of grapes in the right season.” Marcus reminds us to do good for its own sake.
CHAPTER 8 SITUATIONAL PRACTICES: HOW TO HANDLE YOURSELF WHEN OTHER PEOPLE CHALLENGE YOU?
Let’s do good to others and treat them as brothers and sisters, with patience, kindness, forgiveness, and generosity. This is the only way to the good life. Remember Marcus’ words: “What brings no benefit to the hive brings none to the bee.”
Nobody Errs on Purpose “When a man assents, then, to what is false, know that he had no wish to assent to the false: 'for no soul is robbed of the truth with its own consent,' as Plato says, but the false seemed to him true.” – Epictetus People do what seems right to them. If they do wrong, it’s because that’s what seems true to them. Therefore, we should not blame people, even if they treat us rudely and unfairly. They don’t do those things on purpose. As Socrates said: “Nobody does wrong willingly.”
The point is, they don’t do wrong on purpose. They just don’t understand any better. We must be patient with these people. “Some people are sharp and others dull,” Musonius reminds us, and goes on: “Some are raised in a better environment, others in worse, the latter, having inferior habits and nurture, will require more by way of proof and careful instruction to master these teachings and to be formed by them—in the same way that bodies in a bad state must be given great deal of care when perfect health is ought.”
Whenever you come across a situation with people who seem to act wrongly, it’s an opportunity for growth. Because you can practice the virtues of self-control, forgiveness, kindness, and patience.
Find Your Own Faults “Whenever you take offense at someone’s wrongdoing, immediately turn to your own similar failings, such as seeing money as good, or pleasure, or a little fame—whatever form it takes. By thinking on this, you’ll quickly forget your anger, considering also what compels them—for what else could they do? Or, if you are able, remove their compulsion.” – Marcus Aurelius To err is human. We all make mistakes. But we forget. And get angry when others make the same mistakes we made not long ago.
Let’s not get carried away by our initial impression that the other is a jerk, but let’s bring to mind that we’ve been there before. We’ve been that exact jerk before. And we judged us mildly at most.
There’s actually a second part to the opening proverb: To err is human; to forgive, divine.
Forgive and Love Those Who Stumble “Whenever you meet someone, say to yourself from the outset, ‘What are his assumptions concerning what is fundamentally good and bad in life?’ When someone acts like your enemy, insults or opposes you, remember that he was only doing what seemed to him the right thing, he didn’t know any better, and tell yourself: ‘It seemed so to him.’” – Epictetus
It’s our special privilege says Marcus, “to love even those who stumble.” He reminds himself of four things: (1) that the stumbling people are relatives, (2) they do wrong involuntarily, (3) we will all be dead soon anyway, and (4) we can only be harmed if we choose so.
