The Lager Queen of Minnesota

by J. Ryan Stradal

He wanted what she wanted, and the moments when he helped enable their shared dreams is when she felt, finally, the kind of love everyone on the radio

The undefeated Vikings were on the road in Washington, D.C., that afternoon, and down by one point on the last play of regulation, then committed the signature Vikings move, losing the game on a blocked field goal. The chance for a perfect season scuttled, the fans drank more than usual that day,

It wasn’t that she wasn’t grateful—she was possibly the most grateful pregnant woman on earth just then—still, Diana believed that you could be both grateful and miserable, but no one seemed to agree with her.

She’d learned from Sarah Allison years ago that it was expensive to have a baby, and adulthood was expensive enough already.

It occurred to Diana just then that death doesn’t happen all at once. The public death is just the beginning, and the rest takes as long as it has to, in private bits and pieces, without any warning, schedule, or validation. A pen they once held, now out of ink. A bag of their favorite chips, past its expiration date. A crack in a personalized coffee mug. She wondered who else in her life had, put away somewhere, a dry pen, expired chips, a broken mug, an aging bottle of beer. She wondered who had the courage to let them go, without ceremony or reflection.

Wow, never underestimate the power of a baby as a promotional magnet. People saw a young family selling beer together and practically ran across the grass to hand their money over. Francie wasn’t the only baby or little kid there, but something about seeing her among all the grandmas gave their tent the feel of a family reunion picnic, in a good way.

Perhaps now, because she was in her midseventies, it had never been easier for her to get what she wanted. Most men in the kinds of establishments she visited hadn’t looked in her direction for many years now, which was perfect. Instead, she could watch those men, as they glanced at her, sat down, and ordered their beer, and the more they ignored her, the more powerful she became.

KT immediately handed me a six-pack of something called GRANDMA EDITH’S RHUBARB-PIE-IN-A-BOTTLE, and told me to go home, drink this crap, and shut up. She helpfully added that if I didn’t like it then something must be wrong with me, because every white hipster who she had the tolerance to remember had come in either to buy it or ask about it.

The men at or near her level across the industry were often exhausting. Very early she’d been spiritually and emotionally corroded by the roomfuls of them at various industry gatherings, men who talked over her, explained to her, asked her to fetch them lunch or coffee, planted and reaped her self-doubt. In the underpopulated women’s restrooms at brewers’ conventions, she’d sometimes heard of industry women experiencing far worse, but Helen quit attending these caustic functions before she personally experienced anything horrifying.

How she wished she were starting now, from scratch, anonymous and unmasked, an eager kid in a field with tens of thousands of them.

Her mother had told her once that the nicest thing you can do for someone is be happy to see them, and Helen thought about that now, as she felt herself smile, involuntarily.

The name on that label was now just a nostalgic reminder of the real thing, and for years to come, increasingly old men and women would sit in little bars off the highway and order it either way. If hearing themselves say the word “Blotz” makes them feel young, or beautiful, or invincible again, maybe it’s OK that it survives. Maybe, for many years now, Blotz was already better as a story than as a beer.

That said, unlike with, say, wine or whiskey, an average person in Minnesota can easily afford the highest-rated, best-reviewed beer sold in their market. Beer snobs may crow about the ineluctable characteristics of certain virtually inaccessible beers, but great beer is affordable and accessible for virtually every drinker who’s interested. That’s one of the biggest things I love about it.