Next Level Basic: The Definitive Basic Bitch Handbook

by Stassi Schroeder

That I, Bossy Stassi, told this famous actor that his coach’s class sucked and that he could learn a thing or two if he came to my performing arts high school in New Orleans. My dad was quiet, so I assumed he was embarrassed that his teenage daughter had sabotaged her future and insulted two grown men in the process. Later on that night, my dad surprised me and told me how proud he was of what I had done. He said, “I need you to always say what you’re thinking because there’s so much power in that.”

It’s not that people choose not to watch TV that bothers me the most—it’s that they brag about not watching TV like it’s such an accomplishment. Plus they usually tack on something about the fact that they read books instead of watching TV and it’s like, excuse me, I am capable of watching the Kardashians and reading books. They’re not mutually exclusive activities.

12. PEOPLE WHO JUDGE WHEN YOU ORDER A DRINK BEFORE NOON If I went on a date to an all-day pool party that started at 10:00 a.m. and my date scolded me for having a cocktail, I would know he wasn’t “the one.” In fact, in that moment he would become my mortal enemy.

can’t stand “when to give it up” rules. You’re not giving anything up. You are actively participating in a fun act with another human being.

I’m a Cancer, and Cancers are crabs that have a hard outer shell, but they’re actually the most sensitive sign in the zodiac. So I can’t help it—being sensitive is in my nature. I also use my zodiac sign as an excuse for being a homebody, because that’s also “written in the stars.” For Cancers, our homes are our sanctuaries. We like to feel safe and comfortable. So every time my boyfriend, Beau, is like, “Let’s stay out longer!” I’m like, “No, I’m a Cancer, we’re going home . . .” He can’t argue with that, so here’s a pro tip: using the traits of your zodiac sign is a pretty convenient way to get people to do what you want.

Like I said, I love reading about astrology because it validates some of my behaviors. Besides being extremely sensitive, we have strong survival instincts; we’re protective of those we care about and of ourselves. That said, Cancers are also very private, and I share my life with the world for a living so . . . that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But at times I can be extremely introverted. I guess because I’m on a reality show and I have a podcast where I let it all out, I’m pretty selective about who I actually share my life with, so I guess that’s Cancerish. I also have the Cancer trait of loving history, which I think explains my love of antiques, cemeteries, and old homes. You would never find me living in a brand-new McMansion, for example. As for the Cancer weaknesses, I am definitely: changeable, lazy, overly sensitive, and manipulative (at times). I can be moody AF. But I can’t help it—it’s written in the stars.

Homebody Supports other people’s chaos (which is hysterical because that’s exactly what we do on reality TV) Moody and emotional Vivid childhood memories Social anxiety (which we both get all the time) Holds grudges Likes animals more than humans (this is 100% true) Serial monogamist Loves HGTV (random, but true)

her coworkers also think I’m some sort of healer-type personality, but I think I fit more with the “destroyers.” I destroy bottles of wine; I destroy pizzas; I destroy hot dogs. In my mind, anything that makes you happy and relaxed is positive, which is why binge-watching reality shows is my way of being balanced and centered. So to each their freaking own—that’s a wellness mantra I can get behind.

Beau, I love you. You are the only man who has made me feel wholly comfortable and loved by being 100 percent myself. You have inspired me to write this book in so many ways, because you gave me the safe space to just be myself and write honestly. Also, I’ve never felt insecure watching a Kardashian marathon