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The man beside him now had been the love of his life when he was a teenager. The person he had always seen himself ending up with. It was difficult to reconcile that with the chasm that had widened during their decade apart. The wounds dealt by their rupture had cicatrized into ugly forms that still ached to this day.
Sometimes, making an alliance is simply about finding common ground and not giving as much weight to what makes you different. You both want to protect your lands. You’re stronger together. Keep to those common interests, and there is no reason for a negotiation to fail. If he wants something you don’t, and is unwilling to give in, then ask yourself if you’re willing to give it. If you are, ask for something of equal value in return. If not, simply agree to be peaceful neighbours. Not everybody is fit to be an ally, but they don’t have to be an enemy either.”
Thinking of those possibilities was a deep ache, but Kaiyo wouldn’t be the person he was now if that had been his fate. Maybe he’d be worse. Maybe he’d be better. It didn’t matter, in the end. He just wouldn’t be who he was now. He’d fought for the scars and markings on his skin. For his knowledge and what happiness he had. Of that, he had to be proud, even if Ahmik hadn’t been part of his growth for a long time. Kaiyo closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, he couldn’t be anybody else but himself.
Some things in life are difficult. I know you’ve probably heard that before, but what that really means is that when you encounter something that’s difficult, this is not a reflection on you. Of your capacity or worth. It is a natural quality of life. Some hills are steep. Some rivers are filled with rapid water. Some deserts are so long and arid it’s like they’re never going to stop.
You cannot control, in the moment, if the new landscape you encounter is difficult for you. If you never encountered difficult terrain, then you have either left your humanity behind, or you are not challenging yourself in life. “So. We’ve encountered a piece of difficult terrain. Good. That’s not a reflection of you but of the fact that we are being adventurous. That we are discovering new land. Should we explore it or turn around?”
Ahmik looked at Kaiyo, and the pain on his face was obvious. His own desperate fears not to lose anything else.
I do think she feels a bit…sad.” “I mean…she’s quiet. Kids are like that sometimes.” “Kids are people. Their emotions and behaviours mean something. You’ve got to listen to them,”
your mom would, above all, care about your happiness, and the happiness of the pack. Not whether the pack was big or small or respected or not. Her reputation didn’t matter to her, I don’t think. It was just about…” “Family.” “Yeah. The kind you make instead of the kind you just have.”
You had your reasons for that decision. I get that. I do. Was it the right one? I…I used to think being dead would have been better than being so alone.” Thea’s face crumpled at Kaiyo’s admission. Kaiyo wanted to comfort her, but they needed to know that although they had seen their actions as a solution to a problem, it had ripped Kaiyo apart. It wasn’t exactly that he didn’t forgive them, but he couldn’t simply forget the past.
Thea lunged forwards, wrapping Kaiyo in a hug. Kaiyo didn’t hesitate in squeezing her back. He closed his eyes and felt the pain of being given something he’d been starved of for a long time.
“I get sad sometimes. It makes it hard to get out of bed or do things. It’s like something doesn’t quite work inside,” he explained, tapping his head. “I’m okay. I know how to deal with it better now.” “Oh. You’re sad?” “Sometimes.” “Oh. Was it…did we do something?” “No. A lot of the time it doesn’t work that way. It’s inside. It’s like…you know when you peek through a window? And the window can be clean or it can be dirty or it can have water streaming down. And depending on the window, the world outside looks one way or it looks another. Like, it can be the sunniest day outside, but if that
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“So, for some reason, people think that with genders, there are only two colours. Girl and boy. But really, you can be one of the million little shades in between. And sometimes you can be one shade one moment and another shade the next. And that can be confusing, but what can hurt the most is if you tell yourself there are only two options, even if they don’t feel good at all. Maybe you don’t know what shade you are right now. That’s okay! That’s okay, Isla. I can call you whatever you like. You can wear whatever you want to make it fit with what you feel.”
At the end of the day, though, you can only be who you are. And you’re brave. And kind. And smart. You’re determined, hard-working, observant. You are so funny. Isla, I love you a lot, you know. I don’t want you to be anybody else. And if you didn’t have this part of yourself…you wouldn’t be you. So, I get that it might hurt right now to have it, but I’m glad, because I’m glad you’re you.”
Something overtook Kaiyo. A feeling like the expansion of the universe, like the sudden urge to cry deep in your chest. He howled with them. The sound was torn from his lungs, from his belly. Loss and longing and grief and joy. It was a purging of the old. It was a baptism of light. Ahmik looked at him as the calls rang out into the night. His eyes were the forest, were the past, and the pull inside Kaiyo.
Kaiyo closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear this. It was a bittersweet delicacy, knowing they hadn’t forgotten him the moment he was exiled. That they had suffered too.
“Gender fluid?” Emil asked. “Yes.” “I mean…the kid’s a tomboy. It’s just part of who she is, or a phase—” “Stop there,” Kaiyo said immediately, a protective burst of irritation flaring up. Emil shut his mouth, surprised. “I know you’re her parents. I know you are used to—and rightfully so—looking after her by making decisions that will help her. She’s ten. I get that. But in this, your interpretation of the situation simply does not matter. This isn’t even about what is or isn’t, what you believe or not. This is about Isla’s ability to learn about and express her own identity,”
what matters now, like I said, what we have to safeguard above all else, is Isla feeling like they are in control of their own identity and how they express this. That is the middle, beginning, and end of it. “If she says one day she identifies as female, then use female pronouns. If he identifies as male, use male pronouns. Is that confusing? It doesn’t matter. Your opinion doesn’t matter, because your opinion should never infringe on someone’s right to their own identity.
“All of you, Isla. As you are. You are, by far, the bravest person I know.” “No. I’m…I’m scared.” Kaiyo looked at her sitting there, a small, dark bird, her shorn head and baggy clothes, her hunched shoulders and fear. “People don’t feel brave, Isla. They feel fear. They are brave.”
That was family. Not because they shared blood or even pack ties, but because they could look at each other and say, “I see you, and I love you as you are.”
You are what you are, it doesn’t have to have a name. We love you every which way.”
knowledge into action. Kaiyo wondered if this was what an addiction felt like. There was no rationalizing his desire. He knew it was a bad idea. But he still wanted it.
They looked at each other. The hive inside him began swarming, each fragment coalescing to make a whole. Kaiyo walked towards Ahmik’s dark eyes and still form. His heart was silent and racing. There were no thoughts. An ancient magic had taken over his body. Ahmik pulled Kaiyo closer the second he was within reach. There was a moment that was just heat and breath and then it was lips too.
“The Kanbara pack. They’re located in the south of Japan.” “They’re coming all the way from Japan for a social call?” “Well, I guess they’re…” “Courting you,” Ahmik finished.
Kaiyo could feel the heat of Ahmik’s body as they sat close together. It was like a dream you remember in increments. A nebulous impression at first, before it starts gaining shape and meaning, dragging your thoughts towards it in flashes of sounds and colours and the aching feeling they caused.
Down, to Kaiyo’s trembling stomach. A delicate garden of water-coloured herbs and flowers curled around the black lines of runes, so beautiful it felt like they could be plucked from his skin. Petals twitched and seemed to flutter undone as they were caressed by Ahmik’s hands, his lips and tongue.
Kaiyo’s jutting shoulder blades as his back arched made the petals of the lotus and chrysanthemum inked there move. They had been drawn in Japan by a traditional hand, the petals blooming open and breathing freely. The Japanese style continued down his back, flowing with the lines of Kaiyo’s body in stark colours that told of his past, his heritage, what he saw of himself in the future.
He’d thought Ahmik would be witness to every scar and wrinkle and freckle collected. But that had been a long time ago. The images painted into Kaiyo’s skin had been devoid of Ahmik. Kaiyo had never thought Ahmik would see them, let alone touch the meaning of their shapes. Having Ahmik acknowledge their forms was like a crashing of worlds he’d never thought would meet.
Mori and Kaiyo’s easy, familiar interactions couldn’t be missed, and it seemed to be putting the whole Garrow pack a little on edge. It couldn’t be any other way, however. Kaiyo knew it was normal for them to be territorial of Kaiyo, but it was just a side effect of Kaiyo’s bond with the land. It would dissipate as soon as he was gone.
Kaiyo slowed his pace for a moment, brushing his fingers along Ahmik’s cheek. There was a feeling that was more than pleasure inside Kaiyo. Warm and red. Deep. It had been dormant in a cold winter. But now it was spring. Kaiyo closed his eyes. He couldn’t think about that. He couldn’t face the devastating truth of that thought.
“He’s just…going to miss you. We—” “Stop.” Kaiyo shook his head. He didn’t need this to be harder than it already was. He didn’t know why Thea was acting like this was his decision to make.
He couldn’t have guessed how much happiness could exist easily alongside those days. How it wasn’t one or the other. It was about finding a balance that allowed him to flourish into the light. So Kaiyo closed his eyes and savoured it. Fear, sadness, relief. Life.
