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May 4 - July 17, 2025
too bad to stay in, how can things possibly improve? One person out of touch with reality is bad enough; two people like this are an insane asylum.
And let’s say that the problem your partner has that makes you think about leaving is something he acknowledges. That’s good. Acknowledgment delivers real hope. But now let’s take the next step. Yes, he acknowledges the problem, but is he willing to do something about it? Is he at least willing to try?
Diagnostic question #16. Is there something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in and that he acknowledges but that, for all intents and purposes, he’s unwilling to do anything about?
GUIDELINE #16 If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and he acknowledges it, but he’s in fact unwilling to do anything about it, and if his unwillingness has been clear for at least six months, you’ll be happier if you leave. Quick take: If you’re waiting for your partner to want to change, you’re waiting for Godot.
For one person, a partner’s being willing to change with respect to substance abuse might mean going to some kind of AA-type meeting. For another person whose partner has the same problem, being willing to change might mean stopping hanging out with the same old crowd.
For one person, a partner’s being willing to change a pattern of earning little money and having long stretches between jobs—for whatever reason—might mean going back to school and getting some kind of skill or credential that will create good options.
For one person, a partner’s being willing to change being depressed, tired, and miserable much of the time might mean going into therapy and sticking with it.
Then you make an agreement about the specific change, which includes some kind of time frame.
If you make an agreement you can save yourself from one of the many ways people fall into what I call the Waiting Trap. We’re all susceptible to falling into the Waiting Trap all the time in our lives.
it’s really helpful to actually write down what your partner’s willing to do and the time frame on a dated piece of paper. Then you both sign it.
Diagnostic question #17. This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave: have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful?
GUIDELINE #17 If you can really let go of the problem that’s most making you feel you want to leave your partner, if you can stop paying attention to it or stop letting it bother you, there’s a real chance this relationship is too good to leave. Quick take: In a relationship with a future, people can let go of the problems they can’t solve.
People often talk about how you can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself. That’s what this guideline refers to. But the reality is that this kind of letting go is a lot harder to come by than we’d like.
Diagnostic question #18. As you think about your partner’s problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, does he acknowledge it and is he willing to do something about it and is he able to change?
Knowing You Care. A lot of people need the sense that you really care about what you’re asking for.
“I never really knew how much it mattered to you.”
If you’ve been suffering in an iffy relationship because of something your partner does, you need to ask yourself, “Have I made it clear to him how his life will be better if he changes?”
Therapy. Some people need therapy to change.
GUIDELINE #18 If your partner shows a real sign of being able to change with respect to a problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, there’s a good chance there’s something healthy and alive at the core of your relationship and you won’t be happy if you give up on it at this point. Quick take: It’s the ability to change that turns frogs into princes.
People who were happy with what they did had said to themselves, in effect, “What’s a personal bottom line for me? Has my partner gone over the line?”
If there’s something that’s really a bottom line for you and your partner crosses it and you don’t act on it, then you’re performing an act of psychological self-mutilation.
Your complicity traps you in the relationship and makes you feel you’ve betrayed yourself.
I realize this is an extreme example, but not acknowledging your bottom lines and not acting when they’re violated has permanently damaging psychological consequences.
“Even though I love my partner and even though I’d rather be in a relationship than be alone, there are some things that if they were going on would mean I just could no longer be happy or at peace in this relationship.”
Diagnostic question #19. Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?
GUIDELINE #19 If you’ve made it clear what your real bottom lines are and your partner’s violated them anyway, then by definition you will not be happy if you stay and you will only be happy if you leave. Quick take: The bottom line is the end of the line.
The rule of thumb that I’ve found works best is that you’ve got to allow yourself the opportunity to establish a bottom line and you’ve got to allow your partner the opportunity to know what your line is.
What works is to say, “I really need to let you know that such and such is my absolute bottom line. That’s simply a fact for me, so if you ever do it again I’ll know you want to end our relationship.”
Being married to your ambivalence is a lonely place to be, so I can’t believe you’d want to stay stuck in this place. That’s why you have to allow yourself to see your personal bottom lines when and where they exist and allow them to clarify the boundaries of what’s acceptable and unacceptable to you.
It’s even a point of divorce law: irreconcilable differences.
DIFFERENCES THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE The issue of differences between two partners is unusually compelling as a way for people to understand what goes wrong in relationships. Whenever we meet anyone for the very first time, the first thing we’re aware of is the degree to which they’re similar to us or different from us. And if someone seems very different, that fact feels both striking and uncomfortable.
once we’re in a relationship some differences have a way of magnifying themselves,
And we’ve all had the experience of gaps or discordancies in relationships that are just too enormous for love to bridge.
Perhaps what seems like a “difference” problem is really a cammunication problem.
Or perhaps what seems like a “difference” problem is really a negotiation problem.
Or perhaps what seems like a “difference” problem is really a power problem.
To get at just where a difference makes a real difference you’ve got to focus on what’s really most important to people, to all of us: how we live.
Diagnostic question #20. Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?
This question gets at the issue of lifestyle.
I’m not talking about details or fragments of a lifestyle. I’m talking about what I call the armature of a lifestyle, the inner framework that gives a life shape and substance. It’s about what you care about in how you actually live.
The quality of our free time is the centerpiece of the quality of our lives for most people. The difference between these two people wasn’t about one little thing in their free time but about the entire nature and structure of their free time.
It’s clear why the lifestyle difference is so critical. It’s the reason people end up choosing a lifestyle over their partner:
You wanted that person combined with the lifestyle you’d have (or you thought you’d have) with that person.
But your vision of happiness with that person included a vision of how you’d live with that person, what your life with that person would be like.
When the overall, basic quality of your life is at stake, you need to feel you can give yourself permission to choose the life that feels good to you over the life that doesn’t.
GUIDELINE #20 If you and your partner have passionately felt but profoundly divergent preferences about
how to live, and if the lifestyle you prefer is impossible with your partner, and if it’s clear that you’ll be happier living that lifestyle without your partner than living with your partner without that lifestyle, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay. Quick take: You live a life, you don’t live a relationship.
This guideline is about where happiness and contentment and satisfaction come from in life. They come from the way you live, from the things that are...
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If your lifestyle difference is not such a big deal or you can accommodate your differences within your lifestyle, then you don’t have a problem.
STEP #21: “I MARRIED A MARTIAN” Any difference can be annoying, but most differences are either resolvable or ignorable. You can resolve a difference by working out some kind of compromise. You can ignore a difference by just being who you are and doing what you want and paying no attention to the gap between you.
