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May 4 - July 17, 2025
I’m just asking if, when it counts for you, you really like your partner the way you like a friend or someone else you feel comfortable and happy being with.
Instead I’m asking how your partner makes you feel about how he feels about you. Does your partner act as though he likes you? Does your partner make you feel he likes you? I know there are periods of anger and hurt and distance between you, but does your partner convey to you the sense that he likes you outside of these periods?
Although she was careful to remember to point out the high values Dave had that she shared, she had nothing else good to say about him.
GUIDELINE # 11 If it’s clear to you that basically and overall you just don’t like your partner, then your love is a ghost, no matter what else you have going for you and no matter how loudly your heart cries out that you love
him, and you’ll be happiest if you leave. And if your partner makes it clear to you that he just doesn’t like you, then in this case, too, you’ll be happiest if you leave. Quick take: In the long run—no like, no love.
Before this you felt uncomfortable and maybe there were things about your partner you didn’t like, but then that one incident comes along and highlights who he really is and how you really feel about him.
There’s a time trap some people fall into with this issue. They get stuck waiting for not liking to turn into liking.
We’ve all had the experience of meeting someone, not liking them at first, getting to know them better, and then finding we like them a lot.
I’m talking about your having a sense that on balance and overall your partner just doesn’t like you.
If you’re genuinely stumped about whether you really like your partner, keep a daily record on a piece of paper. Every day jot down a D (for dislike) if basically and overall you didn’t like your partner that day. And jot down an L (for like) if something happened to make you like your partner that day.
Keep this daily record for about six weeks. Then look at what you’ve recorded. Look at the pattern of D’s and L’s.
If this were a world of saints, you’d see your partner pull back, you’d see his complaints and coldness, and immediately realize what you’d done to make that happen. You’d immediately start giving back to make him willing to give to you again. But we don’t live in that world of saints. Instead what we do is all too often respond to hurt and anger with hurt and anger of our own.
Diagnostic question #12. Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this the way things are between you now, without any expectation of being paid back?
Conceptions of Modern Psychiatry, Sullivan said, “When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.”
What does it mean to say that someone else’s satisfaction or security is as significant as your own? To me it means that love is not the package you carry around, it’s the package you deliver. It’s not what you feel inside and certainly not what you say you feel inside, it’s what you can give based on what you feel inside.
And the simplest test of this is question #12: Are you still willing to give something unconditionally to your partner?
GUIDELINE # 12 In spite of how hurt and deprived you feel, if you are still willing to deliver a concrete expression of love, without expecting anything back in the near future, there’s a real chance there’s a solid core of aliveness in your relationship. If you won’t give unless there’s a clear expectation of getting something in return, that’s evidence you won’t be happy if you stay. Quick take: When
there’s nothing left to give, there’s nothing left at all.
It wasn’t that alone that made the relationship too good to leave. But when she saw what she was giving to him, she asked herself, “Is there a reason I can’t keep this up forever? Does this cost me anything?” Her answer was no to both questions. And that was a reason to stay.
Every once in a while someone’s afraid to give unconditionally. They feel they do have something left to give but they’re afraid if they actually give it they’ll get screwed, used, suckered into doing all the work in the relationship. But I want to say that these fears are generally unwarranted. You already know the relationship’s iffy. You’re already thinking of leaving. If you give and nothing happens and you get nothing back, the forces of mutual shutdown are powerful enough to make it likely that you won’t have anything left to give the next time, and you’ll have found the clarity you’re
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The issue we’ve got to face here is where to draw the line between (1) sexual problems that frustrate and disappoint us and (2) sexual problems that make a relationship too bad to stay in.
People whose partners take off the table discussions about sexual matters are the ones who end up being miserable if they stay. People whose partners do not take sexual discussions off the table are much more likely to feel their relationship is too good to leave.
Deteriorating relationships cause people to stop making love.
stopped making love as often as you used to or as you’d like to, it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything seriously wrong between you. It’s not a reason by itself for you to conclude you’ve got to leave or even that there’s anything necessarily wrong with your relationship.
Diagnostic question #13. Do both you and your partner want to touch each other and look forward to touching each other and make efforts to touch each other?
I’m talking about things as elemental as kissing, hugging, stroking, holding hands, rubbing a neck, putting a hand on a leg, and any other form of touching
I’m not asking about how often you want to make love to your partner. I’m just asking if in general you want to make love to your partner at all.
Wanting to touch and wanting to be touched are the bedrock of the part of your physical relationship on which your emotional relationship builds.
GUIDELINE # 13 If either you or your partner has stopped wanting to touch the other or be touched
by the other, and this goes on for several months without any sign of abating, then you’re making a profound statement about how alienated you are from each other, and based on the experience of other people in this situation you won’t be happy if you stay and you will be happy if you leave. Quick take: If someone makes your flesh crawl, it’s time to crawl out of the relationship.
There’s one thing you have to be careful about with this guideline. It’s why I talked about this going on for several months without signs of abating. You have to be careful about the fact that people get into weird places when t...
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Guideline #13 applies only when it sinks in that literally not wanting touching has become permanent for you or your partner.
Diagnostic question #14. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner?
But for whatever reason there’s something sweet or safe or special or comfortable about their sexual relationship with
Other people just don’t feel right to them. But this person does.
GUIDELINE # 14 If you feel a physical, sexual attraction to your partner that puts him or her in a special category for you, where you’re drawn to him or her strongly and in a way you’re not drawn to anyone else, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you stay because most people in this situation are happy they stay, as long as there are no powerful reasons to leave. Quick take: If you’re especially attracted to your partner, there’s something special about your relationship.
If this guideline doesn’t apply to you, don’t worry. People can be perfectly happy in relationships with someone they’re no more physically attracted to than they are to anyone else.
STEP #15: BEYOND DENIAL The word denial is tossed around so often and so glibly these days that I’m afraid it’s lost its usefulness. So I’m going to use that word as little as possible here. Instead I’m going to talk about things like blindness and ignorance about who you are and what you’re doing and what its effects are on the people around you and what the long-term consequences are.
There are two ingredients here: 1. Selfishness.
2. The other ingredient is Bob’s utter cluelessness, his inability to perceive his own selfishness.
Diagnostic question #15 . Does your partner neither see nor admit things you’ve tried to get him to acknowledge that make your relationship too bad to stay in?
I’m talking about here is your partner’s closing his eyes and mind to one of his problems that bores right through you like a bad headache when you think about the things that make your relationship too bad to stay in.
People whose partners deny something important like this don’t usually come right out and say their partners cannot and will not see the problem.
if our partner can’t see something that’s so easy to see, there’s something wrong there and that means there’s a good chance they’ll never see it.
GUIDELINE # 15 If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and if you’ve tried to get him to acknowledge it and he simply cannot and does not, then that problem will just get worse over time. If the thought of a lifetime with it getting worse is not acceptable, you’ll be happiest if you leave. Quick take: If your partner can’t even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it’s time to get out.
it’s got to be more than just words.
But he’s also got to convey the sense that he sees how what he’s doing is a problem for you;
You’ve got to watch out for one of the slipperiest ways people refuse to acknowledge their problems: they get hurt. Your asking for acknowledgment makes them sad, discouraged, desperate.
what these people are really doing, consciously or unconsciously, is using emotional blackmail to convince you that night is day and that not dealing with a problem is a more effective way of handling it than dealing with it.
Regardless of how he does it, if your partner can’t even recognize what he’s doing and the impact it has on you and the fact that it makes the relationship
