Identity Thief (This Can't Be Happening collection)

by Rachel Rosenthal

The sign-in poster at the entrance to Temple Beth El’s high-ceilinged banquet hall featured a photo of me in a tie-dyed shirt I’d made at summer camp, talking on a white 1980s telephone with a curly plug-in cord. I invited more than forty kids to that party. Talking and sharing were life.

Period

I’ve always been a talker.

Me too girl

In a world before Facebook, my friends and family—and personal journal—were required to do a lot of listening.

Certified yapper

At the time, I was planning a study-abroad trip to Jerusalem, and he happened to have visited Israel in high school, so he filled me in on every morsel of what to expect.

Oh god :/

You know how people have different love languages? Some people show love through gift giving, or words of affection, or touch. Zach’s love language was “acts of service.”

Cute

So, Zach—who had met her only once, at a family reunion—rented a U-Haul and drove to New Hampshire in the middle of a huge snowstorm and packed her up. Portsmouth and Boston are an hour away from each other, and that’s in good weather. So, that was Zach.

Thats insane

For starters, we moved on September 1, 2001. Ten days later the Twin Towers fell.

THATS INSANE

Did you know some lawyers have huge, heavy book sets of, like, fifty books on their shelves that contain current laws, and those laws are constantly changing?

Crazy

“Oh, please. You think I still feel butterflies for Daniel after twenty-five years? Those things go away. What matters is that he is a good person.” And I thought, I’m only twenty-two. We’ve been dating two years, not twenty-five.

Damn

When I got back to Boston, I broke up with Zach. It was excruciating. Seeing his face and knowing I had hurt him made me feel like I was cutting out my own heart.

Woah

Less than six months later, I was served yet another Adult Challenge. I called my bank to check on a recent deposit and learned about a series of fraudulent transactions on my account: someone who wasn’t me had made numerous cash withdrawals at ATMs.

Uh oh

Our kitchen didn’t have an oven, but who needs an oven when you live right near your favorite tree, a huge weeping willow in the Boston Public Garden?

What does that even mean

It turned out that the ATM fraud was not a one-time thing. I opened another bank account, and the same thing happened. Money was taken out of my account, but not by me. It sucked. Thus began my and Zach’s era of trying to combat identity fraud. We became detectives.

Damn

I called Sovereign Bank and explained that I needed to cancel the bank check and also needed them to cut me a new one. The woman on the other end of the phone said, “You already cashed that check, sweetie.” I felt tears well up in my eyes. Thus began yet another investigation.

Girl

I kept thinking about that Chicago guy, sitting in his stupid apartment, in his stupid windbreaker. And I wondered, Why are you stealing from a girl who makes minimum wage and works at a children’s museum?

was it him tho

In a monotone voice, [the police officer] said to me, “Do you have a boyfriend? It’s always the boyfriend.”

Omg is it

Eventually, Sovereign Bank called me and told me they’d located the canceled check. I went in to take a look and sat down at a desk with an agent. She slid the check across to me. My name had been crossed off, and my landlord’s name written in. Where my signature should have been was a forged signature. It was Zach’s handwriting. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I

GASP

He told me he had something called impulse control disorder, a disease that manifests differently in different people.

Girl whatevr

I had begun to believe that adulthood was grueling, shitty, out of your control. Sure, you can work hard and be a good person, but people are still going to rob you blind and make life difficult.

Real

Then, on March 1, 2005, I was sitting at my desk at the children’s museum, when Zach called and asked if I could get out of work early.

Uh oh

He guided us to our favorite tree, turned around to face me, and got down on one knee. He opened a tiny velvety box with the ring—one center diamond and two round stones on either side—and proposed. I quickly, of course, said, “Yes!”

Ew

It was our landlord, which was strange, because he never called me. He only dealt with Zach. He was screaming. “I don’t know what the hell you and your boyfriend are trying to pull, but you’re being evicted and you owe me thirteen thousand dollars, and I swear to God, I’m going to sue you.”

WHAT

He said, “You’re a liar, just like your boyfriend! And I don’t understand why all of a sudden you would pay me rent one month when you haven’t paid me rent in a year!” That’s when the light bulb went off. I realized he was referring to the one month I had mailed in our rent check instead of giving my rent to Zach to mail. Had Zach not been paying our rent?

WHAT

It wasn’t my dream job, but I knew I had to get on my feet financially, even if it meant selling my soul.

Insane sentence

When I got back to our apartment, with Zach in the bedroom, I went into the bathroom, closed the door, sat down on the cold white floor, and called my mom. I finally told her what had been happening over the past few years.

Damn

The next few moments happened very fast. I hung up the phone and went into the bedroom to tell Zach. He knew I had planned to tell my mother about our situation, and he must have feared what her reaction would be, because I found him curled in a ball on our bed, knees to his chest, rocking back and forth. He seemed to be having some sort of a breakdown.

Oh lord

He screamed, “You don’t even know! You don’t know!” He was freaking out, hysterical. He interrupted me every time I tried to say something. He said, “Just wait, you don’t even know! You’re going to leave me!” I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell what was real anymore.

Wtf

Every time I said something, Zach screamed at me not to, so I handed him the phone, ran into our living room, and called Zach’s therapist.

Girl

I was scheduled to perform at a comedy show that evening. I called my friend and cast mate, Matt, and said catatonically, “I don’t think I’m getting married anymore. I think my life is falling apart. And I need a ride to the show.”

Omg

The next morning, with Zach’s father and brother at our apartment, I said, “All right. I’m going to go home to my parents’ for a few days. You go home to your family in DC. We’ll talk about stuff. We’ll figure this out,” not knowing if we actually would. I was trying to convince him just as much as I was trying to convince myself. Then we said a quick goodbye and went home. I have never, ever seen Zach since. Ever.

Omg