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never settle for less than an Ezra "Ethic" Okafor.
never love a Messiah more than you love yourself.
“I understand. None of that says I’ll kill your mama and fuck your bitch,” Ethic stated. “But make no mistake about it, nigga. I killed your mama and fucked your bitch.”
Black men killing black men only strengthens our opponents,”
You took my son from me. For that, nothing but murder will do. Your mama, the unfortunate woman who lives at 444 Baltimore Street…” Cream’s eyes flickered in recognition, as his second child’s mother’s residence was revealed, but he was too weak to do anything but groan. “Your mama’s sister, and your granny, nigga. All dead because of you.”
“You can’t have it both ways, Alani. You’ve always been that type of child. You want to be mad on your terms. You want the attention and be able to turn your nose up at the same time. The way you hold a grudge is unhealthy, baby, and I know you get that from your father leaving you all those years ago. Him hopping in and out your life, you hated him every second he was gone, but he pops in for 20 minutes and you relished in the attention.
“Even if you don’t forgive him for the sake of him. Do it for you. Pick yourself up so you can live. You can’t heal and hate at the same time.”
love and hate were the same emotion just channeled in different ways.
“Bro, on some real shit. You with her, shit’s legit. You’re my man and I’d never tell you no bogus shit. That other bullshit. It’s time to dead that. Let sleeping dogs lie. Some shit ain’t worth losing, my G.” Ahmeek nodded toward the stage. “That ain’t worth losing.”
“Nigga, what happened to going out?” Isa protested. He knew that if Morgan left, Aria would too. Everybody thought they were intimate, but truth was, Aria was making him chase it. The first night after ice skating, she had made him feed her and then insisted that he drive her all the way back to State. He hit her up from time to time, but she was hard to read. He wanted to keep time with her, but he knew if it wasn’t a group outing, she was going to decline.
Young women went into love with the purpose of proving how true theirs could be. They measured their commitment by how much they could endure for a man. They would do anything asked and often even what hadn’t been asked to attempt to symbolize their allegiance. It wasn’t until after a woman knew herself did she establish parameters. It wasn’t until she was wiser did she determine that she was the prize and a man either had to love her within her limits or get out the way, so the next man could.
His son lying next to the little girl he was responsible for ending. It was fucking with him. A man who had never feared anything, was terrified of the sight of that. He knew it would keep him away from not only the funeral but from Love’s grave in general. Alani had made his son’s gravesite Ethic repellant and he wasn’t sure if it was her intention or not, but it was devastating.
Men thought they held the power. Men were arrogant to think that they controlled anything. Men weren’t shit compared to women.
Women were a motherfucker when scorned, and her burying his son next to his greatest sin was payback, whether she was aware or not.
It wasn’t the place of a man to make life feel worse. If he couldn’t make it better, what was his purpose?
Ethic had put his all into four women during his 30 odd years on Earth. Bella’s mother, Melanie, had been the first black woman he’d experienced and lost. Raven had been the second woman to give him a child. Death had taken them both. Grief had darkened too many of his days behind their unfortunate demise. Just when he thought he would never love another, a heartbreaker by the name of YaYa had been the third; and while she didn’t die, she was simply not his to keep. Another man had already imprinted onto her soul and he had known their days were numbered from the moment he got lost in her
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Then, there was Alani, and she was greater than the three combined, yet he had become that curse to her. He had decided that love wasn’t destined for everyone, especially him.
“I am woman and woman is beautiful. We are expected to be beautiful, so I will be what people don’t expect. They don’t expect intelligence, they don’t expect grace. I am strong, and even when others have the ability to physically overpower me, mentally, I am stronger. I am a queen on a throne, and a place next to me must be earned. When I find my king, his power doesn’t erase my own. My crown is not a man’s to repossess. I was born in regality. I am kind, but naivety does not dwell within me. I am woman. I am the origin. Everything begins and ends with me. No man is worthy of my worth. I
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“I want to see you happy like when you’re with a woman you love. Like when you were with Raven. You were happy with YaYa. You were happiest with Alani. You were different with her. Your eyes looked different. You smiled when she was around. You make everybody happy except yourself. That’s not fair.”
Man was made to hunt, to find nourishment not only to feed the hunger in their bellies but the hunger in their souls.
just like a black woman, she was internalizing his wrongdoing, blaming herself, shouldering the responsibility when it should have been his.
Morgan sat, one manicured hand covering her mouth as she held it agape while watching Ethic. He really loves her. She discreetly squeezed Messiah’s hand under the table, as she turned misty eyes his way. “Did you feel that?” she whispered.
“I want that type of love one day,” Morgan whispered. “You got it today,” Messiah said, as he leaned into Morgan, nipping her ear with his teeth, causing her to quiver. “And I ain’t gon’ fuck it up.
“A nigga will tell you what you want to hear every day and go out and do some bullshit that proves he don’t fuck with you at all, Mo. I’m not that nigga. If I told you once that was for life. It’s some shit attached to those words for me.
A man who loves you will never be afraid to tell you,”
What does he mean he has some shit he’ll never share? He knows everything about me. Why can’t he share it?
“A woman only hates a man as passionately as she loved him.
“You know I don’t think you can say you love someone until you love the darkest parts of them,” Ethic said. “It’s easy to love when everything is good, when everything feels easy. It’s the darkness that tests true love.”
A woman didn’t nectar for a man that wasn’t meant to pick her fruit.
He didn’t want any other man taking care of a woman he called his. Ethic or otherwise. Father or not. Morgan was his responsibility.
Mo. I’m your man, so I should provide. Fuck this back and forth bullshit. Fuck Ethic.” “He’s my father!” Morgan hissed. “I can’t just say fuck him.” “That nigga ain’t your daddy,” Messiah mumbled. He didn’t even see Morgan’s hand coming. She slapped him and then pushed him and then thought about the shit and pushed him again. Her eyes glistened. “Why would you say that?” she shouted.
“Since when is it fuck Ethic? Since when do you even disrespect him? First, the gun at Alani’s that day! Now, you speaking like it’s animosity in you. Who are you right now? Don’t ever, ever, ever in your life disrespect him. Not if you want me. Pulling me away from him is not the way to get me closer to you. You’ll lose me.”
“You should leave, Messiah,” she whispered. He looked up, in shock. He wasn’t used to her rejection. It felt like a fist to the stomach. “I was out of line, shorty,” he said. “Just come to bed.” “I’m coming to bed. You’re going home,” she said, as she took a step back.
“That’s the type of nigga that wants you just because he can’t have you. Just because you’re something he’s never had before. Then, he gets you and rips your heart to pieces.
Messiah was butterflies. Women were supposed to marry the boring ones. Build a life with the boring ones. Bash was as good as any, probably even better than most. He was handsome, educated, intelligent, and pedigreed, according to Aria. Bash came from a long line of money and was grandfathered into a successful family business. He had the gift of gab, was full of compliments and positive energy. He was the type to take you on picnics and choose the book store for dates. He was a good guy and Morgan enjoyed spending time with him. Yes, a friendship with him would complicate things.
There was tension in her belly and confusion hit her. Why was boring now turning to butterflies?
“When he hurts you. When you want somebody to fix what he tears down, you know how to find me. I hope he doesn’t. I hope I’m wrong because you’re amazing, Mo; but if I’m right... If it ever happens, don’t hesitate to use my number,” Bash said. “There could be an entire girlfriend on my arm and I’d leave her standing right there to shoot my shot with you.”
She wanted to call Meek or Isa and tell them to calm Messiah down, but she was afraid that they would take his side. They were just as ill-tempered as Messiah. Their opinions would only escalate the flames. Aria wasn’t answering the phone. Ethic would kill Messiah, so she couldn’t call him. The only other person who knew him, the only other person who might empathize with her, was Bleu. She was so desperate that she dialed her number. She couldn’t even stop herself from crying long enough to take the call without causing alarm.
“Why? If you love him, why is that wrong? Why not just be with him?” Morgan asked. “Because I had to love me more.
Iman made me feel sick to my stomach when I first met him. I was so nervous and so intoxicated by him. I lost myself in his world. I became someone I wasn’t, trying to keep up with his lifestyle, trying to live up to his expectations,” Bleu explained.
Love is safe, Morgan. It makes you feel secure and it’s patient. It listens. It never hurts.
College is about experiences. It’s about finding yourself and connecting with different people, figuring out what type of people you enjoy being around. You’re trying to limit those connections because you don’t want to upset him. Don’t lose yourself in him.
I made the mistake of loving a man more than I loved myself and thinking that the measure of love he had for me would be more than enough. It never is. Self-love is the greatest love of all,
“I have to love him more. He’s never gotten it from anyone. He needs me. If I love me first, it’ll feel like I’m abandoning him,” Morgan cried. “That’s why he’s so mad. I hesitated about moving in and then he saw the kiss and…God, he’s going to leave me.”
“Don’t nobody see the problem with this but me?” Iman asked.
“We all see it, Iman, but he loves her. I don’t think he meant for it to be this way, but it happened; and if this girl ever finds out…”
She melted into him, sobbing. So forgiving, without much effort from him at all. He would have to be careful with that. He understood now how Nish had taken advantage of her kindness. Morgan was a people pleaser. She just wanted people to like her, to be in a good place with her. Conflict was scary, and she avoided it at all costs, even if it meant forgiving what she should not. That kindness was a weakness.
“That’ll never happen, Mo. Ever. I swear to God, if I ever disappear on you it means I’m dead and gone because nothing or nobody will ever keep me away from you. Even if I’m mad, even if we argue, I’ll always come back. You hear me?” he asked. “I was wrong. I’m dead-ass wrong and I will never talk to you like that again. I will never treat you like that again.
YaYa was a woman who knew her pedigree. She was royalty and she looked the part from her stiletto heels with the skin-tight denim, to the fox fur shawl that rested over her cream bodysuit. YaYa was perfection, but she didn’t excite him in the way she used to. She led the way to his living room where a baby boy slept.
YaYa looked up at him and then quickly back down to her son. “If I had a piece of you to keep forever, I would claim that. I would be grateful for that. He’s not yours, Ethic. I thought he may be, we both know we put in enough work for him to possibly be. Even after we ended, we didn’t really end.”
