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She hadn’t expected a man like Ethic to remain single for long, but she knew him, she knew him like she knew her own man, Indie; and although she knew the answer to her next question, she asked it anyway.
He loves someone else, she thought. She was both happy and saddened by that fact, because if anyone deserved love it was Ethic. He was the best man she knew, even better than the one she had chosen over him.
“But I broke her and it’s eating-me-a-fucking-live because I know where she is, and I can’t go get her. I can’t fix this and I’m a man that’s used to fixing shit, carrying shit on my back for everybody that I love. I’m empty right now. I can’t even look at my kids without feeling guilty.”
Ethic used to love those eyes. Once upon a time, he would drown in those emerald pools she called eyes. Now, they were simply a color because the brown eyes of another had given him a peek into a soul so genuine that everything else felt like a knockoff. Even YaYa couldn’t compare and the pedestal he put her on was pretty high. Alani’s was higher, however…Alani’s was a throne.
“Motherhood is a privilege. Once a woman has kids, it’s like a light is flicked on inside her. It’s a love that’s consistent and pure. A connection that needs no explanation. It just fulfills you. I can’t explain it. It’s like it completes you. Your child is the one person that will never abandon you. You get to see the world through new eyes and it’s so much better the second time around. You took that from her. I don’t know if that’s something you can fix,” YaYa said.
“You’re a man who is used to controlling things. Sometimes, as women, we don’t want you to fix anything…sometimes, we just want you to be there while we figure out how to fix ourselves.”
YaYa was the exact opposite of Alani. High-maintenance. Bossy. A diva. Both women were beautiful but vastly different. YaYa was proof that he was an appreciator of all types. He had experienced quite a few YaYa’s, never had he run into another Alani.
She was comfortable in his space…beautiful in it, in fact. He didn’t mind. He had once thought he would share it with her. It seemed like so long ago that he had planned to build a life with her. Alani had muddled his timeline, made him forget just how potently he had desired Disaya Perkins. Here in the flesh, this green-eyed beauty reminded him.
“Married life is fine. I’m not heartbroken over Indie. I just found out the man I love is in love with someone else.”
“I’m a woman with not one, but two children. My choices are not my own to make. I had more than myself to consider, Ethic. Maybe if I was a selfish woman, I would have chosen differently. I would be here with you right now and this girl you love wouldn’t even exist to you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you move. The type of man I am, other women wouldn’t have the privilege to hop in and out as they see fit.” He took the shot. “I’ll take the time I can get with you.”
“I don’t know why I can’t leave you alone. It’s like, I’m with him. I chose him, but I lay in bed at night and I think of you.” YaYa whispered it like it was her darkest secret.
“You’re just half filled. You attached yourself to a man that doesn’t pour into you. Maybe he used to, but something has changed. I believe he loves you, because any nigga willing to war with me over a woman definitely loves that woman…”
“But because he’s lost his focus, he forgot that the woman every nigga wanted is the one in his possession, so he’s slipping. He’s neglecting. I compensate for what he’s not giving you and you love me for it. You want me for it, because you know that it doesn’t take anybody else but me to keep you at 100, to make you feel secure, to keep you full. But you’re stuck. You already chose him, you’re already indebted to him, so there could never be an us. You’re too honorable of a woman to let go of a man you feel like you owe. You have years in with him. You’re invested, but you don’t love him
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“I’m just so in love with you too. You have my heart, he has my soul. There are no winners in that.”
“You claim to love this new girl,” YaYa said. “But we weren’t that long ago. You can’t tell me you don’t still have feelings for me?” “I do. I would never deny that, but her…” Ethic paused to shake his head. She was floored at the regard he held for this woman. “I am in love with her. In love, YaYa. In. Submerged in. Dissolved in. Parts of her have melted into me so I couldn’t separate the sentiment from her on the darkest day. She’s in me. That means you and everybody else that was inside my heart before her had to get out,” Ethic explained. “The way I love her doesn’t leave room for anyone
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If a woman had even one complaint, one insecurity, one area in which she was unfulfilled, then her man wasn’t doing his part.
Ethic always believed in satisfying the one he was with. In his experience, when a woman was loved correctly, she would give a man all he needed to not stray.
“I’m glad you came, YaYa. I’d fly to the end of the Earth to come see about you. Feels good to know this thing between us is reciprocated. I question that at times.”
“Some people can stay in your heart but not your life,”
He realized he was busy trying to fix each of them, when it was he whom needed repair. He couldn’t save anyone without saving himself first.
You couldn’t ‘un-love’ a man like Ethic. You couldn’t unlearn the value he made his woman feel. You couldn’t stop the tickle that spread through your stomach under his scrutiny. His love wasn’t the Indian-giving kind. There were no take backs. Once he gave it, it settled in your bones. Not even the hate she felt could scrape the love from her existence. So, inside her lived both adulation and contempt. Once a woman experienced the presence of a real man, her life changed.
Bella smiled differently, since having Alani in her life; and for that alone, Alani would always have his loyalty.
but damn it if Ethic and this woman didn’t look like a couple in love, doting over their new baby. They were so comfortable with one another. The baby was so comfortable in Ethic’s arms and this woman was so freaking gorgeous, and she kept touching Ethic. A hand to his forearm, a finger to Ethic’s eyebrows to smooth them out, a sip from the cup Ethic was drinking from. He was drinking after her and Alani knew then that he had tasted her pussy, because what was a little backwash compared to vagina juice all over your tongue? She was sick, and she was sure she was close to passing out because
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“You don’t have to leave, Ya. It’s always good to have you here,” Ethic said. It never mattered how much time or distance was between them. Whenever they managed to come back together, it always felt good.
“You’re a good man, Ethic. You are worth more than the mistakes you’ve made. I love you with my whole heart, Mr. Okafor. I just want you to be happy.”
She’s your happiness. She loves you.”
“Love typically is, but she was devastated to find me here. I know she felt my energy because I felt hers. We are two women who have had the privilege of being loved by you. You’ve been inside me. Inside her. Those are roots no woman could ever pull and ones we recognize in each other. She and I have soul ties with you, which inadvertently connects us to one another. My presence made her sick, Ethic. I could see it in her eyes. A woman who doesn’t want a man doesn’t give off those types of vibes. She doesn’t show up and play in a pool with a man’s kids. I don’t know much, I don’t even know
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“I ain’t going anywhere. I’m right here, always a phone call away if you ever really need me. You know that.”
“You’re a good enough friend to keep that promise and I’m a good enough friend to never abuse your loyalty.
He took extra care in tucking the baby in his car seat. He stared at the little guy long and hard, and then planted a kiss on his forehead. Something in him stirred. Something paternal. Something innate. He turned to YaYa. “And you’re sure? He’s not mine?” There was emotion glistening in her eyes.
YaYa wrapped her arms around his neck and he pulled her in, closing her in his embrace. He felt her body shudder and heard the makings of a sob. He held her tighter. “God, Ethic, I love you so much.” “YaYa, don’t do this to me, ma.” His tone was guttural… piteous. They had been here before. Their goodbyes were never easy… always weighted because Ethic would always love her too. In another world, some alternate universe, she would be his wife. Not this one, though. In this one, she was meant to pass through his life briefly and give him an experience that was full of passion, but not
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She felt bad for women who had never experienced an Ezra Okafor before. The Ethic effect was amazing, and something no other man could ever make her feel. He was a gift and she was so grateful to have been on the receiving end of his love - once upon a time.
“The only reason I’m able to love that woman in there is because you showed me that my heart worked, after losing Raven. I’m able to love her because I loved you first, YaYa. Thank you.”
had pussy on ice for Ethic whenever he wanted to come get it.
Alani was an unstable creature. Beautiful and dangerous.
“I’m going to offer an explanation because I care about what you think, but one isn’t owed, Lenika. You don’t want me. She does. She always will, but she can’t have me because now I want you, but I fucked that up. You can’t turn me away then get upset because the next woman won’t. When I’m with you, I’m with you, but I’m not with you. You won’t give me you.”
“Fuck options. Fuck the bullshit. Fuck her. She’s not a threat. She’s a friend that I kept time with, briefly, before you. I want you. Now, what you gon’ do with that information? I want to eat your pussy on top of this countertop and move your things in, in the morning. You ready? What’s up? Because you can’t say no to those things but demand answers when you see me with another woman.”
If you’re my woman, put that shit right here in front of me. Let me put my face in it whenever I want. Let me have you whenever I need because I’m in need. Of you. Not her. Ask away! Then, let’s quit bullshitting and go upstairs so I can climb inside you, ma, because I’m dying to get inside you. Damn, you don’t even know.”
“You’re good. You’re something. With your dick print and your dirty mouth and your…all this!” He had her bothered, as she pointed out the brilliance that was Ethic.
“I told you that I slap hoes like her. Mop they asses right on up for sitting in my face, trying to be cute. With those fake-ass contacts in her eyes and those gaudy
She was a black woman and they were the most vicious with their tongues. Their words were weapons that they used to protect themselves when black men failed to do so. They were so deadly because they were dipped in the resentment of abandonment. Fathers who left, boyfriends who cheated, husbands who broke vows, sons who disappointed, it all contributed to the generations worth of black women who shot those deadly words at black men. Black men had failed to protect black women and all they had were slick comments full of disrespect to respond with.
“Taking a bullet wasn’t enough, so what else I need to do to show you that I’m sorry?” he asked. “I killed a kid. Not just any kid either because that alone would not have eaten away at me as a man…as a father.” His voice was full of anger, contempt, and sarcasm, as he barked the words down her throat. He wasn’t angry at her. He was angry at himself for moving recklessly, but her comment had caused him to project his frustrations.
“I killed the child of the woman I love and because of that she will never love me back.”
I see the six freckles that dotted her button nose. I see the blood that came through her missing front teeth, as she tried to breathe in my arms. Her eyes had auburn specks in them and they were so wide that night. She was afraid of me. She looked at me the same way you look at me now. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t ‘un-pull’ the trigger. I’m a father. You don’t think I feel that shit? Why do you think Love died inside you? That wasn’t your fault, that was all me. That was karma.”
“He loves you,” Morgan said, stubbornly. “I don’t see how or why, after what you did. After what your brother did…” Morgan’s words caught in her throat, as she shuffled on her feet and blinked away tears. “You’re nothing like my sister, you know?” Morgan’s tears were falling now, but she rubbed them away with her palms, sniffling. “He was so in love with her and we lost her that day…at the park…there were so many gun shots…my sister bled out in his arms…”
“I don’t want him to love you like he loved her. If he loves you like that, he’ll forget her. He’ll forget that I’m family and I was here first. He’s all I have…he’s my dad,” Morgan’s voice quivered. “What is a father supposed to do when…your brother…he…” Morgan choked, again, as she looked down. Her hands fumbled as they went inside her Gucci cross body. “I know he killed your daughter, but he was only protecting his…I have something you need to see.”
“Ethic would never hurt an innocent child. Your brother deserved everything he got. Your daughter was an accident,” Morgan whispered. “I just thought you should know.”
There were so many secrets he was keeping. They were from two, different walks of life; two, different sides of a familial war and she didn’t even know it. Nobody knew it, but he did, and he was a snake for even working his way into her heart. There were things about him that she would never understand. He would lose her one day because of that, but he wanted to enjoy her in the moment. He wanted to be loved by her because a woman had never done so before. The thought of the day he had to let her go haunted him daily; and right now, it was eating through his consciousness, causing something
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“When I hurt you,” he continued, like it was a certainty. “Remember I loved you first. Remember I tried. I’m trying so hard to keep shit separate that it’s killing me, shorty.” He hung his head so disgracefully that Morgan gasped.
