The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being

by Simone Davies

Remember, we want our homes to be “yes” spaces that are safe for our toddlers to explore. When we find ourselves saying “no”—for example, when our child is touching something dangerous or banging on glass—we can look for ways to set up the space to remove the temptation.

This small self-care area is simple and attractive. Here the child can blow their nose, wipe their face, or brush their hair. A low stool holds two baskets, one with tissues and the other with a hairbrush. A small basket underneath is for dirty tissues. The mirror hung vertically allows the child to see their full body and is perfect for a quick check as they leave the house.

We can also trust them to learn the limits of their bodies for themselves. Toddlers are curious learners who want to explore the world around them. There may be accidents along the way that we cannot prevent (and maybe that we should allow to happen). After all, that is how they learn. And we will be there if they want to be held. “Ow. Was that a shock? It’s hard to see you hurt yourself. I’m so glad your body is made to heal itself. Isn’t it amazing?”

Allow time to explore. Allow time for movement. Allow time for language and conversation. Allow time for building connections. Allow time for wonder and curiosity.

seven principles to help them become curious human beings. 1. Follow the child—let them lead. 2. Encourage hands-on learning—let them explore. 3. Include the child in daily life—let them be included. 4. Go slow—let them set their own pace. 5. Help me to help myself—let them be independent and responsible. 6. Encourage creativity—let them wonder. 7. Observe—let them show us.

Let me be clear. Following the child is not permissiveness, allowing them to do whatever they like. We will set limits when needed, ensuring the safety and care of themselves, their environment, and others. But it is not being directive either. When we hear ourselves giving commands, giving lessons, or giving too much information, may we remember, Ah, yes. How can I find a way to step back and let them lead?

When they start to ask questions, instead of simply giving them the answer, we can say, “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.” Then we might be able to do a small experiment or explore together, like getting out a magnifying glass to let them take a closer look. Or, we may visit the zoo, go to the library to find some books, or ask a neighbor who knows more about the topic. Our toddlers are learning that if they don’t know something, they can be resourceful and find it out, often in a hands-on, concrete way.

Toddlers are curious about what we are up to. They want to be a significant member of the family. They are not just trying to drive us crazy by clinging to our leg.

Rather than thinking, I have to do the laundry, we can think of it as an activity to do together. I remember when my son was a toddler, I would hold him up so he could reach the buttons for the washing machine. He would often help me unload the items and then play around with the clothespins as I hung up the clothes.

Having young children involved does mean that it’s messier and slower. But we are making connections and memories that will last a lifetime. Those of us struggling with fitting this into our days and weeks with work and life commitments can start with moments when we do have time. This might mean setting aside an hour or two each weekend when you stay home and do laundry together, or a baking project, or care for the plants and garden. Recognize that on weekdays, we may not have the time or patience to let our children help cook, but they can be involved in setting the table, pouring their own drink at dinner, and taking their plate to the counter after the meal. We can start with the things we enjoy the most and would love to do with our children.

Stop and look at the cracks on the pavement together, and enjoy the process rather than the product. Going slowly gives our child time to explore and be curious. And we would do well to learn from them. They remind us to slow down and be present. We can let go of making mental checklists and worrying about the past or future, too.

When we allow enough time in our daily routine, we can help children help themselves.

If we start to feel frustrated when it is taking too long, rather than getting irritated, we can acknowledge that this time we are going to help them, and try again tomorrow.

Mistakes are simply opportunities to learn. Our children will make mistakes, break and spill things, and even hurt someone sometimes. Or when they offer to help, they may not do the task as well as we would have done it ourselves. Instead of punishing, lecturing, or correcting them, try this: 1. If they get the name of something wrong, we can make a mental note that they don’t know it yet. We can teach it again at another (neutral) time. They will be more open to learning it later than they will if we correct them. In Montessori we have a phrase for this: “Teach by teaching, not by correcting.” 2. If they break or spill things, we can have supplies at the ready for them to help clean it up. 3. We can support them while they make it up to someone they have hurt. 4. We can model not taking ourselves too seriously when we make mistakes and show them that we apologize. “I’m sorry. What I should have said is . . .” or “What I should have done is . .

Rather than rushing in to help our toddler, we wait to see how much they can manage themselves. If they are stuck or the task is difficult or new, we can offer help. “Would you like me or someone else to help you do that?” “Would you like to see how I do it?” “Have you tried . . . ?” Then we help only if they want it.

“Are you trying to tell me . . . ?” is a useful phrase for translating the toddler’s needs into words. When they throw their food on the floor, we can say, “Are you trying to tell me you’re all finished?” We can also use this for an older child who is calling people names or acting inappropriately. “It sounds like you are pretty angry right now. Are you trying to say you don’t like it when they touch your things?”

Allow all feelings, but not all behavior

When we threaten a child with punishment like a time-out, we begin to erode the trust between parent and child. Two things can happen. They can become scared of the adult and cooperate out of fear, or they find a way to do what they want sneakily, without their parent finding out. Similarly, threats and bribes may get the child to cooperate, but not because the child wants to help us. They simply want to avoid the negative consequences (punishment) or take advantage of the positive ones (rewards). Threats and bribes may need to get bigger and more elaborate as the child grows. If they have learned to do something only so they’ll get a sticker, the “price” of their cooperation will rise.

I like to start by finding a way to work with the child so they feel like they have some control over the situation. Even though they are small, toddlers want to be involved in how things happen. The child is not in charge, but they can have input into how to solve problems. We can ask, “How can we solve the problem?” and then come up with solutions together.

One way to solve problems with toddlers is to make a simple checklist with them (especially one with pictures).

Rather than issuing commands—“Put the orange peel in the bin, please”—we can give information instead: “The orange peel goes in the bin.” Then they can figure out for themselves that they need to take it to the bin. It becomes something they choose to do rather than another order from the adult.

At the playground, we could say, “We have five minutes before we leave the playground. What would you like to have one last turn on?”

Use positive language Instead of telling a child what not to do, we can tell them with positive language what they can do instead. Rather than, “No running” (what they should not do), we can say, “We walk inside” (what we would like them to do). Instead of, “No, don’t climb,” we can say, “You can keep your feet on the floor or you can go outside to climb.” If we tell our toddler, “Stop yelling!” we may also be raising our voice. First, they will mirror us and shout back; second, they will hear precisely what we don’t want them to do. Instead we could say (perhaps in a whisper), “Let’s use our quiet voices.”

Our tone of voice is a way to show our toddlers that we respect them.

At the supermarket, we can get them to help by making a visual shopping list, which they can be in charge of (we can cut out pictures from a food magazine together or draw simple pictures); let them take the items off the shelf; or put them on the conveyer belt at the register.

Sometimes when I’ve been helping a child get dressed and they are resisting, I pretend to put their shoe on my foot. The child laughs and tells me, “No, Simone, it goes on my foot.” And they put it on.

Humor is particularly useful when we are on the verge of losing our temper. Something as simple as singing a silly song can relieve some tension for us and coax a smile from them. It’s a simple way to start fresh.

During the “no” phase, we may want to adjust our language to tell them what is happening, rather than asking them. We might say, “It’s time to eat/have a bath/leave the park.” This can still be done with respect, using a gentle voice and kind words, but as their leader.

Examples of ground/house rules • We are kind to each other. This means that even if we disagree, we will not hurt each other physically or tease each other; it teaches children to respect themselves and each other. • We sit at the (dining) table to eat. This is a practical rule that prevents food from going everywhere in the house. It also reminds people that eating is a social occasion and that we don’t play and eat at the same time. • We contribute to the household. No matter what our age, we help around the house, and our help is valued. • We engage in rough play by mutual consent. This is a mouthful for young children, but they understand its meaning. If someone says “Stop,” they are saying that they are not having fun anymore and the game needs to stop.

find a logical consequence. Let’s say they are throwing the ball inside, and we have asked them to stop. A logical consequence would be for us to put the ball away and let our child try again later.

Let them release the full range of emotions. Allow even ugly feelings. Show them we are able to love them at their worst. Once they are calm, we’ll be able to help them make amends if needed.

We are saying it’s okay for them to melt down. Rather than trying to get the tantrum to stop as soon as possible, allow them to express all their feelings safely until they are calm, and show that we are there to help if they need us. And, once they are calm, we can help them make amends if needed. That’s it. It may happen in the street, in the supermarket, in the park. That’s okay. Move them out of the way (if you can). Give them the time they need to calm down. We try to stay calm as well and refrain from trying to speed it up or distract them. Let them get it out.

Ignoring the tantrum directs our child’s feelings at us instead of at the problem that upset them. It creates a conflict just when they need connection.

Dealing with tantrums UNDERSTAND TRIGGERS AND AVOID THEM IF POSSIBLE • Frustration • Anger or rage when things don’t go their way • Wanting to be in control • Trouble communicating as their language may still be limited HELP YOUR CHILD CALM DOWN • Offer a cuddle—rub their back, hold them, sing to them as they go through the range of emotions, from anger to intense frustration to sadness and sometimes regret. • If they push you away, make sure they are safe and not harming themselves, something, or someone. Stand nearby and keep offering help. “I’m here if you need some help calming down. Or we can have a cuddle when you are ready.” • If they are throwing toys at their sibling or trying to hit you, remove them so that everyone is safe. “I can’t let you hit me. My safety is important to me. Would you like to hit these pillows instead?” OLDER CHILDREN • For a child over 3 years old, you can set up a “calm place” to use when they are upset, such as a tent with pillows and their favorite things or a corner with some trains. • You can ask them if they would like to go to their calm place. If they come back still in a rage, we can gently tell them that they look like they still need to calm down and can come back when they are ready. MAKING AMENDS—DON’T SKIP THIS STEP Once they are calm, I help them make amends. For example, if they drew on the walls, they can help clean up; if they broke their brother’s toy, they can help to fix it. In this way, they learn to take responsibility...

Once our child has calmed down, we can help them make amends. This teaches them to take responsibility for their actions and is a very important step. Restorative justice (“How can we make this better?”) is preferable to punishment (taking something away). Yes, accept all their feelings (even the ugly ones) and help them calm down. Then once they are calm, we help them take responsibility for their behavior.

When visitors are coming over, we can ask our children if there are any toys they would like to put away in a cupboard. Then we can check that they are happy for the visitors to play with everything else. We are helping them prepare themselves and have a say in what their friends can play with.

My children’s first Montessori teacher told the children that if she was in the middle of giving a lesson to another child and they had something they needed to tell her, they should put their hand on her shoulder. This would tell her that they had something important to say. Then, as soon as there was an appropriate place to pause in the lesson, she would stop and see what the child needed. This principle can be used in the home, too. If we are on a phone call or talking to someone and our toddler has something to say, we can tap our shoulder to remind them to put their hand there. They place their hand there, and as soon as we can, we ask them what they wanted to say.

Tips for building concentration 1. Try to avoid interrupting Sometimes we comment too much on what the child is doing. We name the puzzle pieces, the colors, and so on. Trust the child. Remain silent when they are working on something. Respond if they look to us.

Watch what they repeat Are they opening and closing drawers? Taking objects in and out of baskets? Sorting clothing? Picking up small objects? Collecting rocks? Cleaning the floor? Preparing food? This repetition shows us what they are interested in. Allow this repetition. Ask them if they would like to repeat it when they have finished. Provide similar opportunities with increasing difficulty.

Less is more Have only a few activities available. Anything that is too easy or too difficult can be put into a storage box and rotated onto the shelves at another time. We will see that children can focus more easily when there is less available. And we can see clearly which activities are no longer being used or which are being thrown—a good sign that we can put them away and bring out another choice.

Help as much as is needed and as little as necessary If we observe that our child is having difficulty, we can wait to see if they can manage themselves. When they are about to give up, we can step in to just give a little bit of help, then step back to see how they get on.

Have a work area A floor mat or small table can help a child focus on the activity they have chosen. When they select an activity, there is a small moment when we could help them take it to the mat or table. However, if they are already working at the shelf, I would not interrupt their concentration.

The child’s struggle is important. The child will enjoy mastering activities that are hard enough to provide a challenge, but not so difficult that they’ll give up easily. We can wait until they are about to give up and, as before, step in to give a small amount of assistance before stepping back again.

Types of help we can give our child: • Showing them. “Would you like me to show you?” “Would you like a little help?” Then we could show them slowly (without words) how to, for example, turn a puzzle piece around until it fits.

Include them in daily life. We will find that with age, they will start to play more independently, but in the meantime, we can enjoy that they want to spend time with us. • Use a stepladder so they can help in the kitchen. • Let them press the buttons on the washing machine. • Give them the socks to make into pairs while we do laundry, and so on. • Our child may say “Mommy do it”—give a little help and step back to see if they can manage the rest themselves. Stay close at first so they still feel safe and secure.

Understand our child • See things from our child’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings. Instead of saying, “Don’t worry, it will be okay,” we can provide understanding: “Are you feeling scared about this?” This doesn’t mean we have to solve the problem; it just lets them know we understand. • Fill their emotional bucket. Starting the day with a long cuddle and reading books can fill our child’s emotional tank before the day gets busy. And when they start to get whiny, rather than looking for more space, we can offer them a cuddle to help them rebalance. • Our child’s “love language” may be touch or spending time together. This child will enjoy a lot of contact with us to feel loved. (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more on this.) • An introverted child may find groups overwhelming. They may need to stay with us at first, or we may want to make our visit shorter to accommodate our child’s needs.

remove our judgment of the situation, which stops us from being triggered by our child’s behavior, and allows us to respond rather than react. (Instead of “They are always dropping their bowl on the floor,” we observe, “The bowl dropped onto the floor.”)

really see our child objectively with fresh eyes • be more present and notice more details about our child and the world around us • connect with our child as we see things from their perspective and gain a greater understanding of them

We speed through our days, often worried we’ll miss out on something. Yet, I know how much more I get out of every day when I slow down and use all my senses: smell the rain in the air before a storm, feel the wind on my cheeks as I cycle through the city, taste and enjoy every bite of food rather than eating on the run, and so on.

is ideal to go slowly most of the time so when we do need to hurry, our children will be more accommodating.