Someday, Someday

by Emma Scott

I was a character in the play of my life. A life that was nothing more than an endless string of days pretending, lying, burying truths and feelings until I was more stone and steel than hot, beating blood.

“I’m just saying we don’t know each other very well. Or. . . at all.” “Right,” he said flatly, nodding at the Uber app. “It would be totally reckless and crazy to get into a complete stranger’s car.”

Silas Marsh walked straight into that room like the answer to a question I hadn’t known I’d been asking.

“What’s this about a crisis? Are you okay? Boy trouble?” “No, not really. Sort of. Yes.”

Between September 1st through March 1st, at the age of seventeen years and three months, Silas Alexander Marsh was sent away for sexual and disciplinary reprogramming.”

“Situated in the southeastern quadrant of the U.S. state of Alaska, Chisana was settled in 1920 at the shores of Copper Lake. Abandoned as of 1977, its current population is zero. It is, in common parlance, a ghost town.”

“Followed by a brief stint in the hospital afterward for exhaustion, malnutrition, frostbite, pneumonia, and attempted self-harm.”

“You’re a real boy, Maximilian. Not a puppet. Someday, I hope to be a real boy, too. Someday. . .”

Thank you. For everything. CU Tues.

Good thing you're not seeing her next Tuesday

Hello, Mr. Marsh, how are you feeling? My tongue was in your son’s mouth a few minutes ago.

I should’ve let go of his hand. It felt like a betrayal to Silas not to. It felt like betraying myself. But at that moment, he was the only father around, holding my hand.

Max Y? Another pause. Then. . . It was a date.

The irony of texting the guy I wanted from inside the same fucking house—and in a closet no less—was not lost on me, but there I was.

Someday isn’t a day of the week. It doesn’t come around automatically. You gotta go out there and get it.”

“You’re doing that on purpose.” “Doing what?” “Looking like. . . how you look.” He laughed. “What poetry, Maximilian. You’re gonna make a guy blush.”

I felt like the sixteen-year-old me again, sneaking around my parents’ house. And if I got caught. . . They’ll kick me out of here too.

You never know if some asshole is going to make a comment or if a mom is going to shoot you a dirty look for existing in front of her kids.” Silas’s face twisted. “That happens a lot?” I shrugged. “How much is a lot? Once is too many.”

Once is too many.

I vowed to end the next person who tried to hurt him. I should’ve known that person would be me.

Apathy, I learned, was like a ravenous animal. The more you fed it, the hungrier it got. The less I did, the less I felt like doing.

“I’m afraid, Silas, we’re going to have to send you back.” My head whipped up, my heart stammered in my chest, and terror skimmed along every nerve. “What did you say?” My father pursed his lips. “I said, I’m afraid we’re going to have to have a chat.”

“I was kicked out of my house by my father for being gay. Seven years later, I’m being kicked out of this house by your father for being gay. He can’t say that’s why. I can’t say that’s why, but it is. The fucking circle of life.” I’m right back where I started. . .

“I just have to wait a little longer. Wait for him. Wait for you. I’ve been waiting for seven years.”

“You want to keep me stashed in your apartment, ducking into the next room when the bell rings? Midnight hook-ups? More street corner blowjobs? I’m not your pressure valve. I don’t exist so you can express your homosexuality whenever you feel the need and then return to your life without me.”

“When I was sick with pneumonia six months ago—” “You had a cold.” “—you only bought me flowers. No gifts.” “I bought you an apartment.”

“My brother cannot marry Miss Benson,” he stated. An official announcement of unassailable fact. “Why the hell not?” Tell them, Eddie, I thought. Tell them all why not. “Because, dear father,” Eddie said. “Silas is in love with Mr. Kaufman.”

I glanced down at her. She smiled up at me. “That’s my cue,” she said. “Goodnight, Silas.” “Goodnight, Faith. Thank you. For everything.” “Lunch, sometime?” I had to laugh. Even then. In that chaos. “Absolutely.” “Call me.” She kissed her fingertip and touched it to the cleft in my chin. “I’m buying.”

Love Faith

“He’s right,” I said. “I’m in love with him.” My Max. All the color in my life. . . “I’m in love with Max, and this party is over.”

I would’ve fallen to my knees to get your blessing, as warped and twisted as that is. But now?” I shrugged. “My only regret is that I wasted so many years trying to get something that I never needed in the first place.”

I’d rather be shit-poor and happy with the man I love than rich and miserable and drowning in lies.”

I’m completely fucking out of my mind in love with Max. And nothing that was done to me in Alaska could change that. Nothing ever could.”

“Sorry I’m late,” said a deep voice. “I couldn’t remember the name of the restaurant. But anyway, hi, I’m Silas Marsh.”

<3

Because hate has to be taught. You’re not born with it.

“Is that Chinese place by your apartment open?” “You mean our apartment? Yes.” “Then let’s go. We’ll talk about living-situation pronouns later.” “Sure, we can talk about it. Right after you get your shit moved in.”

We met at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I was telling the group how I sold myself for drug money and he shared how he’d used pain pills to cope with PTSD from conversion therapy. Classic American love story.

“I can’t take any credit for who you turned out to be, Max,” Dad said. “None. But I wish I could. More than anything.” He inhaled sharply. “I’m proud of you, son. I’m proud that you are my son. And I’m really glad you came.”

we can’t proceed one second more with this relationship until you watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

“Anyway,” Max said, coughing. “Yes, I need your lawyering expertise. I need you to draw up a prenup. Silas only wants me for my money.” “Fair,” I said. “Max only wants me for my body.” “That’s one hundred percent true.”

I hope you don’t mind but speaking in front of large groups isn’t my thing.” “Oh really?” I said. “You didn’t seem to have a problem talking in front of large groups at a certain Halloween party a few years back.”

“I’d like you to meet Carly. Carly is my girlfriend of approximately three weeks. And those have been the happiest three weeks of my life, given how she fills every minute with her beauty and wit and companionship.”

Eddie is one of the best characters ever written

“They caught Coach Braun.”

Oh my heart

“I had to tell them that my son tried to hurt himself because he didn’t want to be alive anymore.”

Forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving. It’s for yourself. To set the burden down and move on.

The only important thing is that he or she knows. . .” I nodded against his hair. “Yes, baby. . .” “No matter what.” “No matter what.” I heaved a shaking breath. No matter what, he or she will know we love them. Unconditionally. Our child, Max’s and mine, would never, ever be left out in the cold.

Oh god I am in tears