Dare to Lead

by Brené Brown

We have to find the courage to look back at the people who are looking at us for leadership and say, “This is difficult. There are no simple answers. There is pain and fear that would be easy to unload on others—but that would be unfair and out of our integrity. We will walk through this in a way that makes us feel proud. It will be hard, but we will do it together.”

When worthiness is a function of productivity, we lose the ability to pump the brakes:

The idea of doing something that doesn’t add to the bottom line provokes stress and anxiety.

lack of downtime, this lack of play, has a deleterious effect on our output in the office.

leaders need to model appropriate boundaries by shutting off email at a reasonable time and focusing on themselves and their family.

Do not celebrate people who work through the weekend, who brag that they were tethered to their computers over Christmas break.

“The opposite of play is not work—the opposite of play is depression.”19

Daring leaders fight for the inclusion of all people, opinions, and perspectives because that makes us all better and stronger.

That means having the courage to acknowledge our own privilege, and staying open to learning about our biases and blind spots.

once we transition into management or leadership roles, winning medals and stockpiling ribbons is no longer the goal, and it can be counterproductive to effective leadership.

Rewarding others rather than seeking to be rewarded is the only way to continue to grow within an organization, and to fully embody the mantle of daring leadership.

We also have to invest time attending to our own fears, feelings, and history or we’ll find ourselves managing our own unproductive behaviors.

the very best example of vulnerability is saying “I love you” first.

unwanted identities are characteristics that undermine our vision of our ideal selves.

shame is the fear of disconnection.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.

Current neuroscience research shows that the pain and feelings of rejection that shame inflicts are as real as physical pain.

Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad.

give people a “way out with dignity.”

Great leaders make tough “people decisions” and are tender in implementing them. That’s giving people a way out with dignity.

Empathy is not connecting to an experience, it’s connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.

If I share something with you that’s difficult for me, I’d rather you say, “I don’t even know what to say right now, I’m just so glad you told me.” Because in truth, a response can rarely make something better. Connection is what heals.

Empathy Skill #1: To see the world as others see it, or perspective taking

honor people’s perspectives as truth even when they’re different from ours.

Empathy Skill #2: To be nonjudgmental

Empathy Skill #3: To understand another person’s feelings

Empathy Skill #4: To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings

The vast majority of us find it easier to be mad than hurt.

To review, empathy is first: I take the perspective of another person, meaning I become the listener and the student, not the knower. Second: I stay out of judgment. And third and fourth: I try to understand what emotion they’re articulating and communicate my understanding of that emotion.

Empathy Miss #1: Sympathy vs. Empathy

Empathy is feeling with people.

Sympathy is feeling for them.

You can watch it at brenebrown.com/videos/.

When someone feels sorry for us, it magnifies our feelings of being alone. When someone feels with us, it magnifies our feeling of connection and normalcy.

Empathy Miss #2: The Gasp and Awe

Empathy Miss #3: The Mighty Fall

Empathy Miss #4: The Block and Tackle

Empathy Miss #5: The Boots and Shovel

Empathy Miss #6: If You Think That’s Bad …

empathy is the most powerful connecting and trust-building tool that we have, and it’s the antidote to shame.

“When in shame, I don’t talk, text, or type—I’m not fit for human consumption”

Instead of designing for recall or behavior change, we risk designing for popularity.

“If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend fifty-five minutes thinking about the problem and five minutes thinking about solutions.”4

“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”

“Wait. I’m confused. What problem are we trying to solve?” Ninety percent of the time we’ll realize that we’re not on the same page because we skipped the problem identification process and set a meeting intention of finding a solution to a problem that we had yet to define.

curiosity is the feeling of deprivation we experience when we identify and focus on a gap in our knowledge.

“To induce curiosity about a particular topic, it may be necessary to ‘prime the pump’”—to use intriguing information to get folks interested so they become more curious.7

The most crucial component to unlock and the biggest driver of success turned out to be transforming the organizational culture. What was once an entrepreneurial, fast-moving, and empowering culture had over the course of several years of struggling performance become hierarchal, siloed, political, and filled with fear.

To turn the brand around, our main job was to build a culture of trust.

A value is a way of being or believing that we hold most important.