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Dr. Kristin Neff of the University of Texas at Austin, mentioned earlier in this section, runs the Self-Compassion Research Lab and is the author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.11 She writes about the three elements that make up the practice: self-kindness, humanity, and mindfulness. You’ll remember mindfulness
Neff’s definition of self-kindness is contained and self-explanatory: “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.”
Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you love.
empathy is the most powerful connecting and trust-building tool that we have, and it’s the antidote to shame.
Oh, man. I feel you. I know that feeling and it sucks. Me too. I see you. You’re not alone. I’ve been in a similar place and it’s really hard. I think a lot of us experience that. Either we’re all normal or we’re all weird. Either way, it’s not just you. I understand what that’s like.
I know that feeling
Players set an empty glass soda bottle on its side and practice stroking their cue stick into the neck of the bottle without moving the bottle.
Fundamental skill of leaders
In tough conversations, hard meetings, and emotionally charged decision making, leaders need the grounded confidence to stay tethered to their values, respond rather than react emotionally, and operate from self-awareness, not self-protection. Having the rumbling skills to hold the tension and discomfort allows us to give care and attention to others, stay open and curious, and meet the challenges.
when leaders don’t have the skills to lean into vulnerability, they’re not able to successfully hold the tension of the paradoxes that are inherent in entrepreneurship.
paradoxes that elicit vulnerability in leaders align with what we heard from the research participants: Optimism and paranoia Letting chaos reign (the act of building) and reining in chaos (the act of scaling) Big heart and tough decision making
Humility and fierce resolve Velocity and quality when building new things Left brain and right brain Simplicity and choice Thinking global, acting local Ambition and attention to detail Thinking big but starting small Short-term and long-term M...
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Dheeraj told me, “Leaders must learn the skills to hold these tensions and get adept at balancing on the ‘tightrope’ of life. Ultimately, leadership is the ability to thriv...
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the brain needs to feel some discomfort when it’s learning. Your mind might hurt for a while—but that’s a good thing.
Learning how to rumble with vulnerability is work. And vulnerability never becomes comfortable, but practicing means that when vulnerability is washing over us, we can hear grounded confidence whisper in our ear, “This is hard and awkward, and uncomfortable. You may not know how it’s going to turn out, but you are strong and you have practiced what it takes to create and hold the space for this.”
Grounded Confidence = Rumble Skills + Curio...
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But curiosity is uncomfortable because it involves uncertainty and vulnerability.
We’re scared to have hard conversations because we can’t control the path or outcome, and we start coming out of our skin when we don’t get to resolution fast enough.
“If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend fifty-five minutes thinking about the problem and five minutes thinking about solutions.
The knower in us (our ego) either races to beat everyone in the room with an answer that may or may not address the real issues, or thinks: I don’t want to talk about this because I’m not sure how it’s going to go or how people are going to react.
Curiosity says: No worries. I love a wild ride. I’m up for wherever this goes. And I’m in for however long it takes to get to the heart of the problem. I don’t have to know the answers or say the right thing, I just have to keep listening and keep questioning.
rumble starters and questions that we use: The story I make up … (This is by far one of the most powerful rumble tools in the free world. It’s changed every facet of my life. We’ll walk through it in the part “Learning to Rise.”) I’m curious about … Tell me more. That’s not my experience (instead of “You’re wrong about her, him, them, it, this …”). I’m wondering … Help me understand … Walk me through … We’re both dug in. Tell me about your passion around this. Tell me why this doesn’t fit/work for you.
I’m working from these assumptions—what about you? What problem ar...
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Sometimes the best rumbles start with a thirty-minute fact-finding conversation and an agreement to circle back in a few hours or the next day
curiosity is the feeling of deprivation we experience when we identify and focus on a gap in our knowledge.
old saying that I lead by now: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
one way to help people understand how much you care is to share your story.
list of values
My two core values are where all of the “second tier” circled values are tested.
My two central values are faith and courage. I hated not circling “family.” But as I dug in, I realized that while my family is the most important thing in my life, my commitment to them is fueled by my faith and my courage.
Our values should be so crystallized in our minds, so infallible, so precise and clear and unassailable, that they don’t feel like a choice—they are simply a definition of who we are in our lives.
integrity—choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and it’s practicing your values, not just professing them.
take the time to translate values from ideals to behaviors—
second step of the Living into Our Values process, we need to define three or four behaviors that support our values and three or four “slippery behaviors”—actions we find ourselves tempted to do even though they are counter to our values.
“Spirituality is the deep human longing to experience the transcendent in our ordinary life—it’s the expectation to experience the extraordinary in the ordinary, the miraculous in the mundane, and the sacred camouflaged in the profane.”
know I’m in my values when a decision is somewhere between tough and really tough.
engaged feedback checklist for Daring Greatly,
Often, this requires a shift in language from “You are wrong here” to “There’s something that needs to change.” It is a completely different physical, cognitive, emotional, and spiritual experience when someone is on your side and helping you through the hurdle rather than pointing out your participation in the problem.
we must lean into our grounded confidence: “Here’s what I’m seeing; here’s what I’m making up about what I see. I have a lot of questions. Can you help me understand?” Then dig in, take notes, and ask questions, followed by: “I need some time to think about this. Can we circle back tomorrow?
It takes two minutes to say “I know this is due at five o’clock, and the executive summary looks pitch perfect. The tables need some serious work, though. What does support look like?”
“One of your great strengths is attention to detail. You do sweat the small stuff and it makes a big difference in our team. As I look at this, I don’t see you applying that skill here, and we need it.”
It can be helpful to think through a conversation and make note of where it might get shaming. When you acknowledge your potential to go to that place, you’re in a safer mindset to avoid it.
I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than just criticizing them for their failings.
GETTING GOOD AT RECEIVING FEEDBACK
particularly when I’m sitting across from, or with, someone who does not have great feedback delivery skills, is “There’s something valuable here, there’s something valuable here. Take what works and leave the rest.”
It also takes practice to stay present and avoid being defensive. Achieving this is a huge success in and of itself because everything in you is likely wanting to shut down in a strategy of disconnection.
If we find ourselves in this position frequently, it is important that we work to develop behaviors and self-talk phrases that reposition how we show up so that we can lean into curiosity, ask questions, learn the other person’s perspective, and slow down the conversation.
The ultimate goal in receiving feedback: a skillful blend of listening, integrating feedback, and reflecting it back with accountability.
After years of trying to find a meaningful performance management system, we decided to strip it all away and do something radical and vulnerable. We put the employees in the driver’s seat,
Our goal was to create a culture of trust built through courageous feedback, where employees leaned into their vulnerability and sought out feedback from their colleagues one-on-one.
Today, what you will see at Miovision is a performance management program where employees share feedback with their colleagues on a continual basis; where nothing is anonymous, hard conversations are the norm, and this whole process is run by the employee, including how they want to integrate the feedback they receive.
