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I discovered that my unreasonable timelines were seldom driven by excitement or ambition. I drive these unattainable timelines for two reasons: (1) I’m feeling fear, scarcity, and anxiety
pushing timelines because I’m trying to sync up the timing on projects and deadlines that my team doesn’t even know about because I’ve failed to share.
predictable pattern of how we assemble our armor, piece by piece:
People think it’s a long walk from “I’m not enough” to “I’m better than them,” but it’s actually just standing still. In the exact same place. In fear. Assembling the armor.
Joseph Campbell’s quote, which I believe is one of the purest calls to courage for leaders: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”2 Campbell consulted with George Lucas on Star Wars, and there’s no question in my mind that my favorite scene is Lucas bringing this wisdom to life.
it. Permission slips aren’t promissory notes, they are for stating and writing down intentions only, so there are no repercussions if you fail to deliver;
had discovered that fear, anxiety, and scarcity were driving my unrealistic timelines,
We also have a new meeting minutes process. Everyone takes their own notes, but one person in the meeting volunteers to capture minutes.
everyone in the meeting is responsible for stopping to say “Let’s capture this in the minutes”—not just the minute taker. And we now stop meetings five minutes early to review and agree on the minutes before we leave.
Most often, we learn that we’re all working off different data and assumptions, or that we don’t fully understand the lift, or we don’t get the load certain people are already carrying. It’s a huge connection tool.
“Who didn’t make it out?” Stockdale replied, “Oh, that’s easy. The optimists.” Stockdale explained that the optimists would believe they’d be out by Christmas,
“When we’re lonely, we just feel lethargic. We don’t really want to do anything; we think we’re tired, and we just want to sleep.”
“So, if I were to ask you, instead of who’s tired, who’s lonely?
if I ask an airman ‘Are you lonely?’ I feel as if I am reaching them at a deeper level. I am letting them know in that moment, I am comfortable addressing the messy parts of life and I won’t shy away from their loneliness.
military document that’s talking about leadership with mercy, and kindness, and belonging, and love. Yes, the word love was in this military leadership manual.
Our most current manual on leadership uses phrases like tactical leadership, operational leadership, strategic leadership.
container-building.
Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.
And once we start peeling, we have to leave long pauses and empty space. I know the conversation is hard enough, but people need white space. Stop talking. Even if it’s awkward—which it will be the first fifteen times. And when they start talking (which they normally will), listen. Really listen.
I know this is a tough conversation. Being angry is okay. Yelling is not okay. I know we’re tired and stressed. This has been a long meeting. Being frustrated is okay. Interrupting people and rolling your eyes is not okay.
favorite rumble tools: the time-out. When rumbles become unproductive, call a time-out.
“I need time to think about what I’m hearing. Can we take an hour and circle back after lunch?
In the past, jobs were about muscles, now they’re about brains, but in the future they’ll be about the heart.1 —MINOUCHE SHAFIK, director, London School of Economics
living with an unarmored heart as wholeheartedness. In The Gifts of Imperfection, I define wholeheartedness as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.
wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave, and worthy of love and belonging.”
wholeheartedness is about integration. It’s integrating our thinking, feeling, and behavior.
the Latin root of the word integrate is integrare, “to make whole.”
many organizational cultures and leaders still subscribe to the myth that if we sever the heart (vulnerability and other emotions) from our work, we’ll be more productive, efficient, and (don’t forget) easier to manage. Or, at the very least, we’ll be less messy and less … well, human.
Disembodied
And when we become disembodied from our emotions to the point that we literally don’t recognize which physical feelings are connected to which emotional feelings,
Without our understanding or consent, emotions start driving our decision making and behavior while thinking is tied up in the trunk.
Vs Kurpatov
when the heart is open and free and we’re connected to our emotions and understand what they’re telling us,
Our ego will do almost anything to avoid or minimize the discomfort associated with feeling vulnerable or even being curious, because it’s too risky.
Jim Hollis describes the ego as “that thin wafer of consciousness floating on an iridescent ocean called the soul.”
He writes, “We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others.5 We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being.
As the gods intended, we are here to become more and more ourselves.”
because we will be part of the rise of daring leaders.
Table Armored leadership versus Daring leadership
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence.
Perfectionism is not the self-protection we think it is. It is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.
Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.
dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Prove.
Perfectionism is other-focused: What will people think?
Perfectionism is a function of shame.
We do that by numbing and taking the edge off the pain with whatever provides the quickest relief.
“Leave it to a bunch of drunks in recovery to unlock the secrets of life.” Among them:
HALT: Don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
one tangible thing I do to avoid numbing with food is keep a Polaroid picture of my walking shoes in the pantry. Am I actually hungry, or would a walk bring me more real comfort?
my secret nickname with one of our external partners was BB—not for my name, but for “Boundaries Brown.”
The most powerful example of integration—a practice that I wrote about in Braving the Wilderness and that I try to live by—is strong back, soft front, wild heart.
many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine.12 In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open …. How can we give and accept care with strong-back, soft-front compassion, moving past fear into a place of genuine tenderness?
