The Elephant of Surprise (Hap and Leonard #13)

by Joe R. Lansdale

“Okay. This plan of yours is going to be back to our usual elephant of surprise, I suppose?” “I don’t know how large an elephant it’s going to be, but if you mean half-assed but energetic, then yeah. But I got a little something in mind.”

It was a little like a mastiff trying to get his dick into a Chihuahua. It took patience, something I was short on at that moment.

I stood there for several long minutes watching that spot, but I didn’t see anything again, and now it was so dark if a bear were dancing in a top hat, I couldn’t have seen him. Though I would have liked to.

We had recently married after living together for years. There had been a couple of separations, a worry here and there about things the three of us had done in the name of justice, as if we had any right to deal out justice. But we had anyway. Leonard and Brett were fine with that. They slept well at night. They were pragmatic. Me, I was a wounded idealist with a liberal limp. I wanted justice, but I wanted hope, and I wanted to be the old me, the person I was before I had taken a life.

He had a look on his face like someone had borrowed his dick and forgotten to give it back.

“Piece of shit,” Leonard said. “Needed the money,” Alton said. “Piece of shit,” Leonard said again. Alton managed a smile. It seemed strange there on that pained face, or maybe he was past pain right then. Maybe it wasn’t a smile but a clenching of teeth. “Wish I hadn’t done it,” he said. “I bet,” Leonard said. “And just for the record, I ate your slice of that goddamn heavenly pie.”

“We just want the girl.” “Yeah,” Leonard said. “What we want is better insurance, some new clothes, and a trip to anywhere but here, but I don’t think that’s happening.” “Leonard,” said the voice. “That sounds practiced.” “A little. I like to have some quips on hand. Sometimes I say things over and over, I like them so much. Here’s one now: You’re an asshole.” “Alton said you two thought you were smart guys.”

Me and Leonard had been in plenty of tight spots, but we were braver when we were together. At least I was. Leonard probably did okay either way.

I think what was scaring me more than my own possible demise was that my brother Leonard might be killed. It had been close a few times, for both of us, but if something happened to him, no matter how much I loved Brett and my daughter, Chance, I had to wonder if I could make it. It would be worse than losing an arm. Family breathes for each other, and close family breathes as one.

I can’t describe why I can shoot like I can, but I’ve always had the knack. I learned early on how to shoot, but there was nothing classical about it. I didn’t really care for guns at all, but if you put one in my hand, it was like a natural extension. Where I pointed, I could quite often hit, and right then I was pointing at that shadow, and as my breath was eased and the trigger was pulled, I saw the top of the shadow, where the head was, become a black swarm like bees flying out from their hive.