Not Light, but Fire

by Matthew R. Kay

Here’s what the activity looks like: Once every few months, and before big holiday breaks, we dedicate twenty minutes to students’ giving each other high-grade compliments (see Figure 1.2). The first time any of my classes tries it, I describe the rationale that introduced this section, explaining how compliments benefit community building. I give concrete rules for complimenting, some of which I have students write on the board: 1. Proximity is important. I ask students to sit down across from the recipient, eye-to-eye. They may not stand over a seated classmate; their body language must communicate being equal and patient. I have them think about how, as younger children, they probably liked it when adults squatted down to their level to address them. Imagine a weary parent sitting in a daughter’s tiny chair for a tea party. At times, I mention my father, who, in his role as a deacon, often has to make hospital visits. He makes a point of never standing over someone, but always pulling up a chair and sitting as close to level as he can with his host. 2. Speak earnestly. A thoughtful compliment is strangely intimate, and to minimize this feeling, some students tend to fall back into the safety of teasing. For example, a student might say, “You always listen to me. Well, when you are not being a jerk.” In other settings, this would not be a problem—I assure students that teasing is my “love language.” During a high-grade compliment, however, the recipient may have made the...