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Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap. -T-shirt
If you drink a gallon of water a day, you’ll be too busy pissing to worry about other people’s problems. -Nutrition Fact
Me: I need to do a thing. Body: You did a thing yesterday. -Conleigh’s secret thoughts
I want you to know that someone cares. Not me, but someone. -Conleigh to Linc
Sometimes you run into people that change your life for the better. Those people are called bartenders. -Linc to Joe
I finally got eight hours of sleep. Sure, it took me three days to accomplish…but still. -Conleigh to Linc
Other people: gosh darn it. That hurt. Football players: motherfucking cocksucking asshole son of a douche, that fucking hurt. -Linc to Conleigh
Wait for someone that tells strangers about you. -Text from Conleigh to Linc
Why did I get the feeling that she was repeating “please don’t be formal” in her head while she waited for my reply? I grinned. “Formal.” She growled in frustration. “Linc,” she whined. “You know I don’t wear dresses.” I knew what I was about to say was a low blow, but it was a hundred percent true. “You wore a dress for Tyson McFuckface,” I countered, sounding hurt.
I need a double shot of whatever a toddler is on. -Conleigh to Linc
Brielle deftly climbed up the incline, not sliding once. Me, on the other hand? Yeah, with every step up I made, I slid down two more. Linc eventually took pity on me and came down to help me despite my assurances that I could probably, maybe, eventually get up on my own. Having him at my back, pushing me up by the ass, was definitely the highlight of my night.
I need to lose weight. I know how to lose weight, but losing weight means giving up cookies, and I’m not sure that I’m that committed yet. -Text from Conleigh to Linc
When we’d arrived, Conleigh had Hoax’s cut and was holding onto it like she was holding something sacred. The moment that Bayou got to her, she’d thrust it into his arms and had said, “He told me if I lost it or damaged it in any way, he’d kill me. I don’t think he was joking.”
Technically speaking, there is a lot of food in the house. Unfortunately, none of it is sweet or sounds good. Therefore, there is no food in the house. -Text from Conleigh to Linc
“Did you just wash your hair with the bar of soap?” I questioned. He looked up at me from where he was drying off his legs with a towel the size of my bed and nodded. “I usually use the shampoo and conditioner, but I think I heard my dad walk in and yell out my name and I don’t want him walking in here.” “Are you trying to hide me?” I asked, reaching for the shampoo. “No,” he said flatly. “But I am trying to prevent them from seeing you naked so…”
Linc placed his palm over my mouth. “Shhhh.” I licked his hand which only caused him to press his hand harder to my face. I continued to lick it until Steel sighed. “Seriously? We just found out that this prick is working with you, and you’re thinking that licking him is the best course of action right now? This is why I don’t think you’re mature enough to be together yet.” I flipped Steel off. “Go fuck yourself.” Except Linc’s hand was still covering my mouth, and it came out sounding more like gibberish. Which I suppose was a good thing. Steel would tell my mother what I’d said, and then I’d
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Dating Conleigh sometimes requires you to answer questions like ‘What’s the name of the guy that played in that movie from before I was born?’ -Linc to his father
That was just another example of why Joe was never going to grow up. I didn’t think it would ever be possible for him either, to be honest. He’d forever be a kid at heart, and kids were still fascinated with things like fart jokes and their wieners.
If you wear a condom, it’s not cheating. -Things you hear as a nurse
Don’t lie. You would touch all sorts of weird shit with a ten-foot pole. -Text from Linc to Conleigh
I’m so tired the bags under my eyes are bigger than my boobs. -Conleigh to Linc
Home is where those fuckers aren’t. -Conleigh to Linc
Sometimes I feel like I need a shot of whiskey for every single person I’m forced to talk to. -Text from Linc to Conleigh
Stop destroying the Earth. It’s where I get my tacos. -T-shirt
One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. The end. -Conleigh to Steel
She nodded, a smile on her face. “I do. You pay right there.” She paused. “What’s your name?” I gave it to her, and her mouth dropped open. “Oh!” she cried. “You don’t have to pay then. You have tickets that have been waiting for you at each home game for two years! I’ve always been wondering if I’d ever meet the infamous Conleigh Reins.” She quickly did something on the computer, and printed out tickets, before handing them to me. All the while I looked at her with bafflement. “Enjoy your game. Do you know where seat 36A is?”
I gracefully got back into my chair, but I did cover my lap with the towel he’d given me. It still had his sweat on it, and I swear, I only brought it to my face once and smelled it.
Telling her to calm down is child’s play. If you really want to see her eyes spit fire, tell her she’s acting like her mother. -Linc’s secret thoughts
“Not to break up this makeup lovefest or anything, but if you don’t want your life plastered in the gossip rags—along with a picture of your girl’s ass—I’d suggest you get into the locker room already.” I turned to find Joe standing there grinning like a loon. I felt my hands clench, and only then realized that both of them already had a tight hold on each perfect globe of Conleigh’s ass.
She patted me on the shoulder pad. “I can walk,” she informed me haughtily. I snorted. “And I can carry you.” She rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”
I pulled her into my arms. “I’ll quit football.” She smacked me on the upper back, causing my skin to sting. “You’re not quitting, fool. If you quit, who will I watch in their tight football pants?”
I didn’t know he was planning to breathe so loudly when I married him. -Conleigh to her mother
Are you fine being hugged while you pee? That’s a question you should ask yourself before having kids. -Conleigh to Linc
Before you do anything stupid this weekend, just remember it’s a 3 day weekend and the judge won’t be in until Tuesday. Just sayin’. -Wade’s secret thoughts
Don’t piss in your boot because you think it’s funny. -Things I never thought I would have to tell my kid not to do.
