The Power of Moments: Why Certain Moments Have Extraordinary Impact

by Chip Heath

Managing fear—the goal of exposure therapy—is a critical part of courage.

when people make advance mental commitments—if X happens, then I will do Y—they are substantially more likely to act in support of their goals than people who lack those mental plans.

often the trigger for the plan is as simple as a time and place: When I leave work today, I’m going to drive straight to the gym.

“Just as an athlete practices his or her moves to commit them to muscle memory, the point here is to make voicing our values the default position,” said Gentile.

A crucial feature of practicing courage, then, is making sure the practice requires courage!

Practice quiets the anxiety that can cloud our mind in a tough moment.

An act of courage can bolster the resolve of others.

One executive gave us an example of how he acts on this insight in his business. “When we have meetings, I typically have a ‘plant’ in the audience and give them a tough question to ask,” he said. “It’s always a question we know people are asking and talking about but afraid to actually bring to leadership. I do this to ‘pop the cork’ and show that it’s safe.” He’s right to be concerned about people staying silent: One study found that 85% of workers felt “unable to raise an issue or concern to their bosses even though they felt the issue was important.”

Note that they were brave even though they hadn’t practiced courage themselves. They’d only witnessed it.

The bad news here is that our natural instinct is to cave to the majority opinion.

The famous executive coach Marshall Goldsmith said that some of his clients do succeed in reforming their bad behavior—but no one notices! His clients had already imprinted themselves on their colleagues as jerks. So Goldsmith learned to press his clients to set up a meeting with their colleagues at which they would apologize for their behavior, promise to change, and ask their colleagues’ help to do so. Taking a cue from Goldsmith, Mark schedules a meeting where he does exactly that. That’s a defining moment—it marks a transition from the “old me” to the “new me.”

You can’t deliver a great patient experience without first delivering a great employee experience.

How do you design moments that knit groups together? Sharp’s leaders used three strategies: creating a synchronized moment, inviting shared struggle, and connecting to meaning.

Remote contact is perfectly suitable for day-to-day communication and collaboration. But a big moment needs to be shared in person.

(No one dials in to a wedding or graduation, after all.) The presence of others turns abstract ideas into social reality.

The researchers concluded that perceived pain increases “prosociality,” or voluntary behavior to benefit others. They argued that extreme rituals—and specifically the shared experience of pain—can be seen as “social technology to bind in-groups together.”

If you want to be part of a group that bonds like cement, take on a really demanding task that’s deeply meaningful. All of you will remember it for the rest of your lives.

In many organizations, our daily obligations—the emails, the meetings, the to-do lists—can numb us to the meaning of our work.

Great at Work: How Top Performers Work Less and Achieve More, University of California, Berkeley professor Morten Hansen

I have this book on Audible. It basically says do less and focus on the things that are important.

Purpose trumps passion.

purpose isn’t discovered, it’s cultivated.

finding ways to remind people of their purpose.

Our relationships are stronger when we perceive that our partners are responsive to us.

4. In the last seven days, have I received recognition or praise for good work? (Validation.) 5. Does my supervisor, or someone at work, seem to care about me as a person? (Caring.) 6. Is there someone at work who encourages my development? (Understanding. Caring.)

When you find yourself infuriated by poor service, for instance, chances are it’s because of a lack of responsiveness.

When responsiveness is coupled with openness, though, intimacy can develop quickly.

ROUND 1 Question 1: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Question 4: What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? Question 8: Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. ROUND 2 Question 13: If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know? Question 15: What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Question 21: What roles do love and affection play in your life? ROUND 3 Question 26: Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share . . .” Question 28: Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. Question 33: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

Art Aron’s 36 questions have become famous—there’s even an app you can download if you want to try them out with a partner. (It’s called “36 Questions.”)

Relationships don’t deepen naturally. In the absence of action, they will stall.

You cannot bring two teams together by simply talking about unity. They must experience unity. That’s what makes it a defining moment.

That’s how we imagine you using the ideas in this book. Target a specific moment and then challenge yourself: How can I elevate it? Spark insight? Boost the sense of connection? Life is full of “form letter in an envelope” moments, waiting to be transformed into something special.

A bit of attention and energy can transform an ordinary moment into an extraordinary one.

Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who served patients for the final weeks of their lives, wrote a moving article called “Regrets of the Dying.”

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. (“Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.”) 2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. 3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. (“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.”) 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. (“Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits.”)

They were not receiving a moment, they were seizing it.

And that’s the charge for all of us: to defy the forgettable flatness of everyday work and life by creating a few precious moments.

visit our website: http://www.thepowerofmoments.com

But parents who have lost a child know that the child is never far from mind. So making a comment like “Mark would have loved this vacation/football game/new car” is more likely to be received as thoughtful and warm rather than as reopening an old wound.