The Last Black Unicorn

by Tiffany Haddish

all my wins are lessons and all my failures are lessons that will one day become wins.

But Timbo couldn’t talk me into doing them. That man hadn’t wanted to dance at first, and I made him, and then I booty popped him . . . and now he’s dead! I just felt like a booty assassin.

They come to comedy shows to have fun. So when you’re onstage, you need to be having fun. If you’re having fun, they’re having fun. If you not having fun, they looking at you like ‘what the hell did I spend my money on?’ So you need to have fun.”

I guess maybe we gotta update what we tell kids—that old men sucking your titties is also molestation.