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December 25 - December 27, 2023
NEVER MENTION SAUSAGES.
NOT ONES ABOUT S...
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the British national dish, the Meal Deal (sandwich, fizz, crisps, bar).
of course, everyone claps in the shower.
All the gas inside dinosaurs comes out when you burn them and stays in the sky. And it’s this dirty dead dinosaur gas that’s to blame for climate change.
there is almost no dinosaurs left, except the ones in the middle of the Earth, and a few in Jurassic Parks.
WHAT ONE ITEM WOULD YOU SAVE IF YOUR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE? My house
Anything could have happened in the Dark Ages, but probably didn’t, or we’d have heard about it.
Democracy means that it doesn’t matter who you are, your vote matters exactly the same: not very much.
When you look at it, royal behaviour was a total shithouse, until eventually the people rose up and made King John sign something called Magma Carta.
But by 1605, parliament had become so annoying that it was nearly blown up by Guy Forks, inventor of the fork.
But the British Parliament survived, in one of the world’s most iconic buildings – the home of democracy: Hogwarts.
In the olden days, only men could vote, but one day a lady called Sufferer Jet was run over by a king on a horse, and to make up for this, women got the vote, and could at last decide which man should be in charge.
stripey piano-horses
The water was filthy, so everyone drank beer, and the only thing to eat was bread. It must have been a particularly challenging time for the gluten intolerant; but luckily nobody was middle class yet, so they just put up with it.
Probably the biggest experts are the Jehovah’s Witnesses, who have predicted the end of the world in 1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975, 1994 and 1997, so are getting really good at it.
take care – and take one last look at our beautiful world.
Poets were the first people to notice the environment. They were like an olden days version of hippies, but more annoying.
The first people on Earth were animals that lived in the sea, until one of them – we don’t know his name – invented legs.
If a fish can decide to have legs, why can’t it decide to have four extra faces or a propeller?
Facebook is a sort of pub in your computer,
In May 2010, Nigel Farridge fell out of the sky like a shit Thor. And the world changed.
When people change their minds, where does the old one go?
Do cows get embarrassed? Is it only humans who can get embarrassed? What emotions do we think carrots are capable of? Can you shame a parsnip?
the internet was invented, the best way of having arguments about important stuff like housing, roads and who’s racist.
Why has the word ‘governmental’ got the word ‘mental’ at the end? Is it a warning?
Gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Neutron and accident. He was sitting under an apple tree when an apple fell on his head. The blow to the head made him really clever and posh,
The Iron Age came about when primitive cave-boffins discovered new materials. Early man dropped rocks like a stone, and got into metal, bronze and then iron. Iron Man was born.
polluting the planet with saxophone solos and trumpet noises.
the trombone (which looks like a cross between a trumpet and a rocket launcher), the double bass (a violin for giants) and the piano (you know what a piano is, so I’m not looking that one up).
Jesus’s mother was Mary, a professional virgin,
Jesus proved he wasn’t mad by saying he was the son of God, could walk on water, and raise the dead.
After Jesus was killed by the Romans, he [SPOILERS] came back from the dead,
King Arthur was the greatest king of England that never existed.
lots of people tell lies for a living: magicians, actors, Donald Trump.
Donald Trump has a different definition of lying from most other people, just like he has a different definition of sexual assault, or thinking, or hair.
Light turns out to be made up of lots of different colours, like Smarties.
modern epidemics like allergicness to bread.
Thanks to the NHS, you can just walk into your doctor’s and get an appointment for any illness you’re expecting to have in about two weeks.
Can you fix people by turning them off and turning them on again?
Money makes the world go round, thanks to that slot at the North Pole.
Wolfgang Rock Me ‘Amadeus’ Mozart.
Newspapers are a sort of paper version of Twitter for your nan.
people in the news didn’t just type up what they were thinking and doing, journalists had to actually go out and find out what was going on themselves, usually by hacking people’s phone messages. It was a different world.
Without newspapers we would never have heard of Piers Morgan, Rupert Murdoch or Jeremy Clarkson, so it’s understandable that in the 21st century the average person no longer buys a daily paper, in an attempt to stop it happening again.
basic nightmare involves running out of crisps. This has all the elements: primal panic, the possibility of starvation and monsters.
Maybe a probe will discover pasta on Mars,
Pasta’s brilliant.
The Romans were so advanced they came with Latin pre-installed, like doctors or Boris Johnson. But unlike Boris Johnson they could speak in public, and use combs.
she led a barbarian army in revolt and attacked Colchester, turning it from the bustling capital into a smouldering hellhole full of weeping and despair which you can still visit today.
