Disgrace

by Brittainy C. Cherry

She squeezed my hand again and didn’t say another word. Though her comfort was enough. That was all I ever wanted from Mama—her comfort.

Scattered throughout the living room and dining room were bouquets of red roses. Seven to be exact.

I walked over to the roses sitting on the coffee table and grabbed the note attached to them. Instant tears fell from my eyes. Because there is no such thing as an “almost” mother. Seven bouquets from your seven angels. Happy Mother’s Day, Princess.

There was one bouquet from each child I’d lost. All of my babies. All of my loves.

“You’re my faith. You’re my hope. You’re my true religion. I’m a better man because you exist. I’m me because of you. And if you’d allow it, I’d love to spend the rest of my life worshipping your heartbeats.”

Because love—real love—didn’t mean always holding the same beliefs. It didn’t mean we had to see eye to eye on every subject. Yet what it did mean, what real love stood for was a mutual understanding. A respect for one another’s dreams and hopes and wishes and fears.

“Marry you?” “Yes. Marry me, Gracelyn Mae.”

“You look good, man,” Alex remarked, straightening out my tie. “But I’m gonna need you to stop sweating through your suit.”

“Look, Jackson…I know I’ve let you down over the years and I’m not good with words, but I want you to know that you are my world. I haven’t been a good man. I’ve made mistake after mistake, but the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, is you. I’m thankful each day that you became a better man than I could’ve ever been. I’m thankful that you hold within you the best parts of your mother and me. You are more than we could’ve ever wished for. I love you, son.”

“Oh, one more thing. Your mother had this thing that she did the week you were born. She wrote you letters for special occasions. She wrote you a letter that she, um, wanted to give to you on your wedding day. I mean, she wrote you other letters, too. For your sixteenth birthday, for your graduation, and crap, but I messed up and missed those occasions.”

“I look fat, don’t I?” I asked Judy. Then, I turned to Mama. “Do I look fat?”

“I’m glad you’re here today, Mike.” The words hit him hard because he knew the meaning. There were so many roads that could’ve led to Mike not being around to celebrate his son’s wedding day, yet he was standing beside me. We all made it through the storm.

“The first time I saw you, I thought you were beautiful. The first time I held you, I didn’t want to let go. The first time you kissed me, I knew I was yours. You are the definition of everything pure in this world. You taught me what love is. What it looks, feels, and tastes like. You taught me how to be my best self. You taught me that my struggles aren’t flaws; they are just part of what makes me whole. So, today, I give you the random facts of our future. I promise I will show up each day, even when it’s hard. I will breathe life into you whenever you need me. I will be your best friend, your person. I will love you in every way, shape, and form. I will give my all to you because you are my world.” He took a deep breath. “You are my whole world, and I will never stop loving you. That’s what I promise you, Gracelyn Mae. I promise you, me.”

“How do we keep this? How do we keep this feeling from fading?” “We keep choosing this,” I told him, placing my forehead against his. “You and me. We keep showing up for one another. Choose me today, and I’ll choose you tomorrow.” “Always and always?”

This book is for the man who held me during my panic attacks and told me it would be all right. The man who makes me laugh when I feel like crying. The man who lets me ‘win’ at games, even though I really almost always lose. The one who taught me that not all guys are the same. The one who makes me smile the kind of smiles where my cheeks hurt while my heart skips a few beats. The one who always gives me butterflies. The one who made me believe in love stories once again.

This book is for any and every person who has ever felt lost in their lives. It’s for anyone whose world has been flipped upside down. For anyone who has been broken down, but didn’t give up. You deserve to find your way once more. You deserve to re-introduce your heart to your soul. You’re not broken because of a few missteps. You are not a failure because of some mistakes. You are human. You are growing, learning, evolving, and that is extraordinary.