Disgrace

by Brittainy C. Cherry

“How do you always stay so positive? With everything and everyone?” “Oh, that’s easy—I smoke a lot of marijuana.”

“You would make a great mother.”

“Will you hold my hand?” she asked. I took hers in mine. “Always and always.”

“Okay. I’m ready.” That was a lie. The moment the needle touched her skin, she screamed bloody murder and nearly hopped up as she squeezed my hand ridiculously tight.

“Think happy thoughts, princess,” I told her. She inhaled sharply and nodded. “Eggs in cake, puppies, dresses, tacos.” “Pizza, waffles, parks…” “Bookshops, Christmas, Hallow—holy fudgeknuckles!” she barked, squeezing my hand tighter.

“I got it from rehab. Whenever I felt like using, the doctor had me snap the band against my wrist as a reminder that this life is real, and the pain I felt from the snap was to remind me that the next step I took would be real. It was my chance to be powerful in dark moments.”

“You have five seconds to let her go before I rip your arm from the socket.” For a moment, Finn debated, uncertain if he should believe the threat or not. “You better listen to him,” I warned. “Last time a guy stepped out of line, he snapped his cell phone in half.”

That was the biggest difference between the two men standing in front of me. Finley always caged me. Jackson allowed me to fly.

“Not that anniversary. It’s the anniversary of my first miscarriage.”

“She gave him the one thing I couldn’t,” she replied. “That’s all I ever wanted to be for him, ya know? For me. All I ever wanted was to have a family, to be a mother, and for some reason, I couldn’t do the thing women are supposed to be able to do. I couldn’t…” She took a sharp inhale and closed her eyes. “All I wanted was to give him a family, and instead, he went out and created one for himself.”

“An almost girl?” “You know…” She released a hard exhale. “The girl who almost gets the dream. I almost had a forever love, I almost had a forever marriage, and I was almost a mother, but after seven losses, I finally realized it wasn’t in the cards for me. The doctors said if we kept trying, my body wouldn’t be able to take it, but truthfully, I was more worried about my mind. I felt like I was losing it with each day that passed. I hadn’t even had a chance to come to terms with that fact before Finn walked out on me. My mind was too broken. My heart was too sore. I’m just tired of being an almost person, that’s all.”

“I sometimes pretend I knew their genders, and I gave them all names,” she confessed. “What are their names?” “Emerson, Jamie, Karla, Michael, Jaxon, Phillip, and Steven,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Those are beautiful names.”

“My heart’s doing that skipping thing again.” “Well, maybe that’s okay, you know? Maybe sometimes hearts have to skip in order to keep beating.”

“Can I stay a few more minutes?” she asked, her voice shaky and unsure. “Yes, and then you can stay a few more after that.”

Hank narrowed his eyes. “This seems like a sister conversation, so I’m going to go watch ESPN in the bedroom.”

She nodded. “What color hair?” “Burgundy.” Her eyes widened. “You want to kill her.” She laughed. “You want to kill our mother.” “Think of it this way. If she doesn’t die from this, she’ll probably live forever.”

“She’s so hard on me.” “Don’t take it personally. She’s hard on everyone because the world made her that way.”

“I’m broken,” she warned me. “Yeah, I know.” I took her hand and kissed her palm. “I am too.”

“But are you happy here?” “Happiness never really seemed like an option for someone like me.”

“Jackson Paul Emery misses people?” I joked, trying to control the feelings raging in my chest. “No, not people…just you.”

“I’m going to miss you, too,” I said softly. “Without you, I would’ve drowned this summer.”

“I didn’t know Jackson Emery dated people.” “Not people…only you.”

“So…” He whispered. “It’s a date?” “Yes.” Chills raced throughout my body. “It’s a date. Good night, Jackson Paul.”

“Buddy, your father is not your burden.” “I’m not going leave him to die. I’m all he has.”

“She was about to rip out some woman’s hair at the festival because they were talking about you. She’s as protective of you as you are of her. I’ve never seen something that made no sense yet made complete sense until I laid eyes on the two of you together.”

“He’s been this way for days now, and if he doesn’t wake up…” My words faded off, and I jerked my hand through my hair. “I hate him,” I told her. “I’ve hated him for so long—for the person he became, for the person he turned me into—but if anything happens to him…if I lose him…” I shut my eyes. “He’s my dad, Grace. He’s all I have, and if I lose him, I lose my world.”

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and began to pray. Dear God, it’s me, Gracelyn Mae…

“Are you encouraging me to make up with my mother?” “You’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t.”

“Then why are you even here?” “Because she asked me to come. Grace wanted me to come. I don’t believe in you or your god, but I believe in her. No one has ever stood by my side in all my life except for her, so the least I can do is stand beside her in the same fashion. This family means more than words to her, so that’s why I’m here. For her and her alone.”

“Thank you again, for not telling Grace.” “Yeah. It just makes me wonder… You don’t want to tell her because you don’t want her to see you in a different light, right? Because you want her to keep loving you for who she thinks you are?” “Exactly.” “But do you really want that? Do you want someone’s love by keeping secrets from them, or do you want their full love when they see all your flaws?”

“My stubbornness kept me from understanding. My pride got in my way, but Gracelyn Mae, the way the two of you look at one another floored me. It was as if you could truly see each other. I’ve never seen that in all my life.”

I didn’t have a clue what was breaking her. I didn’t have any idea why she was falling apart. All I knew was that she needed me there for her, and right there was where I’d be. There was something so heartbreaking about seeing your parents fall apart. It was as if you were watching Superwoman fall from the sky.

“You’re not wrong, and you used her loyalty to abuse her heart. No wonder she’s so cold. She doesn’t know what love is anymore.”

“Yeah. It’s just funny. I always wondered where I went wrong with Finn. How I stumbled into a relationship where the foundation of loyalty didn’t exist.” I took a deep breath and looked up at the same stars he studied that night. “It just turns out that I married a man who was exactly like my father.”

“And princess, can you do one thing for me?” “Of course, anything.” I combed her hair behind her ears and looked straight into those beautiful blue eyes as I spoke her way. “If you ever fall in love again, please let it be with me.”

Had she been hurting as long as Mike had? Why hadn’t I ever taken the time to zoom in on my own mother? Perhaps it was because children oftentimes forgot that their parents were human, too. Perhaps it was because we assumed they had everything figured out, due to the fake smiles they delivered our way.

“Is that how you feel about Dad?” She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. “I love that man. More than anything, I love him, and I tried to be everything I could for him. I wanted to be perfect so he could love me back. The truth is, he’d never be able to love me the way I love him, and that breaks my heart.”

“For so long, I thought I was unworthy of love. I prayed on it each night, asking God to heal my broken pieces. To make my husband love me, but he couldn’t. And now, Samuel says he doesn’t want to be with me. That I deserve more. What does that even mean? More than what? All I know, all I’ve ever known was how to be his. To be the pastor’s wife. And now, he’s leaving me, and I’m…” She took a breath and closed her eyes. “I don’t know how to be alone.”

When her eyes opened, I felt as if I saw myself staring back at me. “How did you do it?” she asked me. “How did you begin again after years of being someone else’s?”

“I just don’t know who I am anymore. Without Samuel, do I even exist?” she asked me. How odd was that? Hearing my mother repeat all the same questions I’d asked myself.

“You probably exist more in this moment than you ever have in all your life. You’ll be surprised by all the things you learn about your heart and how it beats. And if you need to get away, you can come stay with me for as long as necessary. I have a spare room.”

“You’re free, Jackson,” he said, giving me a half smile. “Go find yourself.”

“Look, can we not make a big fuss about this? I ain’t no good at goodbyes.” “Well, let’s not say goodbye,” I told him, pulling him into a hug. “Just good night until tomorrow.”

“I’m falling in love with you, Gracelyn Mae,”

“My dad gave me a check, and it’s enough for me to explore the country for a little bit of time. I can stop places and find out who I am, and what I believe in. I can start healing the broken parts of me.”

“I mean, I haven’t really been alone, not really. I think it could be good for the both of us to take a few months and truly discover the ins and outs of our hearts and minds. Then, once we truly come together, it will be because we are two whole individuals, not two broken ones leaning against one another to keep from falling.”

We’ll learn to walk alone, and then we’ll walk together.”

“Jackson?” “Yes?” “When you find you, come back to me.”

Dad didn’t know what he was missing out on. She laughed more, too. I almost forgot how much I loved the sound of Mama’s laughter.

Throughout my life, there were a few hard days. Days where even when I tried to be happy, my heart still cracked, and Mother’s Day was one of those. For others, it stood as a celebration. For me, it spoke of loss and failure. I’d somewhat come to terms with the fact I wouldn’t be one who had children.