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we soon slid backward into the traditional roles we’d grown up seeing, which were clearly more ingrained than I’d thought (we’re just a grandma and grandpa away from the old model, after all). It wasn’t by any grand design; it just sort of happened. I was making food for the baby, so I started doing all the family cooking and food shopping. I did the baby’s laundry, so I began to throw in our clothes, too. When she was small, I stayed at home with her during
Before I had a baby, I would roll my eyes when I’d hear a new mom lamenting that she didn’t have time to shower for days on end. Please, I’d think. Doesn’t a newborn sleep all the time? Drama! Now that I’m a mother, I roll my eyes when I hear the oft-repeated advice urging moms to “nap when the baby naps.” The effort required to keep a tiny new being alive is bizarrely immense—and,
couples often fall into a pattern of demand and retreat—most often, the woman demands and the man retreats. This dynamic has arisen, she says, because men have less to gain by changing their behavior, while women are more likely to want to alter the status quo—which means they also initiate more fights.
women do countless invisible tasks. This is the time-gobbling labor that will likely never show up on any sort of time use study. One is “kin work,” which Smock defines to me as “giving emotional support to relatives, buying presents and sending cards, handling holiday celebrations, things like that.”
Then there’s “emotion work,” the constant checking on the wellbeing of everyone in the household:
Yet another kind of invisible work is called “consumption labor”—buying the kids’ underwear and school
Perhaps the least visible but most pervasive job is that of household manager.
Even when they are asleep, infants as young as six months react negatively to angry, argumentative voices, as University of Oregon researchers discovered by measuring brain activity of babies in the presence of steadily rising voices. Babies raised by unhappily married parents have been shown to have a host of developmental problems, from delayed speech and potty training to a reduced ability to self-soothe.
want to fully enjoy the family I have been yearning for all my life, and to take active notice of the many good things that my husband does. Our home should be a place of safety and comfort for all of us.
you come home and you’re dog tired, too bad. If anything, you have to be super thoughtful, because it’s really hard to be home with the kids alone.”
My little baby girl, you’re all grown up now. You used to play house, and now you manage your own house. And your office. I am so proud. And I am so sorry. Sorry that you have to do this all alone. Sorry that I never stopped you while you were playing house. I never told you that it’s not your job alone, but your husband’s too. (The camera cuts to her husband, who is relaxing in front of the television.) But how could I say it when I never helped your mom, either? And what you saw, you learned.… But it’s not too late. I will make a conscious effort to help your mom with the household chores. I
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He can’t read your mind. He’s not even close to reading your mind.
Stop complaining and ask clearly for what you want.
“I’m always amazed that in this age of personal empowerment, people still subscribe to the truly nutty idea that an effective strategy for getting what you want from your partner is to complain about it after the fact. This boxes him in and leaves him nowhere to go.”
Tom’s behavior changed only when I learned to tell him, calmly and specifically, what I would like to have happen.
get fully behind the idea that I need help around the house, as well as rest and leisure time.
When I take time for myself, I come back and I’m more the mother I want to be.
If a fight is brewing, start with “I” statements.
Kids can see you fight if you do it fairly.
What is bad is persistent, low-level tension that erupts into full-fledged battles in a manner that baffles them, and that never get resolved.
Push through his pushback.
Say “Thank you,” and say it often.
Divest yourself of the “story you are making up.”
Whenever I find myself writing a custom thought bubble above Tom’s head (which usually has a gloating or evil tone), I follow Brown’s recommendation and share it with Tom.
Use your power.
Know that no matter what you and your spouse tell yourselves, your child is affected by your arguing. Period.
Symbolic gestures: minimal effort, maximum effectiveness!
Finding the tasks your mate can’t tolerate if they’re neglected, and then foisting them on him, is an exciting game of strategy.
Children learn what they live.
