How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

by Jancee Dunn

“If he goes away on

a trip, don’t give it to him and then piss on it on the way out the door. I call that ‘peeing on the gift’! Either let him do it and be okay about it, or don’t!”

“Tom, what you’re not getting, and this is true for most men I see, is that it is in your interest to move beyond your knee-jerk selfishness and entitlement and to take good care of your wife, so she isn’t such a raving lunatic all the time.”

“Humiliating and ridiculing have no place whatsoever in a healthy relationship. There’s a world of difference between assertively standing up for yourself and aggressively putting him down. As crazy at it might seem, arguing or complaining can actually feel safer to most of us than simply and directly making a request. So, starting today, you have to tell him what he could do to make you feel better by using the phrase ‘What I’d like you to do now is…’ Okay? Rather than just pounding him into the ground.”

“I know that what I’m about to do is going to cause you harm, but right now, my anger is more important to me than you are.”

Say this while holding a photo of your kids before you blow up at their father in front of them.

In study after study, research indicates that—surprise!—when men take on their fair share of household responsibilities, their partners are happier and less prone to depression, disputes are fewer, and divorce rates are lower. The day-to-day labor of keeping a household running is a remarkably significant issue for couples: a Pew Research Center survey found that sharing household chores ranked third in importance on a list of nine items associated with successful marriages.

(For many women, “standing up for yourself” still carries the stigma of “being a pain in the ass.”)

You need to realize that you have an identity that is bigger than just motherhood, and trusting that your child will be okay in the hands of others creates a more humble presence for you.

Masters look purposefully for things they can appreciate and respect about their partner;

disasters monitor their mates for what they are doing wrong so they can criticize them.

In other words, as Terry Real so memorably put it, don’t pee on the gift.

“Look, none of us, by nature, wants to be controlled with demands. He’s already heard fifteen times that you want something done. Now that he’s feeling loved, that task comes back to his mind and he wants to respond. I can’t tell you how often I’ve seen this work.”

“If you don’t like something, change it, leave it, or embrace it. If you neither change nor leave it, own it.”

In what ways has our child changed our relationship? How do you think we could have more fun in our life? How have your goals in life changed since we had a child? What things are missing in your life? Who is your role model as a parent? What are your biggest worries about our future?

Conversation topics with partner.