Carpet Diem

by Justin Lee Anderson

killed in a tragic, pudding-related accident.

like to get out.” “Aye, well, seeing as Amelia’s mum is planning to skin you alive tomorrow, we thought that’d be best, too.” Harriet had broken the news gently, as usual. Bob’s face drained of colour. Simon found himself singing ‘Whiter Shade of Pale’ to himself. Sometimes his mind did really inappropriate things. Actually, it was quite often.

Then it occurred to her that perhaps, if she asked nicely, she could have both men at the same time and make them into one big pretzel.

Simon awoke in heaven. Clearly, it was heaven, because

everything was soft and nothing hurt.