I'm Thinking of Ending Things

by Iain Reid

Jake was funny. Or he at least had a sense of humor. I still didn’t think he was as funny as me. Most men I meet aren’t.

—How could he actually do it, go through with it? You don’t do that on a whim. You couldn’t. —It’s scary is what it is. Scary and disturbing. —So did you know him? Were you close, or . . . ? —No, no. Not close. I don’t think anyone was close with him. He was a loner. That was his nature. Kept to himself. Standoffish. Some knew him better. But . . . you know. —It’s crazy. It doesn’t seem real. —It’s one of those terrible things, but unfortunately it’s very real.

HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN something is menacing?

At night, when I wake up alone, the memory still terrifies me. It scares me more the older I get. Each time I remember it, it seems worse, more sinister. Maybe each time I remember it, I make it worse than it was. I don’t know.

I always felt like the man was there. The man is always there.

“Keep doing that. It feels good. I like when you touch me. You’re very tender. You’re therapeutic.”

Jake told me our relationship has its own valence. Valence. That’s the word he used.

Okay English Major

“I’m glad we don’t know everything.” “You’re glad?” “That we don’t know all the answers, that we can’t explain it all, like space. Maybe we’re not supposed to know all the answers. Questions are good. They’re better than answers. If you want to know more about life, how we work, how we progress, it’s questions that are important. That’s what pushes and stretches our intellect. I think questions make us feel less lonely and more connected. It’s not always about knowing. I appreciate not knowing. Not knowing is human.

too. To really know ourselves we have to question ourselves. I always liked that idea.

‘You are the new man. How delicious cannot forget, special taste. Return the turn flavor.’

So I told him what came to mind, that kissing involves two people. You can’t be a singular person and be the best kisser. It’s an action that requires two.

“A memory is its own thing each time it’s recalled. It’s not absolute. Stories based on actual events often share more with fiction than fact.

“Reality happens only once.”

“Every story is made up. Even the real ones.”

“The most attractive thing in the world is the combination of confidence and self-consciousness.

“But you think getting old is good?” “I do. It is. First of all, it’s inevitable. It just seems negative because of our overwhelming obsession with youth.”

Are small, critical actions enough? Small gestures make us feel good—about ourselves, about others. Small things connect us. They feel like everything.

I want to kiss him as he drives.

“There was no dependency. Dependency equates to seriousness.”

I turn my attention to my food, cutting a piece of rare meat. It’s dark and crusty on the outside, rare, pink, and oozy on the inside. There are traces of juice and blood on my plate. There’s some jellied salad I haven’t touched. My hunger has diminished. I mash some potato and carrot onto a morsel of meat and put it into my mouth.

Because Jake is such a good conversationalist, one of the best I’ve ever met, I thought his parents would be, too.

two most important things for quality intellectual interaction are: One: keep simple things simple and complex things complex. Two: don’t enter any conversation with a strategy or a solution.

We can’t and don’t know what others are thinking. We can’t and don’t know what motivations people have for doing the things they do. Ever. Not entirely. This was my terrifying, youthful epiphany. We just never really know anyone. I don’t. Neither do you.

We can never be the best kisser alone.