The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

Your brain and your personality change more during your twenties than at any time before or after.

80 percent of life’s most defining moments taking place by age thirty-five.

Identity capital is our stock of personal assets. It is how we add value to who we are, and it is what we have to show for how we have spent our time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, or the things we do well enough or long enough that they become a part of who we are.

Twentysomethings who take the time to explore and also have the nerve to make commitments along the way construct stronger identities. They have higher self-esteem and are more persevering and realistic. This path to identity is associated with a host of positive outcomes, including a clearer sense of self, greater life satisfaction, better stress management, stronger reasoning, and resistance to conformity—

Yes is how you get your first job, and your next job, and your spouse, and even your kids. Even if it’s a bit edgy, a bit out of your comfort zone, saying yes means you will do something new, meet someone new, and make a difference.

That’s what I thought everybody was doing too, because that’s what everybody I was around was doing.

when we do something nice for someone we tend to like that person even more afterward—and this may lead to another favor down the line. This phenomenon is called “the Ben Franklin effect.”

There is a certain terror that goes along with saying “My life is up to me.” It is scary to realize that you can’t just wait around, that no one can really rescue you, and that you—and only you—just have to do something.

Switching costs are the time, money, or effort it requires to make a change. When we make an initial investment in something, switching costs are hypothetical and in the future, so we tend to underestimate them.

Recent research suggests that, without clear gender norms to divide up household tasks, gay and lesbian couples talk about who is going to do what and when. Straight couples, however, tend to fall back on unspoken, unexamined norms in their families and communities—and in the media—rather than sitting down and checking in about what each partner actually wants.

In tiny increments, like five-minute “smoke breaks,” your screens are stealing your hours and your days. They are stealing your health and your sleep and your hobbies and your goals. They are stealing your relationships and your best chance for connection and support. They are stealing your present and, therefore, your future. They are stealing your defining decade and your lives. Having your attention drawn away from who you are and who you want to be is the antithesis of living an intentional life. If you don’t pay attention to what you are doing in the moment, the years will pass you by.