The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

80 percent of life’s most defining moments taking place by age thirty-five.

I have seen countless twentysomethings spend too many years living without perspective.

Identity capital is our stock of personal assets. It is how we add value to who we are, and it is what we have to show for how we have spent our time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, or the things we do well enough or long enough that they become a part of who we are.

their earning power was largely decided in those first ten years of work.

That’s why I wish I had done more during my first few years out of college. I wish I had pushed myself to take some work leaps or a wider range of jobs.

“the urban tribe.” What he was describing was the makeshift family that has come to the fore as young adults spend more years on their own.

At the end of a tough day at work, most twentysomethings come home not to parents or partners but to friends.

urban tribe may be the most supportive figures in our twenties, they are not the most transformative.

“The Strength of Weak

Weak ties, on the other hand, are people we have met—or are connected to somehow—but do not currently know well.

a result, a cluster of strong ties—such as the urban tribe—is typically an incestuous, homogeneous group.

Everything can change in a day. Especially if you put yourself out there.

Alumni networks from college and high schools can be really helpful, and if there’s not an official network, go through the Facebook group or LinkedIn group for your school. Look through and see where people work. If there is someone who does something you want to do, call or email them for an informational interview.

when we do something nice for someone we tend to like that person even more afterward—and this may lead to another favor down the line. This phenomenon is called “the Ben Franklin effect.”

I would advise the same approach today as you ask your own weak ties for letters of recommendation, suggestions or introductions, or informational interviews: Make yourself relevant. Do your homework so you know precisely what you want or need. Then, gather up the courage and politely ask for it.

A WISE MAN MAKES HIS OWN LUCK.

it is the people you know the least well who may be positioned to do you the most good.

Not knowing what you want to do with your life—or not at least having some ideas about what to do next—is a defense against that terror.

Being confused about choices is nothing more than hoping that maybe there is a way to get through life without taking charge.

was pretending there was no particular life he wanted to live. It was like he had no past and no future, and no reason for going one way or the other. He wasn’t reflecting on the years he had lived so far, and neither was he thinking through the years that were ahead. As he said, this made action impossible.

“You’ve spent more than two decades shaping who you are. You have experiences, interests, strengths, weaknesses, diplomas, dislikes, priorities. You didn’t just this moment drop onto the planet or, as you put it, into the ocean.

Unthought knowns are those things we know about ourselves but forget somehow. They are the dreams we have lost sight of or the truths we sense but don’t say out loud. We may be afraid of acknowledging the unthought known to other people, maybe because we are worried about what they might think. Even more often, we fear what the unthought known will then mean for ourselves and our lives. We fear what the unthought known means we ought to do next.

the real uncertainty begins. The more terrifying kind of uncertainty is wanting something but not knowing how to get it. It is working toward something even though there is no sure thing.

When we make choices, we open ourselves up to hard work and failure and heartbreak.

I don’t know how to get an A in my twenties. I feel like I am failing for the first time.”

Taken together, research shows that social media use—whatever sites or apps you prefer—tends to make twentysomethings more unhappy than happy.

Upward social comparisons are when we compare our lives to those who have—or who seem to have—better ones. Sometimes, this can be beneficial or even motivating, but usually it is detrimental and demotivating.

The daily comparison and unrealistic expectations that follow are just extremely unhealthy to me. They make you feel like you’re behind in life or not doing enough with your life and maybe even discourage you from making forward moves. Or you may think you’re at a disadvantage because other people have better opportunities or something.

Each person has an inherent urge to grow toward his or her potential, much in the way an acorn becomes a tree.

their twentysomething choices matter and are, in fact, shaping the years ahead.

Listening to Talia talk, it was difficult not to notice the “shoulds” and “supposed tos” that littered her sentences: Work should be Wow! She should be in graduate school. Her life should look better on Instagram than it did.

Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds judge us from the outside.

I never felt like I was better than those around me, and that I was just focused on

learning and getting results, is what has led me to better and better things at my company.

At a time when many twentysomethings yearn for somewhere to call home and have no idea where they might be in ten years, choosing a place can be incredibly useful. Whether it is moving closer to family or building a life in a city you love, knowing your place is something not to be overlooked.

common symptom of youth: “the dread of doing what has been done before.” If he ever chose something to do for work, he didn’t want it to be some same-old, everyday thing; his life should be unique.

“Being against something is easy,” I said. “What are you for?”

“That you can’t pull some great career out of a hat in your thirties. You’ve got to start in your twenties.” With these clients in mind, over the next

careers and lives don’t roll off an assembly line. We have to put together the pieces ourselves. Ian’s life could be personalized and changeable, but it was going to take some time and effort—and he would probably need to start with some common parts.

Now I am at a point where I don’t want to continue in my current position—and I’m pissed! It’s hard to think all over again about what the next step is. But it’s easier now because I know from experience that I have to take action, that debating isn’t going to get me anywhere.

whom you marry is the most important decision you’ll ever make.

“When you partner with someone, you have a second chance at family—both nuclear and extended—and I feel like you’re not taking it. I don’t think you realize what a missed opportunity this is.”

The most difficult thing to cure is the patient’s attempt at self-cure.

‘A raft is a good thing to have when you’re crossing a river. But when you get to the other side, put it down.’”

Living together is a good test for marriage. This is a common misperception.

Many, many clients in their late twenties or early thirties wish they hadn’t sunk years of their twenties into relationships that would have only lasted months had they not been living together. They ended up killing more time than they expected and, later, they wished they could get that time back.

Move in

“chemistry is not the same thing as compatibility.”

It is never too late to talk out what matters, of course, but it is arguably never too early either.

time is one of your most valuable resources, and how you spend it matters, both in

If you don’t pay attention to what you are doing in the moment, the years will pass you by.