The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

Then somewhere around the age of twenty, life opens up, and the syllabi are gone. There are no more sheets of paper to tell you what to do every day, and no more grades to let you know where you stand.

We think that by avoiding decisions now, we keep all of our options open for later. But not making choices is a choice all the same.

In your twenties and beyond, it is the people you know the least well who may be positioned to do you the most good. And remember, it’s good to be good. Weak ties are the people who can change your life for the better—both right now and in the years to come—if you have the courage to know what you want.

Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same. Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds judge us from the outside. Goals feel like authentic dreams, while shoulds feel like oppressive standards. Shoulds set up a false dichotomy between either meeting an ideal or being a failure, between perfection or settling. The tyranny of the should even pits us against our own best interests.

Saying yes to one concrete thing felt like saying no to an interesting or limitless life. In fact, it’s the other way around.

Good reminder

Not everyone wants the same sort of relationship their parents had, and some twentysomethings are quite determined to do life differently. But being clear with your partner and yourself about what you want is only fair.

If you take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves. —Tibetan proverb

In tiny increments, like five-minute “smoke breaks,” your screens are stealing your hours and your days. They are stealing your health and your sleep and your hobbies and your goals. They are stealing your relationships and your best chance for connection and support. They are stealing your present and, therefore, your future. They are stealing your defining decade and your lives. Having your attention drawn away from who you are and who you want to be is the antithesis of living an intentional life. If you don’t pay attention to what you are doing in the moment, the years will pass you by.

She was reaching out in a moment of need and letting someone else’s frontal lobe do the work. We all need to do that sometimes, but if we toss our distress like a hot potato too much, we don’t learn to handle bad days on our own. We don’t practice soothing ourselves just when our brains are in the best position to pick up new skills. We don’t learn how to calm ourselves down, and this in and of itself undermines confidence.

Literally, confidence means “with trust.” Confidence is trusting yourself to get the job done—whether that job is public speaking or sales or teaching or being an assistant—and that trust only comes from having gotten the job done many times before.

She taught me not to confuse feminism with not being allowed to want a family. She taught me that feminists want families too. That’s how you make more feminists.