The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

[Those] deeply enmeshed in [a close-knit group] may never become aware of the fact that their lives do not actually depend on what happens within the group but on forces far beyond their perception.

With all the attention paid to the urban tribe, however, many twentysomethings have limited themselves to huddling together with the same few people. This is a problem because, while the urban tribe may be the most supportive figures in our twenties, they are not the most transformative.

Ironically, being enmeshed with a group can actually enhance feelings of alienation, because we—and our tribe—become insular and detached.

Then she continued, “I think to myself, ‘You called this meeting. Have some good questions. Don’t just ask how long I’ve been at the company to make conversation until I can tell you what to do next.’”

He presented himself as a serious person with a need that matched what the man had to offer. He made himself interesting. He made himself relevant. And he asked for a clearly defined and easily deliverable favor:

Make yourself relevant. Do your homework so you know precisely what you want or need. Then, gather up the courage and politely ask for it.

now is the time to be connecting, not just with the same people having the same conversations about how work is lame or how there are no good men out there, but with those who might see things a little differently.

Sometimes I think I should just go back to graduate school for my PhD because it would sound better and I could get A’s again. I don’t know how to get an A in my twenties. I feel like I am failing for the first time.”

studies have shown that the more time twentysomethings spend on social media, and the more platforms they use, the more problems they may have.

I told her that an adult life is built not out of eating, praying, and loving but out of person, place, and thing: who we are with, where we live, and what we do for a living.

College is done and résumés are fledgling, so the personal narrative is one of the few things currently under our control. As a twentysomething, life is still more about potential than proof. Those who can tell a good story about who they are and what they think they want leap over those who can’t.

If the first step in establishing a professional identity is claiming our interests and talents, then the next step is claiming a story about our interests and talents, a narrative we can take with us to interviews and coffee dates.

How does what you did before relate to what you want to do now, and how might that get you to what you want to do next?

“I’m here for you!” and “You can be part of my family!” they chimed. But as only a child without a family of her own knows, it’s not the same.

“It’s just practice. The twenties are a dress rehearsal.” “And look at what you’re practicing,” I said. “Consider what part you’re rehearsing to play.”

They originated in old conversations and experiences, and so they could change only through new conversations and new experiences. Things get better only when we let new and better people in.

when we let new and better people care about us or love us, or when we at least listen to—and believe—what they have to say.

What I tell my clients about “the cohabitation effect” is this: The effect that living together has on your partnership will likely depend not on whether you live together but how.

Research has shown that, regardless of relationship status—whether it is dating or sleeping together or living together or being married—couples who make thoughtful and mutual decisions are more dedicated, more satisfied, and more faithful.

Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward. —Søren Kierkegaard, philosopher

If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. —Dale Carnegie, writer and lecturer

“That brain transplant you want, it’s going to come from a life transplant. By joining the world, you could feel a lot better.”

They need something to remind them that life is going to continue on past their twenties, and that they might even want it to be great.

What are ten pieces of identity capital you have right now?

What are three pieces of identity capital you would like to earn next?

List five weak ties and how they might help you with where you might like to go next. How can you reach out to them when the time is right? What is keeping you from doing this now?

Do you take your love life as seriously as work or school? Why or why not? Is this something you would like to change and, if so, how?

Does the notion of “picking your family” set up unrealistic expectations for your partner’s family and the role they need to play?

How do you calm yourself when you feel anxious or upset? Do you consider your ways of coping healthy or problematic?

Describe one thing you would like to change about your current self by the age of thirty. Say something about how you plan to do it and what might (but won’t) get in the way.

Using whatever format that works for you, make a rough plan for your life over the next ten years. Include what you might like to accomplish in terms of work, love, travel, money, friends, family, health, habits—you name it.

Now, reflect on the process. What did you discover by putting your hopes and dreams on a timeline? Was sketching out your plan scary or exciting or organizing or all of the above and more? What does this plan mean for your twenties?

Write a letter to your thirty-five-year-old self. What are your hopes and dreams for that person? What would you like to say to him or her? • Now, have your thirty-five-year-old self write a letter to who you are now. What do you think he or she would like to say to you in the present?

The best part about getting older is knowing how your life worked out.