The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

80 percent of life’s most defining moments taking place by age thirty-five.

You are young and life is long, and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find, ten years has got behind you. —David Gilmour, Nick Mason,

most therapists would agree with Socrates that “the unexamined life is not worth living,” a lesser-known quote by American psychologist Sheldon Kopp might be more important here: “The unlived life is not worth examining.”

twenties are one of the loneliest times of life.

Uncertainty makes people anxious, and distraction is the twenty-first-century opiate of the masses.

so-called twixters, the now-thirtysomethings and fortysomethings who wish they had done some things differently.

We think that by avoiding decisions now, we keep all of our options open for later. But not making choices is a choice all the same.

The postmillennial midlife crisis isn’t buying a red sports car. It is figuring out that while we were busy making sure we didn’t miss out on anything, we were setting ourselves up to miss out on some of the most important things of all.

Identity Capital Adults don’t emerge. They’re made. —Kay Hymowitz, social commentator We are born not all at once, but by bits. —Mary Antin, writer

Twentysomethings like Helen imagine that crisis is for now and capital is for later when, in fact, crisis and capital can—and should—go together, like they did for Erikson.

degree from a university followed by too many unexplained retail and coffee-shop gigs looks backward. Unless you want to have a career in retail or hospitality—and there are a good many good people who do—those sorts of jobs can hurt our résumés and even our lives.

those who are underemployed for as little as nine months tend to be more depressed and less motivated than their peers—than even their unemployed peers. But before we decide that unemployment is a better alternative to underemployment, consider this: Twentysomething unemployment is associated with heavy drinking and depression in middle age—that is, even after becoming regularly employed.

you can’t think your way through life. The only way to figure out what to do is to do—something.

Over time, our initial feeling of being part of a group becomes a sense of disconnection with the larger world.

There is a certain terror that goes along with saying “My life is up to me.” It is scary to realize that you can’t just wait around, that no one can really rescue you, and that you—and only you—just have to do something.

twentysomethings who make choices are happier than those who tread water, he kept himself confused.

When it comes to making choices, less is more. The fewer choices we have, the more likely we are to pick something.

studies have shown that the more time twentysomethings spend on social media, and the more platforms they use, the more problems they may have. They are more likely to feel anxious and depressed. They are more likely to report lower self-esteem. They are more likely to struggle with disordered eating. And they are more likely to feel besieged by FOMO,

Upward social comparisons are when we compare our lives to those who have—or who seem to have—better ones.

We are comparing other people’s edited shots with our own unretouched lives.

Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same. Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds judge us from the outside.