The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

while most therapists would agree with Socrates that “the unexamined life is not worth living,” a lesser-known quote by American psychologist Sheldon Kopp might be more important here: “The unlived life is not worth examining.”

Workers in the study did not earn their highest salaries in their twenties, of course, but their earning power was largely decided in those first ten years of work. How? Because those steep learning curves that often go along with twentysomething work then translate into steep earning curves as we age.

What this means is that your twenties are the time for that cross-country job or that graduate degree or that start-up you want to try. Even if those first gigs don’t pay so well, your employer or your mentor may be investing in you, allowing you to accumulate identity capital that will have big returns over time.

“Maybe I should wait for something better to come along…” Helen stalled. “But something better doesn’t just come along,” I said. “One good piece of capital is how you get to better.”

The one thing I have learned is that you can’t think your way through life. The only way to figure out what to do is to do—something.

Yes is how you get your first job, and your next job, and your spouse, and even your kids. Even if it’s a bit edgy, a bit out of your comfort zone, saying yes means you will do something new, meet someone new, and make a difference.

the finding that when we do something nice for someone we tend to like that person even more afterward

It’s simple. It’s good to be good. There is a “helper’s high” that comes from being generous. In numerous studies, altruism has been linked to health, happiness, and longevity—all the things adults want.

A WISE MAN MAKES HIS OWN LUCK.

it is the people you know the least well who may be positioned to do you the most good. And remember, it’s good to be good.

The more terrifying kind of uncertainty is wanting something but not knowing how to get it. It is working toward something even though there is no sure thing. When we make choices, we open ourselves up to hard work and failure and heartbreak. So, sometimes, it feels easier not to know, not to choose, and not to do. But it isn’t.

“But what if I start and I change my mind?” “Then you’ll do something else. This isn’t the only jar of jam you’ll ever get to buy.”

“If I never do it, it’s always possible. It could happen. But if I go for it and it fails, I will have spent it. That choice will be gone.” “It won’t be gone. It will be better informed.

If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are. —Charles de Montesquieu, writer/philosopher

and when we compare those photos to our real lives, we are, as they say, “comparing other people’s outsides to our insides.” We are comparing other people’s edited shots with our own unretouched lives.

No matter what company or program someone applies to, a sort of game goes on. Interviewers want to hear a reasonable story about the past, present, and future. How does what you did before relate to what you want to do now, and how might that get you to what you want to do next?

Love and attachment will prevail. Technology cannot change it. —Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist,

Regardless, the best time to work on Alex’s marriage is before she has one.”

“When you partner with someone, you have a second chance at family

It means you are thinking about the fact that your relationship needs to work not only in the here-and-now but also in the there-and-then.

But what people say they are “looking for,” as Mashable puts it, often has something to do with what they think they can get—or what they think they deserve.

Things get better only when we let new and better people in.

Research has shown that, regardless of relationship status—whether it is dating or sleeping together or living together or being married—couples who make thoughtful and mutual decisions are more dedicated, more satisfied, and more faithful. In contrast, those who avoid “the relationship talk” report more uncertainty all around.

So whatever it is we want to change about ourselves, our twenties are the easiest time to change it.

“The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.”

In the timeless classic Man’s Search for Meaning, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl describes his time in a Nazi concentration camp. While there, he said, his experiences—and those of others around him—taught him that our attitudes and reactions are the last of our human freedoms.

Kaitlyn was relying on a reasoning error known as the availability heuristic. The availability heuristic is a mental shortcut whereby we decide how likely something is based on how easy it is to bring an example to mind.