The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

I felt a lot of internal pressure to figure it out, but all the thinking I did was really debilitating and unproductive. The one thing I have learned is that you can’t think your way through life.

when we do something nice for someone we tend to like that person even more afterward—

Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same. Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds judge us from the outside.

In marriage, with one decision you choose your partner in all adult things. Money, work, lifestyle, family, health, leisure, sex, retirement, and even death become a three-legged race.

couples who have an explicit and matching level of commitment—whatever that is—are more likely to fare well.

People feel less anxious—and more confident—on the inside when they can point to things they have done well on the outside. Fake confidence comes from stuffing our self-doubt. Empty confidence comes from parental platitudes on our lunch hour. Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult.

We now know that, of any time in life, our twenties are our best chance for change. That’s because the brain is changing and the environment is changing and roles are changing—all at the same time—which means that these changes intersect and influence each other.

Most twentysomethings can’t write the last sentence of their lives, but when pressed, they usually can identify things they want in their thirties or forties or sixties—or things they don’t want—and work backward from there.