Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed

by Lori Gottlieb

I could give Zach a mother who’s constantly worried about leaving him motherless, or I could give

him a mother whose uncertain health makes her more acutely aware of the preciousness of their time together.

“The more you welcome your vulnerability,” Wendell had said, “the less afraid you’ll feel.”

But somewhere along the way—perhaps in that middle—we realize that everyone lives with things that

may not get worked out. That the middle has to be the resolution, and how we make meaning of it becomes our task.

Now I keep in mind that none of us can love and be loved without the possibility of loss but that there’s a difference between knowledge and terror.

I explained to her that even in the best possible relationship, you’re going to get hurt sometimes, and no matter how much

you love somebody, you will at times hurt that person, not because you want to, but because you’re human. You will inevitably hurt your partner, your parents, your children, your closest friend—and they will hurt you—because if you sign up for intimacy, getting hurt is part of the deal. But, I went on, what was so great about a loving intimacy was that there was room for repair.

Late-in-life love has the benefit of being especially forgiving, generous, sensitive—and urgent.

“Every laugh and good time that comes my way feels ten times better than before I knew such sadness.”

“Maybe,” I say, “instead of worrying about them, you can love them. All you can do is find a way to love them that’s about what they need from you and not what

you need from them right now.”

That’s why it’s especially important to be the people we want to be now, to become more open and expansive while we’re able. A lot will be left dangling if we wait too long.

We also place undue pressure on those last moments, allowing them to supersede whatever came before.

“Almost is always the hardest, isn’t it?”

our fear of taking responsibility for our lives and the need to do so in order to heal.

Wendell once pointed out that we talk to ourselves more than we’ll talk to any other person over the course of our lives but that our words aren’t always kind or true or helpful—or even respectful.

“First you will do, then you will understand.” Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and experience something before its meaning becomes apparent.

Relationships in life don’t really end, even if you never see the person again. Every person you’ve been close to lives on somewhere inside you.

we grow in connection with others.