Terminal Uprising (Janitors of the Post-Apocalypse #2)

by Jim C. Hines

“As long as we’re in one piece, I’m happy.” Mops lowered her voice. “We are still in one piece, right?”

As you are human, please pay particular attention to the following rules. One: Eating Zenkozan employees is strictly forbidden. Two: Eating the Comacean is also forbidden.” “Our reputation precedes us,” commented Mops.

In the words of a great Earth philosopher, Don’t Panic.

Mops tried again, then a third time. A new message appeared: You appear to be having trouble. Would you like help? She’d hoped it wouldn’t come to this. Through clenched teeth, she muttered, “Yes.” An animated caricature of the Pufferfish appeared on the screen, beaming with preprogrammed happiness. Or thinly-concealed madness. It was hard to tell.

“You’ve stopped breathing,” said Doc. After a moment, he added, “You should probably start again.”

“We didn’t miss, exactly. We just hit the wrong part of the ship. Sir.”

Also, I’ve submitted Leave of Absence Request Form E-71, flagged for expedited processing and approval. Duration to be determined. (Either until I use up my accumulated leave or someone else catches Adamopoulos, whichever comes first.)

“I almost felt sorry for him. Then he started talking again.”

In my professional opinion, something is very wrong with this species.

“Have you considered not killing everyone?” asked Rubin. She might as well have asked, “Have you considered breathing radon?” or “Have you tried gluing your genitals to a comet?” Cate stared for several seconds, then turned away, his disgust obvious.

“The Alliance uses you as weapons. You’re nothing but guns to them.” “Bullshit.” Mops glanced back at her team. “Some of us were plungers.”

MOPS HAD IMAGINED THE Library of Humanity would be a grander, more modern version of the one the Krakau had destroyed, with endless rows of bookshelves and computer terminals stretching in all directions, interspersed with transparent display cases to protect the most valuable books and artifacts. She hadn’t anticipated the giant penguin.

Her right pointed the barrel of her pistol at the Krakau. She hoped she wouldn’t have to use it, since she couldn’t feel her fingers.

“The objective isn’t to kill. It’s to hold off the Krakau as long as we can.” “Killing them would hold them off permanently.”

“I thought you knew what you were doing.” “Why the hell would you think that?”

“We have to keep the ferals’ attention on us, so our job is to be as loud and obnoxious as possible.” “I’m told humans excel at that.”

“The true enemy of good isn’t evil, but fear. Evil will battle good, but fear will corrupt it.”

“Wasn’t that innocent Rokkau actively involved in an attempt to destroy my planet four months ago?” “Not the planet. Just the Krakau living there.”