All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood

by Jennifer Senior

In her work, Nancy Darling offers a nuanced analysis of what, precisely, makes the adolescent struggle for autonomy so contentious. Most kids, she notes, have no objections when their parents try to enforce moral standards or societal conventions. Don’t hit, be kind, clean up, ask to be excused—all this is considered fair game. The same goes for issues of safety: kids don’t consider it a boundary violation if they’re told to wear seat belts. What children object to are attempts to regulate more personal preferences, matters of taste: the music they listen to, the entertainments they pursue, the company they keep. When children are young, these personal preferences don’t tend to cause parents too much anxiety because they’re benign in most cases. Barney? Annoying, but unobjectionable. That little boy across the way? A little rowdy, but a decent kid. The Jonas Brothers? Cloying, but a little syrup never hurt anyone. The problem, says Darling, is that during adolescence questions of preference start to bleed into questions of morality and safety, and it often becomes impossible to discern where the line is: That kid you’re hanging out with? I don’t like how he drives or the stuff he’s introducing you to. Those games you’re playing? I don’t like all the violence and disgusting messages they’re sending about women. Even an issue as banal as wearing jeans to church, Darling writes in one of her blog posts on this subject, is a humdinger. Is that a matter of personal expression? ...