All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood

by Jennifer Senior

Most Americans are free to choose or change spouses, and the middle class has at least a modicum of freedom to choose or change careers. But we can never choose or change our children. They are the last binding obligation in a culture that asks for almost no other permanent commitments at all.

The Cowans, who have been studying the effects of children on marriage for over thirty-five years, say their research shows that the division of family labor is the largest source of postpartum conflict.

Without the pop-in, without the vibrant presence of neighbors, without life in the cul-de-sacs and the streets, the pressure reverts back to the nuclear family—and more specifically, to the marriage or partnership—to provide what friends, neighbors, and other families once did: games, diversions, imaginative play. And parents have lost some of the fellowship provided by other adults.

Parenthood has simply completed his transformation into an efficiency-seeking Scud missile.

This may be the reason Clint believes he does 50 percent of the child care. He counts it as child care if he’s doing one thing and the kids are doing another, so long as they’re safe. Whereas Angie feels obliged to immerse herself completely in their world.

As an anthropologist, Mead was familiar with many different kinds of family structures and child-rearing philosophies. What struck her as different about American parents was that they didn’t know what particular goal they were steering their children toward.