It's Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered

by Lysa TerKeurst

It was my moment to be the painter instead of the observer. It was my moment to face disappointment from the angle of an artist. And to be the painter I would both display my ability but even more scary expose my inability. I came across a quote from the book Art and Fear that says it best: “Making art provides uncomfortably accurate feedback about the gap that inevitably exists between what you intended to do, and what you did.”3 And the gap never stays silent. It reverberates with commentary. Sadly, for too many of us it’s a negative commentary. This is such a ploy of Satan. He loves to take a beautiful moment of life and fill it with a negative narrative about our failures that plays over and over until the voice of God is hushed. Satan perverts the reality that we are beloved children of God. He wants our thoughts to be tightly entangled in his thoughts.

These are his thoughts. This is his script: Not. Good. Enough. We hear it when we try to create. We hear it when we try to be brave and start anything new. We hear it when we try to overcome what has been and step into what could be.

Remember, while God converts with truth, the enemy perverts the truth. God wants us transformed, ...

This paralyzing lie is one of his favorite tactics to keep you disillusioned by disappointments. Walls go up, emotions run high, we get guarded, defensive, demotivated, and paralyzed by the endless ways we feel doomed to fail. This is when we quit.

I was struggling to make peace with my painting creation, because I was struggling to make peace with myself as God’s creation. Anytime we feel not good enough we deny the powerful truth that we are a glorious work of God in progress.

So, as unfinished creations, of course everything we touch will have imperfections. Everything we attempt will have imperfections. Everything we accomplish will have imperfections. And that’s when it hit me: I expect a perfection in me and a perfection in others that not even God Himself expects. If God is patient with the process, why can’t I be?

We must get to this place of self-compassion if we ever hope to have true, deep compassion for others. Disappointment begs us to be secretly disgusted with everything and everyone who has gaps, everything and everyone who also wrestles with the “not good enough” script. But what if, instead of being so epically disappointed with everyone, we saw in them the need for compassion?

If he can distract us with the negative narrative of “not good enough,” we will miss the metanarrative, the grand overarching story of redemption in which God intends for us all to play a crucial role. Understand that no time showing up and bringing compassion to another human is ever a waste of time. Rather, it’s our chance to bring context, purpose, and meaning to all of life. Quiet moments of compassion are epic moments of battle. They happen when we hush the chaos and shame of Satan with the truth of Revelation 12:11: “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.” Jesus has brought the blood. We must bring the word of our testimony.

Just as breaking bread with another hungry human feeds our bodies with nourishment, breaking secrecy with another hurting human feeds our souls with compassion. We

It’s so much more freeing to simply show up and be a finder of the good. Break from the secret disappointments. Let my brain venture down the tiny little opening of love. A sliver of light sweetness in this world wrought with dark judgments, disgruntled comments, jagged-edged opinions, and lofty huffs of disgust. As I took in painting after painting at that art show, I showed up. And, finally, I realized what makes paintings so delightful. It’s their imperfections. We already know a painting isn’t going to look like a photograph. And that’s what makes it art. It’s been touched by a human. It’s been created by someone whose hands sweat and who can’t possibly transfer divine perfection from what her corneas see to what her fingertips can create.

will we see the human behind the ink? The heart that dared to hold the brush dripping with color. Remember that she was the courageous one. That she was the one who showed up. Took the risk. Braved the secret disappointments of others. And lived. And made her mark.

I like that word compassion. It’s being aware that all of us fear the imperfections deeply carved into our naked selves. We all cover up. And then we all get stripped bare when the wins become losses. Who do you want standing near you in those moments dripping with disappointment and saturated with sorrow?

Nope. It’s those clothed with garments of understanding. They have personally experienced that this life between two gardens can sometimes make it excruciatingly painful to simply be human. They keep in mind the Bible’s instructions, as we rub shoulders human to human. “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12).

We are to put on each of these things every day like a painter puts on color he knows will connect his creation with others. God wants you, His creation, to connect with others and bring them light and life with the brush strokes of compassion. Note that compassion is listed first in Colossians 3:12. It’s from a heart of compassion that kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience naturally flow. Just as the best paintings have the most distinct focal point, God wants you and me, His favorite creations, to have the focal point of compassion.

near you in the battles of life. She wears well the scars of suffering and can’t wait to tell you her survival story so you, too, can survive. She has great compassion toward every created thing, whether it be covered in paint or flesh or dust.

The only way to gain more of this compassion is to pick up a paintbrush for yourself and sit in the seat of your own suffering. If you have ever experienced an unexpected darkness, a silence and stillness you aren’t used to, know that these hard times, these devastating disappointments, these seasons of suffering are not for nothing. They will grow you. They will shape you. They will soften you. They will allow you to experience God’s comfort and compassion. But you will find life-giving purpose and meaning when you allow God to take your painful experiences and comfort others. You will be able to share a unique hope because you know exactly what it feels like to be them.

People need you. People need me. People need to know God’s compassion is alive and well and winning the epic battle of good versus evil. People need to know redemption is more than just a word.

Put some paint on the emptiness. Color-correct your perspective. Forget the cravings for comfort zones. Trade your comfort for compassion. Don’t welcome hardness of heart as easiness of life. Get wet with paint. Put the brush to the canvas. Own it. Declare yourself a painter. And when someone steals all the lines from your coloring book, determine to color the world anyhow with the same generosity of compassion that God offers every day.

We are imperfect because we are unfinished. REMEMBER: • While God converts with Truth, the enemy perverts the Truth. • God wants us transformed, but Satan wants us paralyzed. • To create means that I look a little bit like my Creator. • God doesn’t expect perfection, so we shouldn’t expect it from ourselves and others. • We must get to a place of self-compassion if we hope to ever have true, deep compassion for others. • Quiet moments of compassion are epic moments of battle. • We must trade our “live up” mentality for a “show up” one. • People need to know God’s compassion is alive and well and winning the epic battle of good versus evil. RECEIVE: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3–4) Also read: Colossians 3:12 Revelation 12:11 REFLECT: • When people see you, do they see the compassion of their Creator? How so? • How many times have you let imperfections cause you to be too hard on yourself and too harsh with others? • What might it look like in your daily life for you to bring compassion as you show up for others? Father, I don’t want to let disappointment and heartbreak cause me to approach this life more cautious than creative. More critical than compa...

Sometimes, you just have to let people you love have their journey on one side of the street and have yours on the other side of the street.

I’m desperate to see a promise fulfilled right now. I want God to magically make a bridge appear around the tightrope, so I don’t have to walk so slowly and be so scared as I make my way to the other side of all this. I want the promised blessing of Psalm 40:4: “Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD.” I forget that this kind of trusting in God is often forged in the crucible of longsuffering. God isn’t picking on me. God is picking me to personally live out one of His promises. I know I must walk through God’s process before I see His fulfilled promise.

To hope is to acknowledge reality in the very same breath that I acknowledge God’s sovereignty. REMEMBER: • When things stay hard for a long time, every day feels more like walking on a tightrope than a solid and secure road into the future. • My hope is tied to the unchanging promise of God. • I know I must walk through God’s process before I see His fulfilled promise. • God isn’t picking on me. God is picking me to personally live out one of His promises. • I’ve got to walk through the low places of the process before I’m perfectly equipped to live the promise. • Not only is His presence in the process, but there’s also a purpose in the process. • The process isn’t a cruel way to keep you from the promise; it’s the exact preparation you’ll need to handle the promise. • God is far more interested in your being prepared than in your being comfortable. RECEIVE: And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. (1 Peter 5:10) Also read: Job 42 Psalm 40:1–4 2 Corinthians 12:9–10 Colossians 1:9–11 James 1:2–4 REFLECT: • Think back on what we talked about regarding God’s presence, process, purpose, preparation, and promise. How does this help you with your own disappointments? • Consider the list of verses that speaks to the process. Which one resonates most dee...

God doesn’t expect us to handle this. He wants us to hand this over to Him. If we keep walking around, thinking that God won’t give us more than we can handle, we set ourselves up to be suspicious of God. We know we are facing things that are too much for us. We are bombarded with burdens. We are weighed down with wondering. And we are all trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. Before we can move forward in a healthy way, we must first acknowledge the truth about our insufficiency.

The story I started telling myself was that life would never get any better. My mind became fixated on all that pointed to this season of suffering being my new normal.

I couldn’t escape my realities. I had to face them. I had to walk through them. But maybe if I changed my thinking I could trust God in the midst of them.

You see, we’re all living out a story, but then there’s the story we tell ourselves. We just need to make sure what we’re telling ourselves is the right story. And the right story is, yes, God will give us more than we can handle. But He always has eventual good in mind.

We see more and more unnecessary heartbreak. But God sees the exact pieces and parts that must be added right now to protect us, provide for us, and prepare us with more and more of His strength working through us. We don’t have to like it, but maybe knowing this can help us live through it.

Take this, Lord, and shatter it just right, so I can be made stronger, more beautiful, and able to withstand fires as never before. I believe that You see things I cannot see. And You have eventual good in mind.

When we hit the place in our lives where we finally realize some things are truly more than we can handle, we will throw our hands up in surrender. And that surrender can happen in one of two ways.

We might surrender to the enemy, giving in to those feelings that this isn’t fair, God isn’t there, and God isn’t good. Or, we can surrender to God. This kind of surrender isn’t giving in; it’s giving up! Giving up carrying the weight of all that’s too much for us to our God, who not only can carry it but use it for good. When we know the truth about the amazing things God can do with the dust and the potsherds of life, we won’t surrender to the negative lies of the enemy. Instead, we will lift our hands to the Potter.

God is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do. But to partner with Him in His work of transformation in our lives, we must seek Him with all our hearts. It’s our choice whether we stay stuck in our hurt or get renewed in our hearts.

When we seek God, we see God. We don’t see His physical form, but we see Him at work and can start to see more of what He sees. Trust grows. If our hearts are willing to trust Him, He will entrust to us more and more of His perspective. Matthew 5:8 teaches us, “blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” If we want to see Him in our circumstances and see His perspective, we must seek Him, His ways, and His Word. That’s where we find His good plans and promises for hope and a future.

But the truth is, God is closer than we often realize. He sees things we don’t see, and He knows things we don’t know. He has a perspective from where He sits that allows Him to see all things—the past, the present, and the future—from the day we are conceived to the day we return to dust and even beyond that into eternity.

Impossible, when looked at in light of Shaunti’s note, could be completely different if I just stuck a little apostrophe between the first two letters. Then it becomes I’m-Possible. God is the great I AM. Therefore, He is my possibility for hope and healing.

God doesn’t expect us to handle this. He wants us to hand this over to Him. REMEMBER: • God doesn’t want us to rally more of our own strength. He wants us to rely solely on His strength. • If we keep walking around thinking that God won’t give us more than we can handle, we set ourselves up to be suspicious of God. • God is making something beautiful out of my life. • Surrendering to God isn’t giving in—it’s giving up! Giving up carrying the weight of all that’s too much for us to our God. • It’s our choice whether we stay stuck in our hurt or get renewed in our hearts. • God isn’t far off and distant. He’s closer than we often realize. • Is this news or truth? • The restoration that is impossible with man’s limitations is always possible for a limitless God. RECEIVE: We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. (2 Corinthians 1:8–9) Also read: Job 2:7–10 Psalm 25:5 Isaiah 45:9; 46:3–4, 9–11 Jeremiah 29:10–14 Matthew 5:8 1 Corinthians 10:13 Truth verses: Psalm 32:7; 73:23; 146:6; Isaiah 41:10; John 14:6 REFLECT: • In what ways are you questioning how God is making your life stronger ...

Weak moments don’t make weak faith. Weak moments make us even more aware of our need to press in to faith. A faith in God that helps us know that what we see isn’t all there is. Weak moments are also clues telling us what needs to be addressed right now in this part of the journey. Don’t beat yourself up for weak moments. But don’t ignore them either.

I was having a hard time finding a reasonable rhythm for my breath. I wanted this person away from me. At the same time I wanted them to come close and declare their question idiotic and take it back. I wanted them to read my mind and tell me I was right to feel this way and then suddenly present me a legally binding document by which they could swear they’d never ever hurt me again. Give me a guarantee for safety or give me the death of our relationship!

As I type these words, I can look back on the situation and see how much I was blowing everything out of proportion. But in the heat of the moment these feelings felt like the most logical thoughts I’d ever had. My most irrational thoughts gathered up all the hurt from what was in these files and held it up to the spark of hurt from the unexpected question I was being asked. And soon a roaring fire burst into existence. Unresolved past hurts make for fantastic kindling of the most tragic kind.

Sometimes these labels protect us from toxic people. But sometimes they prevent us from truly forgiving and moving forward with even our healthy relationships. There’s wisdom in knowing the difference.

Maybe you, too, have these derailing moments in the midst of all the progress you’ve made. This isn’t an indication that your healing isn’t working. It’s just an indication that you’re a human still holding on to some hurt that needs to be resolved. And I am too.

I’ve got some perspectives hindering me. I’ve got some unresolved hurts holding me back. There are still files in my mind that need to be cleaned out and cleared away. Otherwise, my efforts to move forward will have cords of attachment to my past hurt that are always threatening to pull me back and take me down.

To be able to run free, we must do three things: • We are to throw off what hinders us. • We are to stay free of the entanglements of sin. • We are to persevere by keeping our eyes on Jesus, who is the author of our story of faith.

While his story and his blessings are unique to him, rest assured when you are chosen for suffering, you are chosen for the blessing of displaying the works of God as well. What if the worst parts of your life are actually gateways to the very best parts you’d never want to do without?

Because being chosen for suffering feels like God is causing bad things to happen to you. It’s a lot of pain with no up-front reward. But remember, God isn’t causing this; He’s allowing it. God isn’t picking on us. He’s handpicked us to be a display of His good works here on earth. And trust me, in eternity you will want to be chosen for this. (I’ll explain this later in the book, but for now, know that your reward is coming!) If only we could see the full picture that God sees. If only we could see all the good God will surely do through us and for us. If we could even catch a glimpse of God’s perspective, I don’t think we would want to throw the book. Hang our heads. Shake our fists. Stomp our feet. Or continue logging all of those past hurts. I think we would simply say, “Okay, God chose me for this. And I can trust Him to lead me to it, through it, and past it. What feels horrible this day will be so very honorable that day.”

What if the worst parts of your life are actually gateways to the very best parts you’d never want to do without? REMEMBER: • Sometimes hardship happens not because of what you’ve done but because of something God is doing. • When you are chosen for suffering, you are chosen for the blessing of displaying the works of God. • God isn’t causing this pain and suffering—He’s allowing it. • Sin entangles and strangles our ability to run this race of life well. • My deepest desperation can lead to a great revelation from God. • God will use suffering to shape us, mold us, and make us even better prepared for our purpose. • When we are afflicted, we are being made more effective! • In the end, not only will our suffering produce perseverance—endurance for our race—but it will bring forth hope. RECEIVE: Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1–2) Also read: Psalm 51:1–15 John 9:1–7, 35–38 Romans 5:1–4 REFLECT: • What heavy weights are hindering you and need to be thrown off? (Hebrews 12:1) • What sins are easily entangling you? (He...

I knew the enemy was doing what he does best: stealing, killing, destroying (John 10:10). When he sniffs out our interest in dangerous desires, he prowls around us with great intentionality. He doesn’t know our thoughts, but he can certainly see when we start entertaining sinful possibilities and flirting with compromise.

Sin is such a lie. It promises to fill the gaps of our disappointments with satisfaction. In reality, it just goes straight to our hearts and fills them with shame. If only we could see from the outset what the choice of sin will do to us. As Ravi Zacharias said, “Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.”5

Yes, sin is a lie, and its subtle suggestions are being whispered into your ears and mine right now by the one with death on his breath. But we don’t have to simply sit and take it, trying our best not to listen. We can do something about it.

As I said, the enemy can’t read our minds. However, he can study our patterns and hear our expressed disappointments. He knows our disappointments create pain and our brains demand something to ease every ache. This is a perfect doorway through which Satan can enter in with his evil enticements and temptations. I wish every temptation had a warning label on it, so we’d know what we were getting ourselves into. Your warning label might look like this if you’re tempted to overspend: “You will begin to look at other people’s lives and see all the shiny, new things they have. It will start off as a small seed of jealousy that will grow until you rationalize that you deserve those things too. You will make an extra purchase online and bend the monthly budget just a smidge. But it won’t stop there. Sin and secrecy have ravenous appetites. Before you know it, you’ll be hiding credit card bills from your husband, being dishonest in your relationships, and facing a growing amount of debt. Your seemingly small decisions today will not only affect you, but they’ll ultimately lead to the division and possibly destruction of your family and the peace you took for granted.” Or maybe you’re tempted to gossip, and your warning label would say this: “You will convince yourself it’s okay to share one juicy detail about someone with a friend, as long as you follow it up with, ‘But don’t tell anyone.’ Each time you divulge a secret that isn’t yours to tell, you’ll feel a little more accepted ...

The enemy wants us to think the Bible is too complicated to understand and too difficult to live out. This is nothing more than an evil marketing plan crafted in the depths of hell to sell you something you don’t have to buy. Your mind was made by God; therefore, your brain is perfectly capable of receiving what it needs to receive, of reading the warning labels God has provided in His Word. And even if your brain doesn’t understand some things, your soul is made by God to respond to Truth. You don’t have to be a scholar. You just have to be created by God. And you are that. Therefore, you can receive God’s Word, and His Word will achieve all the wonderful purposes meant for you.