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Before we get started, there are a few things you should know about me: I am both broke and lazy—a terrible combination. I am perpetually awkward at parties and in an effort to relax will probably end up drinking until I’m topless. I tend to like animals more than people. I can always be counted on to do or say the worst possible thing in a delicate moment.
I charmed him with a dazed “You are the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, and I would be honored to give you sex tonight.”
when I meet someone I love, I become an octopus and wind my tentacles around their heart, tighter and tighter until they can’t deny they love me just the same.
I swear my mouth and my brain are siblings who hate each other and give each other wedgies in the form of mortifying moments
“I think the fact that I’m a maniac is partly why I’m your favorite.”
“She’s named Winnie the Poodle,” Mom reminds me. “Already ruined.”
“My rabbit is Janis Hoplin.”
“We’re having a playdate?” She nods, laughing. “But with beer.”
“I wouldn’t turn down ice cream.”
“If you go that direction you are going to get tennis elbow because that is a lot of phone sex.” I lick a drip of chocolate from my cone and as an afterthought add, “Good thing you’re a physical therapist.”
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. I hate having to be the grown-up in situations like this.
“A pipe burst, and normally I’d be making lots of terrible sex jokes about that, but really, it just sucks.”
“She’s been having sex with a dude named Darby?” Anger twists hotly inside me. “Exactly.” She lets out a bursting cackle. “Tabby and Darby. That’s too dumb, even for Disney.”
“Don’t ever sneak into a house when a woman is there alone, or you’ll risk getting an umbrella to the face.” “It’s my house, dumb-ass.”
“I tend to be too chatty, too silly, too exuberant, too random, too eager.”
“You just left the happy bubble.” “Just remembered I’m an idiot.”
Me, I work to not feel stupid most of the time. I don’t always understand the best way to interact with other humans.”
“I tend to get too excited, I realize that, and I say all the wrong things. I have zero chill. So yeah, guys have made me feel stupid about a trillion times.”
“I realize that finding the perfect person isn’t going to be easy for me because I’m a lot to take,” she says, “but I’m not going to change just so that I’m more datable.”
Seriously, if it weren’t for my mom and her thriving garden, I’d probably have scurvy by now.
Don’t you want a companion—not even just for sex, but for hanging out and talking and enjoying life? Getting your dick played with would just be a bonus!”
I’m not sure I’d describe it as fun, but it was definitely something.
“Shouldn’t there be a certain level of public acknowledgment when you’ve seen a person’s genitals?”
I’m at the stage in the technology setup process where I’m whimpering and facedown on the living room floor when my phone chimes from the corner I threw it into not long ago.
I’m getting definite Ms. Frizzle vibes, a look I wouldn’t have guessed I’d be into, but one glance at Hazel’s long, delicate neck and the smooth gloss of her ponytail and… well, here we are.
“I didn’t fall in the river, I was more or less pushed.” “By gravity.”
every guy I like ends up deciding I’m too wild or weird after a couple weeks.
loved her in the way we love in high school, sort of intensely, idealistically, and without knowing each other all that well.”
Drunk giggly Josh is my favorite, but drunk confident Josh is my new religion.
and nothing—I mean nothing—scares me more than the idea of us dating and him deciding that I’m too wild, too weird, too chaotic. Too much.
That word—love—feels like a wrecking ball.
We both know Hazel is a butterfly. I think you have the power to take the dust from her wings.”
Friend cock! Not for you!—
“Did you know there are, like, seven thousand nerves in the head of the penis?” she gasps. “More than any other part of your body?”
Winnie comes up, gives Tyler a cursory sniff, and proceeds to look at me like I’m a trollop and a traitor. Unimpressed, she returns to where she was curled up by the window.
“You’re so hard.” I am a master at stating the obvious.
