Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
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Read between April 3 - April 7, 2024
3%
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meet someone I love, I become an octopus and wind my tentacles around their heart, tighter and tighter until they can’t deny they love me just the same.
12%
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I learned a very important thing that day: my mom would never try to change for a man, and I wouldn’t, either.
Chichi
PERIOD
13%
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The world seems full of men who are initially infatuated by our eccentricities, but who ultimately expect them to be temporary. These men eventually grow bewildered that we don’t settle down into calm, potential-wifey girlfriends.
14%
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I always wanted to be friends with him and here he is! My new friend! And he looks at me like I’m this fascinating bug. Like a beetle, not a butterfly, and it’s fine because he already has a butterfly and when you think about it, beetles are pretty great. It’s nice.” For some inexplicable reason, I repeat it again. “It’s nice.”
Chichi
Been there girl :/
23%
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“Your face is fine.” She pushes up to stand and holds out a hand. I let her help me up, and she pats my chest. “But how’s your heart?”
26%
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sense a hint of sibling rivalry as his brows come together. “Well… my Hazel, too,” he says, and I don’t have to tell you that I am freaking delighted by this. “Haze, this is my mom, Esther Im.”
40%
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surmise
Chichi
Is it over now
43%
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“What?” I say, hearing the aggressive edge to my voice. He laughs. “Nothing. Just…” “Just what?”
Chichi
LOL GO JOSH
44%
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“Lots of guys are great with other guys, and legit assholes with women.”
Chichi
Facts
44%
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I stop on my way to the kitchen, bending to plant a kiss on her forehead. “Sorry, Haze.”
Chichi
Yall r not just friends GOODBYE LOL
45%
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“You’re my person,” she says. “Thanks for sticking up for me tonight.” She gives these vulnerable words so freely it makes fondness clench at something in my chest. Taking her hand, I bring it to my mouth and press a quick kiss to the backs of her knuckles. “I like being your person.”
Chichi
AWWW
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I decide right there to make sure somebody does.
56%
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“But I don’t want things to change,”
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He doesn’t need me to change or pretend to be someone else. He’s my person. He’s my best friend.”
57%
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I’ve never had casual sex. I’ve honestly never understood the impulse; sex is so supremely intimate. I give away a nonrefundable piece of myself, every time.
Chichi
omg if only every guy thought like this
57%
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That word—love—feels like a wrecking ball.
Chichi
Real
58%
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“I think I might.” I look at Emily. “I think I might be in love with her.”
60%
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“You didn’t tell me Hazel is Hazel Bradford! Did you know she’s the love of my life?”
Chichi
WHAT LOL GOODBYE YUCK
62%
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and I imagine opening my mouth and eating his shirt, swallowing it with the chocolate bar.
Chichi
Im sorry??
63%
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Friend cock! Not for you!
Chichi
Lmaoo
65%
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I need to know she did. If the answer is no, I’m not done here.
Chichi
OKAY JOSH
66%
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And seriously, what the hell? Where is my Crazy Hazie?
Chichi
LOL AWW
73%
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Hazel shrugs, and her enormous brown eyes meet mine. “I like hanging out with you.” Emily kicks me, hard, under the table, and Dave’s foot reaches diagonally across and steps on mine. I kick at them both, and Emily lets out a little yelp.
Chichi
LOL
74%
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I can’t help but push. “What did you call her in college?” Tyler smirks. “ ‘Babe.’ ”
Chichi
BURNN
77%
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I dance away the feeling that I’m in love with Josh, and am prolonging his rejection because I know it will slaughter me.
77%
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Tyler leans in. “You’re… being sort of embarrassing.”
Chichi
Hell no ur done
78%
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It’s only been six months since we started hanging out, but already it feels like he’s this redwood in the forest of my life, and so starting at the beginning is bewildering.
79%
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miss Hazel. I’d buy a lifetime supply of fire extinguishers and eat bad pancakes every day to have her around again.
81%
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“But I love who she is,” I say simply.
87%
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There’s nothing I can do tonight. I just need to breathe.
89%
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To fall in love, to be loved. The reality that we are together now is enough by itself to make my breath grow tight and hot in my chest.
91%
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I sit down beside my wife as she asks, “Did you?”
Chichi
WIFE?? OMG I CRYING NOW
92%
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I’m an optimist; I always anticipated having a good life. But to have dreamed something like this would have felt enormously selfish.