You Let Me In

by Lucy Clarke

People don’t understand that it’s not falling asleep that’s the problem. It’s staying asleep. If only there was just a switch for my mind, some way of turning it off, or at least turning down the volume; instead, as the night draws deeper, worries begin to stir, stretch, wake.

‘Don’t trust any thoughts you have between two a.m. and five a.m. It’s like listening to your drunk self.’

My house is my sanctuary: uncluttered, ordered. Everything has its place – and that gives me a sense of security, of calm. It’s the rest of my life that’s in chaos.

‘The best story to tell – the only story to tell – is the one living within you, inhabiting you, insisting that it be heard.’

‘Life shouldn’t be reduced to filtered images and captions, should it? It’s about birth and death and that beautiful, brutal stretch of time between.’

Scientists reported that one in three people felt dissatisfied with their lives after visiting Facebook. It encourages seeking behaviour, greatly affecting dopamine levels and the neuropathways of the brain after just a few minutes’ use. Imagine that. Mark Zuckerberg has made something so powerful that it can change the chemistry of the brain.

There are moments in life when a situation or an individual that has previously felt known to you will swing round and surprise you so completely that it knocks the very breath from your lungs. Those moments – if they come – alter you, cause you to doubt yourself, your judgement, your safety.

The needle has slipped from the record and the wrong song is playing. But no one else in the room has noticed. Everyone continues to dance, and I am standing here in the centre, waiting for someone, anyone, to realise that my smile isn’t real.

‘Inspiration gets you off the starting blocks, but to make it to the finish line you need tenacity, determination, and grit.’

“And though she be but little, she be fierce.” A Midsummer’s Night Dream