Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

by Esther Perel

we think of intimacy primarily as a discursive process, one that involves self-disclosure, the trustful sharing of our most personal and private material—our feelings. Of course, it is as much about listening as it is about telling. The receiver of these revelations must be a loving, accepting, nonjudgmental partner—a “good listener,” empathetic and validating.

Intimacy and oversharing

centuries of limited access to power have made us experts in relationship-building.

One time for the ladies!

The feminization of intimacy, with its emphasis on open and honest dialogue, provides the resources necessary to meet the demands of modern relationships.

Intimacy becomes intrusion rather than closeness—intimacy with an injunction. “You have to listen to me.”

Deprived of enigma, intimacy becomes cruel when it excludes any possibility of discovery. Where there is nothing left to hide, there is nothing left to seek.

she sees it instead as a quality of interaction that takes place in isolated moments and that exists both within and without long-term commitment.

Intimacy

Elizabeth wants to be manhandled, told what to do—as if, through her erotic self, she can correct an imbalance in her life and replenish something vital.

I wasn’t constantly on guard not to be sucked up by the relationship.”

Being loved makes her feel safe. Being wanted does the same.

The more diffuse and uncrunchable aspects of sexual expression—love, intimacy, power, surrender, sensuality, and excitement—rarely

We are no longer talking about the art of sex; rather, we are talking about the mechanics of sex.

Sensuality simply doesn’t lend itself to the rigors of scorekeeping.

eroticism is inefficient. It loves to squander time and resources.

it’s the act of choosing, the freedom involved in choosing, that keeps a relationship alive.

between what we’re encouraged to want and what we’re allowed to have.

I’m not talking only about deep love; I’m also talking about basic care and appreciation for another person.

This entire culture is profoundly uncomfortable with vulnerability and dependency. Good intimate sex requires both.”

I go through periods of being addicted to that excitement, but I also go through periods when I recognize how superficial it all is and I want a deeper connection with someone.

a healthy sense of entitlement is a prerequisite for erotic intimacy.”

The problem arises when they become trapped in a linear, goal-oriented focus on intercourse and orgasm that bypasses eroticism.

When we can be present for both love and sex, we transcend the battleground of Puritanism and hedonism.

He doesn’t know how to experience the open range of lust in the context of emotional care.

the experiences that caused us the most pain in childhood sometimes become the greatest sources of pleasure and excitement later on.

The body is the purest, most primal tool we have for communicating.

Erotic intimacy is an act of generosity and self-centeredness, of giving and taking.

We need to be able to connect without the terror of obliteration, and we need to be able to experience our separateness without the terror of abandonment.

you can be close to someone—intimate, caring, secure—without feeling sacrificed in the process.

Precipitating the grand finale isn’t so much the point as savoring the mutual trust and intimacy along the way.

unavailable partner provides a protective limit—if you can’t get too close to a person, you need not fear entrapment or loss of self.

Loving another without losing ourselves is the central dilemma of intimacy.

In order to be one, you must first be two.

Female eroticism is diffuse, not localized in the genitals but distributed throughout the body, mind, and senses. It is tactile and auditory, linked to smell, skin, and contact;

We no longer get work out of our children; today we get meaning.

American individualism, with its emphasis on autonomy and personal responsibility, has left us between a rock and a hard place with regard to family life.

You can’t force desire, but you can create an atmosphere where desire might unfurl.

Reconnecting with her erotic self, separate from her maternal self, is crucial.

The liberation that so bolstered women’s sexuality has yet to cross the threshold of motherhood, which has not lost the aura of morality and even sanctity that it always had.

Some people get off on peeking behind the curtain of their partner’s secret imaginings;

entering the erotic mindscape of another requires an effort of understanding and a considerable degree of emotional separateness.

When we cordon off our erotic interiors, we are left with sex that is truncated, devoid of vibrancy, and not particularly intimate.

In our erotic daydreams, we find the energy that keeps us passionately awake to our own sexuality.

Monogamy, it follows, is the sacred cow of the romantic ideal, for it is the marker of our specialness: I have been chosen and others renounced.

Trouble looms when monogamy is no longer a free expression of loyalty but a form of enforced compliance.

This the one! when is the line crossed?

The fantasy of infinite variety is thwarted by commitment.

chosen to acknowledge the possibility of the third: the recognition that our partner has his or her own sexuality, replete with fantasies and desires that aren’t necessarily about us.

Even our most entrenched beliefs about sexuality are susceptible to revision.

“We’re trying to come up with something that works for us.

The presence of the third is a fact of life; how we deal with it is up to us. We can approach it with fear, avoidance, and moral outrage; or we can bring to it a robust curiosity and a sense of intrigue.

Acknowledging the third has to do with validating the erotic separateness of our partner.

The fruits of this ripening love—companionship, deep respect, mutuality, and care—are considered by many to be a fair trade for erotic heat.