Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

by Esther Perel

The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.

without an element of uncertainty there is no longing, no anticipation, no frisson.

We see what we want to see, what we can tolerate seeing, and our partner does the same.

separateness is a precondition for connection:

Only the free can choose to make believe.

it’s the act of choosing, the freedom involved in choosing, that keeps a relationship alive.

Working through a conflict is not the same as eliminating it.

when we were children, the stronger the connection the braver we are about stretching it.

In order to be one, you must first be two.

In order to feel safe, kids need to know that there are limits to their power, and to what is surreptitiously asked of them.

Hence the psychologist Erich Fromm makes the point that we think it’s easy to love, but hard to find the right person.

Monogamy, it follows, is the sacred cow of the romantic ideal, for it is the marker of our specialness: I have been chosen and others renounced.

respect is more likely to be expressed with gentle untruths that aim at preserving the partner’s honor.

When we validate one another’s freedom within the relationship, we’re less inclined to search for it elsewhere.

Getting what we want undermines the thrill of wanting it.

The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours.

“Instead of having secrets from each other, we have secrets from the world.”