Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

by Esther Perel

Eroticism requires separateness. In other words, eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other. In order to commune with the one we love, we must be able to tolerate this void and its pall of uncertainties.

The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.

Adult intimacy has become overburdened with expectations.

passion in a relationship is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate.

Introducing uncertainty sometimes requires nothing more than letting go of the illusion of certitude. In this shift of perception, we recognize the inherent mystery of our partner.

If love is an act of imagination, then intimacy is an act of fruition.

It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy. Maybe he can love her, but it’s clearly much harder for him to desire her. There’s no tension.

Love is about having; desire is about wanting.

couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.

Where there is nothing left to hide, there is nothing left to seek.

“When the emotional connection is too intense it hinders the sex because you start confining yourself.

Aggression is the shadow side of love.

when we reduce sex to a function, we also invoke the idea of dysfunction. We are no longer talking about the art of sex; rather, we are talking about the mechanics of sex.

“We bitch about our difficulties along the rough surface of our path, we curse every sharp stone underneath, until at some point in our maturation, we finally look down to see that they are diamonds.”

But a healthy sense of entitlement is a prerequisite for erotic intimacy.”

experience our separateness without the terror of abandonment.

Is it harder to want what you already have?

Spontaneity is a fabulous idea, but in an ongoing relationship whatever is going to “just happen” already has. Now they have to make it happen.