Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

by Esther Perel

It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.

Maybe he can love her, but it’s clearly much harder for him to desire her. There’s no tension.

“You are such a caregiver that you can no longer be a lover. We need to reestablish a degree of differentiation and re-create some of the distance you had in the beginning. It’s hard to experience desire when you’re weighted down by concern.”

Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it.

Love is about having; desire is about wanting.

Intimacy has shifted from being a by-product of a long-term relationship to being a mandate for one.

“intimacy became recognized as a ‘need’ only when it became more difficult to achieve.”

In our world of instant communication, we supplement our relationships with an assortment of technological devices in the hope that all these gizmos will strengthen our connections. This social frenzy masks a profound hunger for human contact.

We naively believe that the essence of who we are is most accurately conveyed through words.

When women were no longer financially bound to their husbands, nor socially obligated to endure an unhappy union, they began to expect more from marriage.

I am often amazed at how couples can be up on the minute details of each other’s lives, but haven’t had a meaningful conversation in years. In fact, such transparency can often spell the end of curiosity.

“When you doubt your own desirability, it is harder to trust Mitch’s desire for you.”

While we expect to experience these discrete moments of recognition in ongoing relationships, they are not necessarily bound to any overarching narrative. They can be circumstantial, spontaneous, and without follow-up.

I think this is important to note and keep in mind, these moments don't just stop. People don't just stop giving you looks and wanting to get to know you better, and sometimes you might only have the one chance for your pathes to cross in that type of way. Sometimes the chemisty is best when it's completely unspoken and there's nothing more than imagination that's drawing you together and closer to someone.

someone.

I like how this chapter talked a couple that didn't even speak the same lauange in the beginning of their courtship but creatively found ways to express love and share experiences with one another. It makes me think that maybe less talking is good sometimes and that the questions can truly be overbearing and take the fun out of the plan and situation.

The harsh realities of violence, rape, sexual trafficking, child pornography, and hate crimes require that we keep a tight rein on the abuses of power that pervade the politics of sex.

Female sexual pleasure could not be set free until women were relatively safe from the traditional and very real dangers associated with sex. Sexually transmitted diseases, rape, and unwanted pregnancy brought not only shame but also ruination, and childbirth always carried the threat of fatality.

the point of fantasy is that it allows you to transcend the moral and psychological constraints of your everyday life.”

All power relationships, all desires either to dominate or submit, have their psychological roots in the fact that we were all once little children with big parents, and their existential roots in our feelings of being small people in an out-of-control big world that we need to be able to tame.”

Yet each time they’ve considered parting, they’ve realized that they may find a better sexual match, but not a better life partner.

In fact, the carefully negotiated contracts, which specify what can and cannot be done, by whom, to whom, and for how long, are meant to guarantee both pleasure and safety. You submit only as much as you’re willing; you dominate only as far as you’re allowed.

But I also know that aggression, as a human emotion, cannot be purged from human interactions, especially not among those who love each other. Aggression is the shadow side of love. It is also an intrinsic component of sexuality, and it can never be entirely excised from sexual relationships.

In my work with couples, I aim to uncover dynamics of power.

I honestly think this is an interesting notation. There is a power exchange within relationships wether it's spoken or unspoken, unconcious or conciously acknowledged throughout the relationship. This statement has made me think about why power struggles happen in relationships. Is it because there's an issue between what one person needs vs what one person is willing to do? (believe's that they should have to) (i even went to google to get a better idea of what power exchanges even mean) Examples of power exchange relationships include instances where partners agree to a negotiated and consensual exchange of decision-making, control, or responsibilities in a relationship, such as a dominant partner making all financial decisions for the household. Unlike unhealthy power dynamics that can involve control or abuse, power exchange in a healthy relationship is consensual, with clear rules, expectations, and limits for all parties involved. Feminism impacts power exchange relationships by emphasizing informed consent, mutual respect, and deconstructing traditional power dynamics that often lead to abuse. It challenges harmful gender stereotypes and promotes communication to ensure that any chosen power exchange is consensual and ethical, rather than a replication of patriarchal power imbalances or coercive control. While some interpretations of feminism and BDSM clash, a feminist approach to power exchange seeks to create a space where individuals can explore these dynamics safely and equitably, grounded in a thorough understanding of trust and communication. (https://mytherapynyc.com/power-exchange-relationships/#:~:text=Couple%20rules%20like%2C%20always%20being,expectation%20of%20punishment%20if%20broken.)

From magazine articles to self-help books, we are encouraged to view a lack of sex in our relationships as a scheduling issue that demands better prioritizing and time management, or as a consequence of poor communication.

Newsweek magazine tells us that the experts currently define a sexless marriage as one in which couples have sex no more than ten times a year.

when we reduce sex to a function, we also invoke the idea of dysfunction.

Sensuality simply doesn’t lend itself to the rigors of scorekeeping.

even the most idealized creature ultimately turns out to be merely human, and therefore flawed.

Despite living in a time of unprecedented sexual freedom in America, the practice of policing sexuality has continued unabated since the days of the Puritans.

This sexual conservatism is rooted in the Puritan tradition, with its deep suspicion of pleasure and its moralistic attitude toward anything that strays from heterosexual, monogamous, marital, reproductive sexuality.

The legacy of Puritanism, which locates the family at the center of society, expects marriage to be reasonable, sober, and productive. You work, you save, and you plan. You take your commitments seriously. But alongside this very American notion of individual responsibility and moderation is the equally apple-pie notion of individual freedom.

Can our modern-day relationships ever be strong enough to withstand the siren song of unlimited pleasure?

It’s also worth noting that in Europe, teenagers engage in sexual activity an average of two years later than their American counterparts, and the rate at which teenagers give birth is a staggering eight times less. How is it that American society, with such a clear bias against teen sex, produces such a statistical embarrassment?

A society that sees sex as soiled does not make sex go away. Instead, this kind of anxious atmosphere breeds guilt and shame in its more extreme version, or a generalized discomfort in its more ubiquitous expression.

I think that might be the heart of the issue for my whole generation, this lack of trust. We were taught to rely on ourselves, not to depend on others.”

They have found that their history of sexual nomadism is no help in meeting the challenge of sustaining sexual vitality with one person over time. They view sex before marriage and sex after marriage as entirely different realities. Single sex isn’t supposed to prepare you for committed sex. If anything, it’s seen as the last hurrah before a lifetime of sexual decline.

One aspect of the erotic blueprint that illustrates the irrationality of our desire is that what excites us most often arises from our childhood hurts and frustrations.

LMAO GIVE IT UP FOR THE PEOPLE THAT LIKE TO BE SPANKED

What language conceals is said through my body.

The body is a memory bank for the sensual pleasures of the skin.

our bodies remember what our minds may have chosen to forget, both light and dark.

We need to be able to connect without the terror of obliteration, and we need to be able to experience our separateness without the terror of abandonment.

The price of love does not have to be personal obliteration.

the frustration that people can experience when the body is not touched, stroked, held, and pleasured drives people up a wall. What you then get is arousal transformed into rage.”

We are socialized to control ourselves, to restrain our impulses, to tame the animal within. So as dutiful citizens and spouses we edit ourselves and mask our ravenous appetites and conceal our fleeting need to objectify the one we love.

In order to be one, you must first be two.

The making of a family calls for a redistribution of resources and, for a while, there seems to be less for the couple: less time, less communication, less sleep, less money, less freedom, less touch, less intimacy, less privacy.

Family life flourishes in an atmosphere of comfort and consistency. Yet eroticism resides in unpredictability, spontaneity, and risk.

Many women struggle to integrate sexuality and motherhood. Ours is a culture that equates maternal devotion with selflessness: self-sacrifice, self-abnegation, self-denial.

“Planning can seem prosaic, but in fact it implies intentionality, and intentionality conveys value. When you plan for sex, what you’re really doing is affirming your erotic bond. It’s what you did when you were dating. Think of it as prolonged foreplay—from twenty minutes to two days.”

In a way we reproduce, be it biologically or through the other ways we create a family, so as not to die.

There is the sexual invisibility of the American mother, which is so deeply rooted in our psyche that men and women alike conspire to deny maternal sexuality.

I honestly find this point interesting because of the concept of a MILF. I know that it's not as popular as a woman without children, but I'd argue that women with them are still as desirable, maybe more so depending on the person.