Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

by Esther Perel

Spontaneity is a fabulous idea, but in an ongoing relationship whatever is going to “just happen” already has. Now they have to make it happen.

“I used to think that it was a matter of being in the mood, but I was disabused of that idea a long time ago. Waiting for the mood is like waiting for the Second Coming. I like the planning. It gives

People long for radiance. They want to feel alive.

Play, by definition, is carefree and unself-conscious.

a fundamental feature of play is that it serves no other purpose. The

we measure play by its benefits.

Yet if we’re plagued by self-awareness, obsessed with outcomes, or fearful of judgment, our enjoyment is inevitably compromised.

who get it, who maintain a sense of playfulness with each other, in and out of the bedroom. They are physically and sensually alive—two

time, eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent. It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature. We must unpack our ambivalence about pleasure, and challenge our pervasive discomfort with sexuality, particularly in the context of family.