Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

You do need to be visible. Your boss does need to like you. This is not proof of a heartless world; it’s just human nature. Hard work doesn’t pay off if your boss doesn’t know whom to reward for it.

So what’s a good balance? Every Friday send your boss an email summarizing your accomplishments for the week—nothing fancy, but quickly relating the good work you’re doing. You might think they know what you’re up to, but they’re busy. They have their own problems. They’ll appreciate it and begin to associate you with the good things they’re hearing (from you, of course). And when it’s time to negotiate for that raise (or to refresh your résumé), you can just review the emails for a reminder of why exactly you’re such a good employee.

bad behavior is strong in the short term but good behavior wins over in the long term. So to the best of your ability, make things longer term. Build more steps into the contract. Entice others with ways you can help them down the line. The more things seem like a one-off, the more incentive people have to pull one over on you. The more interactions or friends you have in common with other people, and the more likely you are to encounter them again, the more it makes sense for these people to treat you well. It’s why medieval kings married their sons and daughters off to the children of other royals. Now we’re family. We’re going to have grandchildren in common. We’re going to have to play nice.

“enlarging the shadow of the future.”

People are] always trying to discern two things: whether a potential partner can be trusted and whether he or she i...

Our culture beats us over the head with the idea that grit—sticking to something, working hard, and not quitting—is the secret to success. Often they’re right. Grit is one of the key reasons why we see such differing levels of achievement between people of the same intelligence and talent levels.

Creative individuals frame their experiences. Such people are highly ambitious, and they do not always succeed, by any means. But when they fail, they do not waste much time lamenting; blaming; or, at the extreme, quitting. Instead, regarding the failure as a learning experience, they try to build upon its lessons in their future endeavors.

“The capacity to continue trying despite repeated setbacks was associated with a more optimistic outlook on life in 31 percent of people studied, and with greater life satisfaction in 42 percent of them.”

sometimes quitting is the smartest choice. And giving up, when done right, can make you a huge success too.

The Navy didn’t need more strong or macho guys. But it might have been smarter to recruit a lot more insurance salesmen. Yes, insurance salesmen. Hold on to that thought for a second.

In your head, you say between three hundred and a thousand words every minute to yourself. Those words can be positive (I can do it) or negative (Oh god, I can’t take this anymore). It turns out that when these words are positive, they have a huge effect on your mental toughness, your ability to keep going. Subsequent studies of military personnel back this up.

research shows that salespeople can be hired based on optimism alone. Researchers found that “agents who scored in the top 10 percent [of optimism] sold 88 percent more than the most pessimistic tenth.”

We give up, rationalize, accept our fate . . . but then occasionally wonder why we didn’t do better or do more. But we’re not always right that we “can’t do it.” Sometimes there’s a way out that we didn’t see because we gave up.

What’s interesting is that in similar studies of people, one in three did not become helpless. They kept trying to figure out why the shocks were happening and what they could do. They thought every failure was an anomaly and they kept going. And it’s only reasonable that these people end up either (1) utterly delusional or (2) far more successful than you or I.

It all comes down to the stories you tell yourself. Some of us say “I’m not cut out for this” or “I’ve never been any good at these things.” Others say “I just need to keep working at it” or “I just need better tips on form.” In almost any scenario (other than flying like Superman) each of these four could be applied. It’s individual which one you are likely to ...

“depression is pessimism writ large.” When you keep down the path of feeling helpless again and again, you end up clinically depressed. You feel helpless at life. You give up in a much more holistic way and stop doing anything.

What’s shocking is that when asked to make predictions, depressed people are more accurate than optimists. It’s called “depressive realism.” The world can be a harsh place. Optimists lie to themselves. But if we all stop believing anything can change, nothing ever will. We need a bit of fantasy to keep us going.

When we’re optimistic, research shows we experience a host of benefits: Optimism is associated with better health and a longer life. Levels of optimism can even predict which survivors of cardiovascular disease are likely to have a second heart attack. Expecting a positive outcome from negotiations makes groups more likely to close a deal and to be happy with it. Optimists are luc...

Optimists and pessimists shape their stories of the world very differently. Seligman called this “explanatory style,” and it comes down to three Ps: permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization.

Pessimists tell themselves that bad events will last a long time, or forever (I’ll never get this done); are universal (I can’t trust any of these people); and are their own fault (I’m terrible at this).

Optimists tell themselves that bad events are temporary (That happens occasionally, but it’s not a big deal ); have a specific cause and aren’t universal (When the weather is better that won’t be a problem); and are...

Seligman found that when you shift your explanatory style from pessimistic to optimistic it makes you feel ...

Optimistic explanatory style predicted success.

What Viktor Frankl realized was that in the most awful place on Earth, the people who kept going despite the horrors were the ones who had meaning in their lives: A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the “why” for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any “how.”

“What is to give light must endure burning.” And we don’t give up. It’s the stories we tell ourselves that keep us going. They can be a higher truth. Or, in many cases, they don’t need to be true at all.

Daniel Kahneman won the Nobel Prize for his work on cognitive biases. Those are little hardwired shortcuts in our brains that help speed up decision-making. They’re usually helpful but not always rational. One example is loss aversion. Rationally, gaining a dollar should be as pleasurable as losing a dollar is painful. But that’s not how our minds work. Losing a dollar bothers us a lot more than earning a dollar makes us feel good. It makes sense; losing too much can mean death but gaining a lot . . . well, it’s nice but quickly results in diminishing returns. So evolution has wired us to fear losses a lot more than we love gains.

Cognitive biases prevent us from understanding cognitive biases.

Our brains are wired to try to make sense of things. Meaning is part of our operating system. We need to think the world makes sense and that we have control. The brain doesn’t like randomness.

Meaning, for the human mind, comes in the form of the stories we tell ourselves about the world. This is why so many people believe in fate or say things were “meant to be.” Having a story about the meaning of life helps us to cope with hard times. Not only do we naturally see the world this way, but frankly we can’t not tell stories. If I asked you how your day was or how you met your spouse, what would you tell me? A story. What’s your résumé? A story. You even tell stories when you sleep: dreams. And research shows you have about two thousand daydreams every day, telling yourself little stories about this or that. For nearly every area of your life, like career or relationships, you have a story you tell yourself about it. But rarely are these consciously or deliberately constructed.

Stories are the invisible undercurrent that promotes success in a shocking number of the most important areas of life.

What best predicts the success of romantic relationships? It’s not sex or money or having the same goals. Researcher John Gottman realized that just hearing how the couple told the tale of their relationship together predicted with 94 percent accuracy whether or not they’d get divorced.

What’s the best predictor of your child’s emotional well-being? It’s not great schools, hugs, or Pixar movies. Researchers at Emory University found that whether a kid knew th...

Jews and Christians have parables. Hindus and Buddhists have sutras. Nearly all religious leaders give sermons. Stories, stories, stories. They remind us how to behave and help us persist. Even if we’re not religious, popular culture fills the gap.

Studies show that when we relate to characters in fictional stories we are more likely to overcome obstacles to achieve our goals.

Studies have shown that many people don’t feel good about their lives because they don’t see the good times as aligned with their vision of themselves. They want their lives to fit their stories, so when bad things happen they see that as consistent with who they are; the joyful moments are exceptions to be ignored.

people who committed suicide often weren’t in the worst circumstances, but they had fallen short of the expectations they had of themselves. Their lives were not matching the stories in their heads.

fiction makes us more “prosocial”—that is, kind and giving. It does this by making our vision of the world less accurate. Just as religion and stories of personal meaning help us cope, so do movies, TV, and other stories. Stories not only engage our minds but also quietly slip a pair of rose-colored glasses on our heads.

In economics, the term “bounded rationality” basically means that human beings aren’t perfectly rational because they always have limitations, such as how much information is available or the amount of time there is to think things through. There is too much going on in the world for our little brains to process; we must distill it.

Truly knowing oneself didn’t produce meaning but feeling one did created the results.

Optimists told themselves a story that may not have been true, but it kept them going, often allowing them to beat the odds.

“a healthy mind tells itself flattering lies.” The pessimists were more accurate and realistic, and they ended up depressed. The truth can hurt.

Pessimists outperform optimists in law school. And this same quality makes them very unhappy.

Stories aren’t perfect pictures of the world, but they allow us to succeed for this very reason. They can keep us going and become prophecy. You weren’t “born” to do anything in particular, but when your story says you were “born” to do something you perform better and persist. After all, it’s your destiny.

meaningful work is the number-one thing people want from their jobs. Yup, it beats salary and getting promoted.

“Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want a chance to change the world?” Meaningful doesn’t have to be saving orphans or curing the sick. As long as your story is meaningful to you, it has power.

So how do you find your story? There’s a really simple way to do it: just ...

Thinking about death reminds us of what is truly important in life. David Brooks makes the distinction between “résumé values” and “eulogy values.” Résumé values are the things that bring external success, like money and promotions. Eulogy values are about character: Am I kind, trustworthy, or courageous?

to serve your longer-term career and life, you need to be forward-thinking about eulogy values too. That’s where thinking about death a bit comes in.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.”

when you take a little time to think about death, you become more kind and generous to others. You put aside short-term goals for a moment and consider who you really want to be. It sounds morbid, but people who contemplate the end actually behave in healthier ways—and therefore may actually live longer.