Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

Unlike self-confidence, self-compassion doesn’t lead to delusion.

When you check the numbers, there is a solid correlation between self-esteem and narcissism, while the connection between self-compassion and narcissism is pretty much zero.

Neuroscience research shows that developing self-compassion leads to feeling compassion for others, instead of the loss of empathy that comes with overconfidence.

“Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it’s conditional.”

Studies show that taking the time to jot down nice thoughts to yourself, how you’re a fallible human and how you can see problems without turning them into emotional disasters, made people feel better and increased self-compassion. Meditation and mindfulness paid off too. Throw them into the mix for better results.

BELIEVING IN YOURSELF IS NICE. FORGIVING YOURSELF IS BETTER.

ADJUST FOR YOUR NATURAL LEVEL OF SELF-ESTEEM

ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE? EARN IT.

if you still want to focus on confidence, the surest path is to become really good at what you do.

When challenged, focus on improving your skills—not doing well or looking good.

DON’T BE A FAKER

Even if you’re successful in tricking others, this all too often leads to tricking yourself, which is the most dangerous scenario of all.

It wasn’t mere hours that made Williams so great. It was how he spent those hours.

“People who wish to do so must organize their whole lives around a single enterprise. They must be monomaniacs, even megalomaniacs, about their pursuits. They must start early, labor continuously, and never give up the cause. Success is not for the lazy, procrastinating, or mercurial.”

“Voluminous productivity is the rule and not the exception among the individuals who have made some noteworthy contributions.”

doctors and nurses don’t get much better at their jobs over time. Without a “rage to master,” like you behind the wheel, they just do their thing, hour after hour, rather than push to become experts.

“Those who stayed very involved in meaningful careers and worked the hardest, lived the longest.”

“The people who survive stress the best are the ones who actually increase their social investments in the middle of stress, which is the opposite of what most of us do.

at least with men, marriage has a noticeably negative effect on output among scientists, authors, jazz musicians, painters, and even criminals.

So burnout is the flip side of grit.

success does not lead to happiness as often as happiness leads to success.

Just as optimism keeps you going, burnout creates a pessimistic downward spiral where it’s hard to fulfill your duties because it all seems futile.

pay doesn’t increase job satisfaction.

Sometimes more isn’t even possible. Sometimes we need to relax and have fun—and maybe act a little bit crazy—to be at our best.

We’re more likely to have faith in the people we joke around with.

Here’s the problem: We love having choices. We hate making choices.

This means, almost paradoxically, that the time when it is most important to invest in building strong families and close friendships is when it appears, at the surface, as if it’s not necessary.”

You must. You need to ask What do I want? Otherwise you’re only going to get what they want.

“having it all” isn’t possible when others determine the limits in each category.

Barry Schwartz says we have to become “choosers” instead of “pickers.” A picker selects from the options available, leading us into false dichotomies created by the options we see in front of us. But a chooser “is thoughtful enough to conclude that perhaps none of the available alternatives are satisfactory, and that if he or she wants the right alternative, he or she may have to create it.”

Evaluating life by one metric turns out to be a key problem. We can’t use just one yardstick to measure a successful life.

HAPPINESS:

ACHIEVEMENT:

SIGNIFICANCE:

LEGACY:

People handle having lots of choices in two ways: by “maximizing” or “satisficing.” Maximizing is exploring all the options, weighing them, and trying to get the best. Satisficing is thinking about what you need and picking the first thing that fulfills those needs. Satisficing is living by “good enough.”

Students who were maximizers in trying to get the best job after graduation ended up better off—they got salaries that were 20 percent higher. But they ended up more unhappy with their jobs than satisficers did. Maximizers are on that treadmill of expectations and experience more regret because they always feel they could do better.

in the end, when you calculate all factors of stress, results, and effort, satisficing is actually the method that maximizes.

“Good enough is almost always good enough.”