Transcend (Transcend #1)

by Jewel E. Ann

There’s one of Nathaniel and Jenna on their wedding day at the doors to a cathedral, rose petals floating around the happy couple as they make their escape. I haven’t seen that smile from Nate in a long time. Maybe it died with his wife.

“Thank you for today. Tomorrow I’ll have Rachael explain a little better the self-soothing process we’re using with Morgan. Too much off-schedule feeding and holding today.”

Her cry echoes into the room. Nate’s shoulders tense as his jaw clenches. It’s not a fussy cry, it’s a desperate save-me cry. On instinct, I turn to go to her. “Leave her. She’ll calm down.”

We stand in the same spots for ten minutes. I know this because the clock on the microwave is in my line of view. The cries have not subsided, not even a little. They’ve grown like the anguish on Nate’s face.

“I’m going to pick her up. You can physically stop me, but I will fight you, or you can fire me, but I’m. Picking. Her. Up.”

ready to bust through my chest. As a nanny, there’s this point of no return. It’s the moment when the child matters more than the idiot parents. The point where the only way to get the nanny out of the house is to fire her because she’s not ther...

“I’m not hitting on you. I’m just reminding you that touch is a basic human need, and it’s an expression of love. If you were self-soothing you wouldn’t be seeing Dr. Greyson.” I remove my hand. “Touch is the only kind of love Morgan can feel right now. So remember that the next time you count the hours I spend holding her while you’re at work.”

If my father’s death taught me anything, it’s that last goodbyes don’t RSVP. Take lots of mental pictures of favorite moments. And being present with the ones that matter most is the wisest investment of time.

‘For now … I love you.’ She agreed to be my girlfriend until she found a real boyfriend. That went on for nearly five years.” I pick at the grass. “I was her now. She was my always. And I thought that would add up to forever.”

I think what happens to us when we’re young changes us forever. A broken bone is nothing compared to a broken heart. One is a scratch. The other leaves a scar on your soul.”

Griff asks about my day—everyday—because my life is his life. Without a diamond ring. Without a legally-binding agreement. Without ever saying the words … Griffin. Is. My. Person.

I’m asking you to lie to me if the truth hurts. I’m asking you to love me even when you don’t understand me. It’s selfish and immature. I’m selfish and immature. But I’m also alone and scared and going through something that has derailed my life. So maybe you think I’m crazy now, but if I don’t figure this out I will most certainly go crazy beyond anything I am right now.”

“It will mean everything,” I say calmly, but with an equal edge to my own voice. “Because what we have is so much more than a missed birthday, a bad week, a good week, a string of misspoken words, a few bad decisions, or the whole goddamn world coming to an end.” With my other hand, I shove his chest, but my brick of a man doesn’t budge. And he doesn’t look pleased that I just tried to shove him. “So you don’t have to forgive me right now. And you don’t have to be gentle with me. But don’t you ever try to tell me that you inside of me won’t mean something.”

It’s crazy to think of the big things that couples weather together and the little things that can undermine everything over time. These little things multiply like cancer and ruin even the strongest relationships.

Maybe everything there is to say can be said in the silence of this room. In the dark of night. Between the space of two sheets.

You weren’t supposed to come into my life until I had it together. You’re the guy who is supposed to appear after a string of bad decisions. But here you are, watching me stumble around the craziest self-discovery. If I don’t lose you, it will be a miracle.”

Jenna wanted five kids. Career-oriented people like us did not have five kids. One was a luxury. I didn’t run or pass out. Pushing my chair away from the table, I got down on one knee. There was no speech. There was no ring. All I had was half a receipt in my hand that I unfolded to reveal my number—five. Life didn’t care about our desires or dreams. We realized it after seven years of trying to conceive a child. That one child of ours isn’t a luxury. She’s a gift and a symbol.

Fuck

I can’t risk losing Griffin, searching for something that may never be found, but I also can’t let this go. Part of me belongs to this unknown.

My feet root to the floor as the sight of Nate rocking Morgan to sleep replaces my thirst. One hand cradles her to his body while the other hand holds Goodnight Moon. I’m in love.

don’t know what drives fate. And I certainly don’t know what I am to learn from this. But I am in love with the story of Nathaniel Hunt. It’s so tragic, until moments like this that could not be more beautiful.

It’s a song that loops in my head. It’s a movie I want to watch until I have every scene—every line—memorized. It’s my favorite book where all the words have been read and reread in search of something new, something more. However, this isn’t a fangirl moment over a book, a song, a movie … the love I have for whatever this is goes so much deeper.

“What are you doing?” I close my eyes and bite my lips together. Whatever this is … it’s wrecking me from the inside out. I want to pull away, but I can’t because Nate’s touch comforts me in a way that it shouldn’t.

“We don’t love with our brains, we love with our hearts. We love on instinct. Love is undefinable and resides in all of us. There are no requirements to love someone.

Daisy was my first love. Jenna was my last love. Morgan is my forever love.”

“I told her I met a girl. Couldn’t stop thinking about her. It was just a feeling. You were this feeling inside of me that shook me to the core. It wasn’t any one thing—your looks, your words, your voice, your demeanor—it was all of it … or none of it. I still don’t know. I just felt like I’d arrived somehow. And I still feel it every fucking day.”

With each passing hour, I become more attached to this little girl. I feel like her mom. It’s not right. I’m not her mom. I never will be her mom. But I’m the mother figure raising her at the moment.

I’m not in love with Nate, in spite of my dreams, but I’m in love with Morgan. She doesn’t make me want to have a baby, she makes me want her.

“But this is it … this is the epic proposal that you’ll tell our kids and grandkids. You pinned against my truck, in tears and pissed off at me. And me refusing to let you go. I will never let you go.”

I’ve seen that wink before. His nose twitched when he did it. He’s not that good at it. But the last time I saw him wink, the scar on his face was not pink and pearly-edged. It wasn’t a scar at all. It was a bleeding wound. Blood running down his neck. Blood pooling at the corner of his mouth, and when he grinned there was blood covering his teeth. But he winked and his nose did that weird, unmistakable twitch.

“Here.” I hold up my phone toward the door to Doug’s apartment. “You. Killed. Her!”